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The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs. ...
by Bill Maher

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
- Bill Maher

Related topics: Religion

Suicide is man's way of telling God,
"You can't fire me -
I quit."
- Bill Maher

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
- Bill Maher

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
- Bill Maher

 

We need more people speaking out.
This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers.
It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
- Bill Maher

Curious people are intersting people,
I wonder why that is.
- Bill Maher

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world
that you are not an imperialist,
the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.
- Bill Maher

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Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
- Bill Maher

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country.
How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
- Bill Maher

Things aren't right.
If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him,
he can sue you.
For what, restraint of trade?
- Bill Maher

Men are only as loyal as their options.
- Bill Maher

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion.
I do believe that.
I think religion stops people from thinking.
I think it justified crazies.
- Bill Maher

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical
marijuana or assisted suicide,
suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.
- Bill Maher

Kids.
They're not easy.
But there has to be some penalty for sex.
- Bill Maher

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now
in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
- Bill Maher

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
- Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they
start getting better taste in them.
- Bill Maher

The jury could get the case as early as next week,
but the defense says they just want to introduce one
last-minute load of crap.
- Bill Maher

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his
personality is a little George Bush.
- Bill Maher

Hi, I'm Bill.
I'm a birth survivor.
- Bill Maher

We have the Bill of Rights.
What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
- Bill Maher

It's all been satirized for your protection.
- Bill Maher

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now,
and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June,
he will stop blowing hot air.
- Bill Maher

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers,
Republican congressmen do to the country.
- Bill Maher

The country has become much more conservative,
partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
- Bill Maher

The tea baggers.
The one thing they hate is when you call them racist.
The other thing they hate is black people.
But they won't say it.
- Bill Maher

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays,
but straight people get more cake - you know,
to send the right message to kids.
- Bill Maher

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end,
and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
- Bill Maher

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem.
Why do we always have to worship him?
- Bill Maher

I think capital punishment works great.
Every killer you kill never kills again.
- Bill Maher

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
I think religion is a neurological disorder.
- Bill Maher

If you think you have it tough, read history books.
- Bill Maher

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book.
Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile
fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is
and every problem can be solved with violence.
- Bill Maher

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not,
because he is actually quite liberal.
Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi,
he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
- Bill Maher

The Clinton White House today said they would start
to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush.
I don't know how well this is working out.
Today after the first one Bush said,
'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
- Bill Maher

A lot of good has come from drugs.
I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids.
Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids.
Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album,
so it evens out.
- Bill Maher

Iraq now says that it will, after all,
destroy its missiles.
President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick.
There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of
pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
- Bill Maher

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away.
That's cowardly.
Staying in the airplane when it hits the building,
say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
- Bill Maher

This has been a learning experience for me.
I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution.
I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy
does not appear in the Constitution.
- Bill Maher

I don't want my president to be a TV star.
You don't have to be on television every minute of every day -
you're the president,
not a rerun of 'Law & Order'.
TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too
concerned about being renewed.
- Bill Maher

To me a real patriot is like a real friend.
Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth.
That's who my real friends are.
So, you know, I think as far as our country goes,
we need more people who will do that.
- Bill Maher

If anyone has material possessions and sees his brother in need
but has no pity on him, how can the love of God be in him?
- 1 John 3:17

A new command I give you: Love one another.
As I have loved you, so you must love one another.
- Jesus of Nazareth (John 13:34)

You have heard that it was said,
"Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."
But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.
- Matthew 5:43-44

Ask and it will be given to you;
seek and you will find;
knock and the door will be opened to you.
- Matthew 7:7

Love one another.
- Jesus of Nazareth

To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1

Forgive Your Brother from Your Heart.
- Matthew 18:21-22

A new friend is like new wine;
when it has aged you will drink it with pleasure.
- Ecclesiastes 9:10

Love is patient, love is kind.
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud. It does not dishonor others,
It is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil
but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails.
- Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he.
- Proverbs 23:7

What does it profit, my brethren,
if someone says he has faith but does not have works?
Can faith save him?
- James 2:14

A man's pride shall bring him low,
but honor shall uphold the humble in spirit.
- Proverbs 29:23

This too, shall pass.
- Bible

Do to others as you would have them do to you.
- Luke 6:31 (the "Golden Rule")

Unless we form the habit of going to the Bible
in bright moments as well as in trouble,
we cannot fully respond to its consolations
because we lack equilibrium between light and darkness.
- Helen Keller

In the beginning was the Word.
- John 1:1

Love your enemies, bless them that curse you,
do good to them that hate you, and pray for them
which despitefully use you and persecute you.
- Matthew 5:44

Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust.
- Psalm 16:1

(Jesus on Love)
You have heard that it was said,
"Love your neighbor and hate your enemy."
But I tell you: Love your enemies
and pray for those who persecute you.
- Matthew 5:43-44

Guide our feet into the way of peace.
- Luke 1:79

As you sow, so shall you reap.
- Galatians 6:7

Now abide faith, hope, love, these three;
but the greatest of these is love.
- Corinthians 13:13

I, the LORD your God, am a jealous God,
visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children
to the third and fourth generations.
- Exodus 20:5

The LORD is my rock, and my fortress, and my deliverer;
my God, my strength, in whom I will trust.
- Psalm 18:2

Moreover if your brother shall trespass against you,
go and tell him his fault between you and him alone.
- Matthew 18:15

Don't hide your light under a bushel.
- The Bible

Ask and you shall receive, that your joy may be full.
- John 16:24

This is what the Lord asks of you: only this,
to act justly, to love tenderly,
and to walk humbly with your God.
- Micah 6:8

As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he.
- The Bible

(Jesus on Anger and Revenge)
You have heard that it was said,
"Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth."
But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person.
If someone strikes you on the right cheek,
turn to him the other also.
- Matthew 5:38-39


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