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When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother. ...
by Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Related topics: Medical

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
- Rodney Dangerfield

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
- Rodney Dangerfield

It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
- Rodney Dangerfield

 

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I found there was only one way to look thin:
hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much.
The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood.
I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
- Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect.
I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'
The waiter joined me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy -
for birth control.
- Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear
the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night.
I controlled myself.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said...
'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over.
Nobody was home.
- Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart,
we take separate vacations - we're doing everything
we can to keep our marriage together.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...
I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.'
He said 'God beat me to it.'
- Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a
piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids.
Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,
but I always found them.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap.
He was in the electric chair.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.
he told me to wear a brown tie.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth.
I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist,
two plumbers, and a bartender.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.
He said okay, you're ugly too.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice -
I don't know if I'm coming or going.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out
that Big Ben was a clock.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid.
One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah,
my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too.
We call him Egypt.
Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions.
It is not putting up a mask.
Each time an actor acts he does not hide;
he exposes himself.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life.
In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.
The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark...
then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee.
Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me.
The other day she told me to put the garbage out.
I said to her I already did.
She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
- Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
- Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right.
My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night.
Now, we'll never see each other!
- Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
- Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the
bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
- Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope.
He wants to reform the world.
When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world,
but he know he can't.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Even from the darkest night songs of beauty can be born.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Friendship is born at that moment
when one person says to another,
"What! You too? I thought I was the only one."
- C. S. Lewis

The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Think about these once in a while
and watch your answers change.
- Richard Bach

Great achievement is usually born of great sacrifice,
and is never the result of selfishness.
- Napoleon Hill

When you were born, you cried and the world rejoiced.
Live your life so that when you die,
the world cries and you rejoice.
- Indian Proverb

I have always been regretting that
I was not as wise as the day I was born.
- Henry David Thoreau

Leaders aren't born they are made.
And they are made just like anything else, through hard work.
And that's the price we'll have to pay
to achieve that goal, or any goal.
- Vince Lombardi

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson

To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1

Men are born to succeed, not to fail.
- Henry David Thoreau

Everyone is born a genius,
but the process of living de-geniuses them.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Children are born innocent.
Before they are domesticated they live in the moment,
love without fear, and don't even think about the opinions of others.
- don Miguel Ruiz

A single event can awaken a stranger totally unknown to us.
To live is to be slowly born.
- Antoine de Saint-Exupery

The only good luck many great men ever had was
being born with the ability and determination to overcome bad luck.
- Channing Pollock

Every man and woman is born into the world
to do something unique and something distinctive;
and if he or she does not do it,
it will never be done.
- Benjamin E. Mays

We're born alone, we live alone, we die alone.
Only through our love and friendship can we
create the illusion for the moment that we're not alone.
- Orson Welles

We are born princes, and the civilizing process makes us frogs.
- Publilius Syrus


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