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Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her. ...
by Ambrose Bierce

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Ambrose Bierce

Related topics: Marriage

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
- Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
- Ambrose Bierce

History is an account, mostly false,
of events,
mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers,
mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce

 

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and
disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

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Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils
his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
- Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making in all,
two.
- Ambrose Bierce

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise
in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit
without individual responsibility.
- Ambrose Bierce

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -
who has no gills.
- Ambrose Bierce

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates
some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather,
and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj.
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- Ambrose Bierce

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor
upon the business known as gambling.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power
to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Ambrose Bierce

Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
- Ambrose Bierce

I never said all Democrats were saloonkeepers.
What I said was that all saloonkeepers are Democrats.
- Ambrose Bierce

Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest,
as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce

Genius - to know without having learned;
to draw just conclusions from unknown premises;
to discern the soul of things.
- Ambrose Bierce

The small part of ignorance that we arrange and classify
we give the name of knowledge.
- Ambrose Bierce

Litigation: A machine which you go into as a pig and
come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Heaven lies about us in our infancy and the world begins
lying about us pretty soon afterward.
- Ambrose Bierce

Litigant.
A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
- Ambrose Bierce

To be positive is to be mistaken at the top of one's voice.
- Ambrose Bierce

Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.
- Ambrose Bierce

Logic: The art of thinking and reasoning in strict
accordance with the limitations and incapacities of
the human misunderstanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French
in place of a state religion.
- Ambrose Bierce

Friendless.
Having no favors to bestow.
Destitute of fortune.
Addicted to utterance of truth and common sense.
- Ambrose Bierce

Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

Jealous, adj.
Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which
can be lost only if not worth keeping.
- Ambrose Bierce

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates
what kind of weather we are having.
- Ambrose Bierce

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
- Ambrose Bierce

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
- Ambrose Bierce

Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
- Ambrose Bierce

Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.
- Ambrose Bierce

Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small
doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
- Ambrose Bierce

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves,
and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's
resemblance to ourselves.
- Ambrose Bierce

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest,
as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce

Creditor.
One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial
Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
- Ambrose Bierce

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful,
including what is ugly.
- Ambrose Bierce

Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
- Ambrose Bierce

Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
- Ambrose Bierce

An egotist is a person of low taste -
more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled
on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce

Men become civilized, not in proportion to their willingness to believe,
but in proportion to their readiness to doubt.
- Ambrose Bierce

What this country needs what every country needs occasionally
is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism
on which its existence as a nation depends.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bacchus, n.: A convenient deity invented by the ancients
as an excuse for getting drunk.
- Ambrose Bierce

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
- Ambrose Bierce

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial;
but if honest,
and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead
to full establishment of the truth.
- Ambrose Bierce

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which
the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction
that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
- Ambrose Bierce

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- Ambrose Bierce

Erudition - dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
- Ambrose Bierce

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
- Ambrose Bierce

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one
who speaks without knowledge,
of things without parallel.
- Ambrose Bierce

Egotism, n: Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle with a pen.
- Ambrose Bierce

Immortality: A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for, Dispute,
contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right
proud Eternally to die for.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a
right-hand pocket or a left.
- Ambrose Bierce

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
- Ambrose Bierce

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady;
in English a deadly poison.
A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
- Ambrose Bierce


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