Search my Quotes DataBase - Enter one or two keywords and/or author last name.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain




Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Daily Inspiration - Quotes to Live By
Inspiration  |  Motivational Articles  |  Being Strong  |  Being Positive  |  Links  |  About
Topics:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no ...
by Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips

Related topics: Computers

I was sleeping the other night, alone,
thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way
so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down.
They don't know I'm firing blanks.
- Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky,
but there's never any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips

Please sign-up for my Free Inspirational Daily Email on the form below.

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.


In our school you were searched for guns and knifes
on the way in and if you didn't have any,
they gave you some.
- Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when
you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
- Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers...
no, I take that back.
- Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
- Emo Philips

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved,
but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
- Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985,
in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
- Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass
away free and charge five dollars for the second glass.
The refill contained the antidote.
- Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw
through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
- Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool,
trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips

I got some new underwear the other day.
Well, new to me.
- Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said,
'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says,
'Hello!'
- Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
- Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the
little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.
They don't know I'm only using blanks.
- Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into
an alleyway and lost him.
- Emo Philips

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well,
I don't have an alibi.
- Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get
them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and
beat you with a warm squash or something.
- Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days,
when children worked in factories?
- Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
- Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man,
and I was crushed.
So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
- Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy
of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads,
where they are safe.
- Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started
until I've had that first,
piping hot pot of coffee.
Oh, I've tried other enemas.
- Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer.
My nipple was getting quite soggy.
- Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
- Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello.
So, hooray for speech therapy.
- Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a
combination of evil and incompetence...
sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
- Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when
they have to kill a family member because they are the devil.
But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
- Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said,
"You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said,
"Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains
of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is.
I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way
she was responding to my skillful caresses,
you would have sworn that she was conscious from the
top of her head to the tag on her toes.
- Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet,
and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it,
but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars,
how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
- Emo Philips

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club.
You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
- Erma Bombeck

Reading computer manuals without the hardware is as
frustrating as reading manuals without the software.
- Arthur C. Clarke

The basis of computer work is predicated on the idea
that only the brain makes decisions and only the index finger does the work.
- Brian Eno

To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.
- Paul R. Ehrlich

There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.
- Ken Olsen

If your computer speaks English, it was probably made in Japan.
- Alan Perlis

There's a lot of music that sounds like it's literally computer-generated,
totally divorced from a guy sitting down at an instrument.
- Aimee Mann

I started on an Apple II, which I had bought at the
very end of 1978 for half of my annual income.
I made $4,500 a year, and I spent half of it on the computer.
- Bill Budge

If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has,
we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1000 MPG.
- Bill Gates

I wouldn't know how to find eBay on the computer if my life depended on it.
- Marc Jacobs

Making duplicate copies and computer printouts of things
no one wanted even one of in the first place is giving
America a new sense of purpose.
- Andy Rooney

The question of whether a computer can think is no
more interesting than the question of whether a submarine can swim.
- Edsger Dijkstra

I'm too old-fashioned to use a computer.
I'm too old-fashioned to use a quill.
- Christopher Plummer

Bill Gates is the pope of the personal computer industry.
He decides who's going to build.
- Larry Ellison

No one ever said on their deathbed, 'Gee,
I wish I had spent more time alone with my computer'.
- Danielle Berry

I'm a '70s mom, and my daughter is a '90s mom.
I know a lot of women my age who are real computer freaks.
- Florence Henderson

Never trust a computer you can't throw out a window.
- Steve Wozniak

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly
for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
- Dave Barry

One of the most feared expressions in modern times
is 'The computer is down.'
- Norman Ralph Augustine

To err is human - and to blame it on a computer is even more so.
- Robert Orben

To err is human but to really foul up requires a computer.
- Dan Rather

Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that,
once it is competently programmed and working smoothly,
it is completely honest.
- Isaac Asimov

It was a black and white only computer at the time,
but it kept me fascinated.
- Buffy Sainte-Marie

Computers may save time but they sure waste a lot of paper.
About 98 percent of everything printed out by a computer
is garbage that no one ever reads.
- Andy Rooney

I should prefer to have a politician who regularly
went to a massage parlour than one who promised a laptop
computer for every teacher.
- A. N. Wilson

Personally, I rather look forward to a computer program
winning the world chess championship.
Humanity needs a lesson in humility.
- Richard Dawkins

Computer science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.
- Edsger Dijkstra

A wonderful thing about a book, in contrast to a computer screen,
is that you can take it to bed with you.
- Daniel J. Boorstin

The computer is a moron.
- Peter Drucker

The power of the computer is starting to spread.
- Bill Budge

The protean nature of the computer is such that it
can act like a machine or like a language to be shaped and exploited.
- Alan Kay

Anyone who has lost track of time when using a computer
knows the propensity to dream,
the urge to make dreams come true and the tendency to miss lunch.
- Tim Berners-Lee


Quotes and Sayings

---------


Thank you for visiting: A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no ... by Emo Philips.

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Quotes and Sayings.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


Sign-up to receive Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes
free via email

Daily inspirational quotes and motivational messages of self-worth, choice,
positive attitude, happiness, forgiveness, and gratitude.
Inspiring motivational sayings plus Jonathan's insights into life,
relationships, and joyful living.

Enter Your E-Mail Address:
Enter Your Name (what you want to be called):
To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.
Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.

Or Subscribe to the Feedburner feed for Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes.



All materials & writings are copyright ©. You may read about our disclaimer, our privacy policy, our copyright policy, terms of use, participation in affiliate programs, and the list of all our websites.