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Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
by Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Related topics: Politics

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- Ambrose Bierce

 

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
- Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce

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Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit
without individual responsibility.
- Ambrose Bierce

History is an account, mostly false,
of events,
mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers,
mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils
his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
- Ambrose Bierce

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
- Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather,
and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power
to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates
some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and
disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Ambrose Bierce

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
- Ambrose Bierce

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
- Ambrose Bierce

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise
in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -
who has no gills.
- Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making in all,
two.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj.
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- Ambrose Bierce

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor
upon the business known as gambling.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the
fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
- Ambrose Bierce

Women in love are less ashamed than men.
They have less to be ashamed of.
- Ambrose Bierce

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
- Ambrose Bierce

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
- Ambrose Bierce

Spring beckons!
All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
- Ambrose Bierce

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's
resemblance to ourselves.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French
in place of a state religion.
- Ambrose Bierce

Perseverance - a lowly virtue whereby mediocrity achieves an inglorious success.
- Ambrose Bierce

Alien - an American sovereign in his probationary state.
- Ambrose Bierce

Patriotism.
Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
- Ambrose Bierce

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady;
in English a deadly poison.
A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
- Ambrose Bierce

Consul - in American politics, a person who having
failed to secure an office from the people is given
one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed
to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
- Ambrose Bierce

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful,
including what is ugly.
- Ambrose Bierce

Irreligion - the principal one of the great faiths of the world.
- Ambrose Bierce

The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce

The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
- Ambrose Bierce

Genealogy, n. An account of one's descent from a man
who did not particularly care to trace his own.
- Ambrose Bierce

Divorce: a resumption of diplomatic relations and rectification of boundaries.
- Ambrose Bierce

Revolution, n. In politics, an abrupt change in the form of misgovernment.
- Ambrose Bierce

Saint: A dead sinner revised and edited.
- Ambrose Bierce

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which
the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction
that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
- Ambrose Bierce

Famous, adj.: Conspicuously miserable.
- Ambrose Bierce

Who never doubted, never half believed.
Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.
- Ambrose Bierce

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors
in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bigot: One who is obstinately and zealously attached
to an opinion that you do not entertain.
- Ambrose Bierce

Laziness.
Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
- Ambrose Bierce

Impiety.
Your irreverence toward my deity.
- Ambrose Bierce

Litigant.
A person about to give up his skin for the hope of retaining his bones.
- Ambrose Bierce

Creditor.
One of a tribe of savages dwelling beyond the Financial
Straits and dreaded for their desolating incursions.
- Ambrose Bierce

A man is known by the company he organizes.
- Ambrose Bierce

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest,
as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce

Erudition - dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
- Ambrose Bierce

There are four kinds of Homicide: felonious,
excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.
- Ambrose Bierce

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that
white is the color that it appears to be.
It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
- Ambrose Bierce

Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
- Ambrose Bierce

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of
putting dead animals into the mouth.
- Ambrose Bierce

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation
of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce

Future.
That period of time in which our affairs prosper,
our friends are true and our happiness is assured.
- Ambrose Bierce

Patience, n. A minor form of dispair, disguised as a virtue.
- Ambrose Bierce

Rum, n. Generically, fiery liquors that produce madness in total abstainers.
- Ambrose Bierce

Incompatibility.
In matrimony a similarity of tastes,
particularly the taste for domination.
- Ambrose Bierce

Death is not the end.
There remains the litigation over the estate.
- Ambrose Bierce

Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.
- Ambrose Bierce


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