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I failed to make the chess team because of my height. ...
by Woody Allen

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen

Related topics: Funny

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall PHOTO

 

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen

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If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
- Woody Allen

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,'
probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I will not eat oysters.
I want my food dead.
Not sick.
Not wounded.
Dead.
- Woody Allen

I am two with nature.
- Woody Allen

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat

Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature.
I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

If my films make one more person miserable,
I'll feel I have done my job.
- Woody Allen

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

Why are our days numbered and not, say,
lettered?
- Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us.
Unfortunately, it's the government.
- Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes.
I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

My luck is getting worse and worse.
Last night, for instance, I was mugged by a quaker.
- Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanance.
- Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I
really want to do is French-kiss her.
- Woody Allen

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that
can be done as easily lying down .
- Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering -
and it's all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
- Woody Allen

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
- Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience,
but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
- Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
- Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for
by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
- Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun.
The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.
- Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
- Woody Allen

If you're not failing every now and again,
it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
- Woody Allen

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death.
Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely.
Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes,
comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
- Woody Allen

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
- Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him,
'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
- Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen

In California, they don't throw their garbage away -
they make it into TV shows.
- Woody Allen

I was nauseous and tingly all over.
I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.
The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed
to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception.
I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.'
- Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen

In Beverly Hills...
they don't throw their garbage away.
They make it into television shows.
- Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- Woody Allen

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen


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