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My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning
by Jeff Foxworthy

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning
and watches the Discovery Channel.
I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Related topics: Dad

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first,
friends and family second and you third,
we won't ever have an argument.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they
all say Kool Whip on the side,
you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road.
We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of
experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
- Jeff Foxworthy

 

You might be a redneck if...
the blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I know God is real.
- Jeff Foxworthy

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought
Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
- Jeff Foxworthy

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There's no down time any more.
- Jeff Foxworthy

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it,
drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without,
you just might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother -
you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure
you're not going to like it.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Find something in life that you love doing.
If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus,
and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
- Jeff Foxworthy

You may be a redneck if...
you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it,
it takes another two or three hours a day.
I don't want to give two or three more hours away.
- Jeff Foxworthy

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Little girls love dolls.
They just don't love doll clothes.
We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them
got a stitch of clothes on.
- Jeff Foxworthy

You may be a redneck if...
your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- Jeff Foxworthy

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile,
I think something snaps in your brain.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip,
and they don't want to be hip.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If your neighbors think you're a detective because
a cop always brings you home,
you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes.
He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies
unraveling and relationships unraveling.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to
get someone else to verify it?
- Jeff Foxworthy

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at
it they would have to check me for ticks at the end
of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
- Jeff Foxworthy

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say,
Not interested.
I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I have never been jealous.
Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I really don't require a whole lot in life.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you've ever made change in the offering plate,
you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country,
and 90 percent of the people are good folks.
The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
- Jeff Foxworthy

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly
you're not 'professional' any more.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent,
they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
- Jeff Foxworthy

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
- Jeff Foxworthy

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I had to perform at the White House for the president,
That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
- Jeff Foxworthy

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St.
Bernard coming in through the cat door.
- Jeff Foxworthy

That's the great thing about a tractor.
You can't really hear the phone ring.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television,
you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest,
craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world,
all you have to do is go to a state fair.
Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going,
'you know, we're alright.
We are dang near royalty.'
- Jeff Foxworthy

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine
weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14.
I've got four more summers with her.
I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
- Jeff Foxworthy

My wife is so analytical with raising kids,
and I am not.
My feeling is if they turn out good,
then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it.
If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
- Jeff Foxworthy

So your father, or your mother,
never thought you were good enough - SO WHAT?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man,
but if you're up there and you can hear me ...
show me the way... show me the way.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)

When a father gives to his son, both laugh;
when a son gives to his father, both cry.
- William Shakespeare

My father always used to say that when you die,
if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.
- Lee Iacocca

The most important thing a father
can do for his children
is to love their mother.
- Henry Ward Beecher

It doesn't matter who my father was.
It matters who I remember he was.
- Anne Sexton

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards
than being a father to my children.
- Bill Cosby

It is a wise father that knows his own child.
- William Shakespeare

My father considered a walk among the mountains
as the equivalent of churchgoing.
- Aldous Huxley

A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

Nobody ever asks a father how he manages to combine marriage and a career.
- Sam Ewing

Oh, Shrek. Don't worry.
Things just seem bad because it's dark and rainy
and Fiona's father hired a sleazy hitman to whack you.
- the movie Shrek 2

I have a lot of very close girlfriends and sisters -
I'm from an all female family.
My father often quips that even the cat was neutered!
- Shirley Manson

The only important thing I have to say is that my father
never fought against his country.
- Zinedine Zidane

No man is responsible for his father.
That was entirely his mother's affair.
- Margaret Turnbull

My father wants me to be like my brother,
but I can't be.
- Robert Mapplethorpe

I get whatever placidity I have from my father.
But my mother taught me how to take it on the chin.
- Norma Shearer

I would want my legacy to be that I was a great son,
father and friend.
- Dante Hall

My father used to sing to me in my mother's womb.
I think I can name about any tune in two beats.
- Yancy Butler

I'm more comfortable with whatever's wrong with me
than my father was whenever he felt he failed or didn't
measure up to the standard he set.
- John Malkovich

You don't have to deserve your mother's love.
You have to deserve your father's.
- Robert Frost

A true king is neither husband nor father;
he considers his throne and nothing else.
- Pierre Corneille

I decided in my life that I would do nothing that did
not reflect positively on my father's life.
- Sidney Poitier

It is impossible to please all the world and one's father.
- Jean de La Fontaine


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