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My father never raised his hand to any one of his children,
by Fred Allen

My father never raised his hand to any one of his children,
except in self-defense.
- Fred Allen

Related topics: Dad

I don't have to look up my family tree,
because I know that I'm the sap.
- Fred Allen

Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
- Fred Allen

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
- Fred Allen

 

An advertising agency is 85 percent confusion and 15 percent commission.
- Fred Allen

All I know about humor is that I don't know anything about it.
- Fred Allen

California is a fine place to live -
if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

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I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
- Fred Allen

A conference is a gathering of people who singly can do nothing,
but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen

The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit
of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
- Fred Allen

Her hat is a creation that will never go out of style;
it will just look ridiculous year after year.
- Fred Allen

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement.
- Fred Allen

Television is the triumph of machine over people.
- Fred Allen

An income tax form is like a laundry list -
either way you lose your shirt.
- Fred Allen

An actor's popularity is fleeting.
His success has the life expectancy of a small boy
who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.
- Fred Allen

Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns;
he should be drawn and quoted.
- Fred Allen

California is a great place to live if you're an orange.
- Fred Allen

I play a musical instrument a little,
but only for my own amazement.
- Fred Allen

I'd rather have a full bottle in front of me than a full frontal lobotomy.
- Fred Allen

A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
- Fred Allen

I always have trouble remembering three things:
faces,
names, and - I can't remember what the third thing is.
- Fred Allen

A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their
life to become well known,
and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Fred Allen

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
- Fred Allen

Committee - a group of men who individually can do
nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen

Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with
carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
- Fred Allen

Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure
that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men
whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
- Fred Allen

The advertising world had space men in it before spacemen existed.
- Fred Allen

Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
- Fred Allen

A committee is a group of the unprepared,
appointed by the unwilling to do the unnecessary.
- Fred Allen

A committee is a group of people who individually can do nothing,
but who, as a group, can meet and decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen

You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood,
place it in the navel of a fruit fly and still have
room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
- Fred Allen

Treat employees like partners, and they act like partners.
- Fred Allen

My uncle is a Southern planter.
He's an undertaker in Alabama.
- Fred Allen

Ed Sullivan will be around as long as someone else has talent.
- Fred Allen

The last time I saw him he was walking down lover's
lane holding his own hand.
- Fred Allen

Television is a device that permits people who haven't
anything to do to watch people who can't do anything.
- Fred Allen

The first thing that strikes a visitor to Paris is a taxi.
- Fred Allen

I can't understand why a person will take a year to
write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
- Fred Allen

Washington is no place for a good actor.
The competition from bad actors is too great.
- Fred Allen

I have just returned from Boston.
It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
- Fred Allen

A telescope will magnify a star a thousand times,
but a good press agent can do even better.
- Fred Allen

Some movie stars wear their sunglasses even in church.
They're afraid God might recognize them and ask for autographs.
- Fred Allen

If I could get my membership fee back,
I'd resign from the human race.
- Fred Allen

The first time I sang in the church choir;
two hundred people changed their religion.
- Fred Allen

During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk;
today we have small men enjoying big talk.
- Fred Allen

I learned law so well, the day I graduated I sued the college,
won the case, and got my tuition back.
- Fred Allen

An associate producer is the only guy in Hollywood
who will associate with a producer.
- Fred Allen

Most of us spend the first six days of each week sowing wild oats;
then we go to church on Sunday and pray for a crop failure.
- Fred Allen

It is probably not love that makes the world go around,
but rather those mutually supportive alliances through
which partners recognize their dependence on each other
for the achievement of shared and private goals.
- Fred Allen

We are living in the machine age.
For the first time in history the comedian has been
compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material
to compete with the machine.
Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
- Fred Allen

So your father, or your mother,
never thought you were good enough - SO WHAT?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Dear Father in heaven, I'm not a praying man,
but if you're up there and you can hear me ...
show me the way... show me the way.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)

It is a wise father that knows his own child.
- William Shakespeare

It doesn't matter who my father was.
It matters who I remember he was.
- Anne Sexton

My father always used to say that when you die,
if you've got five real friends, then you've had a great life.
- Lee Iacocca

The most important thing a father
can do for his children
is to love their mother.
- Henry Ward Beecher

Nothing I've ever done has given me more joys and rewards
than being a father to my children.
- Bill Cosby

When a father gives to his son, both laugh;
when a son gives to his father, both cry.
- William Shakespeare

My father and he had one of those English friendships
which begins by avoiding the intimacies
and eventually eliminates speech altogether.
- Jorge Luis Borges

A man cannot speak to his son, but as a father;
to his wife, but as a husband;
to his enemy, but upon terms:
whereas a friend may speak, as the case requires,
and not as it sorteth with the person.
- Francis Bacon

My father considered a walk among the mountains
as the equivalent of churchgoing.
- Aldous Huxley

As a little girl I used to daydream about my real father
coming on a white horse to rescue me.
- Christine Keeler

There are things that you cannot talk to your mother and father about,
there are things that you cannot talk to your children about.
- Shirley Knight

Father told me that if I ever met a lady in a dress like yours,
I must look her straight in the eyes.
- Prince Charles

My father was always telling himself no one was perfect,
not even my mother.
- Broderick Crawford

I'm a father; that's what matters most.
Nothing matters more.
- Gordon Brown

How pleasant it is for a father to sit at his child's board.
It is like an aged man reclining under the shadow of
an oak which he has planted.
- Voltaire

I have always thought of Walt Disney as my second father.
- Annette Funicello

The time not to become a father is eighteen years before a war.
- E. B. White

So my father was a person who never lied to me.
If I had a question, he answered it.
I knew a lot of things at a young age because I was intrigued.
- Nick Cannon

She got her looks from her father.
He's a plastic surgeon.
- Groucho Marx


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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