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I figure that if the children are alive when I get home,
by Roseanne Barr

I figure that if the children are alive when I get home,
I've done my job.
- Roseanne Barr

Related topics: Parenting

Experts say you should never hit your children in anger.
When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
- Roseanne Barr

I was completely nuts for most of my life.
- Roseanne Barr

My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement.
We signed a mutual suicide pact.
- Roseanne Barr


There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother,
but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother
than most people suspect.
- Roseanne Barr

Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it,
because I believe the bigger we are,
the more space we'll take up,
and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
- Roseanne Barr

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive
when my husband gets home from work,
then hey, I've done my job.
- Roseanne Barr

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The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power.
You just take it.
- Roseanne Barr

It's okay to be fat.
So you're fat.
Just be fat and shut up about it.
- Roseanne Barr

Excuse the mess but we live here.
- Roseanne Barr

I consider myself to be a pretty good judge of people...
that's why I don't like any of them.
- Roseanne Barr

The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
- Roseanne Barr

Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the
only time of the month when I can be myself.
- Roseanne Barr

My hope is that gays will be running the world,
because then there would be no war.
Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
- Roseanne Barr

I figure if my kids are alive at the end of the day,
I've done my job.
- Roseanne Barr

I hate every human being on earth.
I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me.
That's what I told my kids.
I think I must have been Adolf Hitler in a past life.
- Roseanne Barr

A guy is a lump like a doughnut.
So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him.
And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that
they pick up from beer commercials.
And then there's my personal favorite,
the male ego.
- Roseanne Barr

If you run into a wall, don't turn around and give up.
Figure out how to climb it, go through it, or work around it.
- Michael Jordan

Breaking up is a natural evolution
when you try to figure out what you want in life.
If you're with an individual
who isn't moving in the same direction
and at the same rate that you are,
it ain't going to work.
- Usher Raymond

Sometimes I can't figure designers out.
It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
- Erma Bombeck

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,'
probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen

I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

I used to be hung up on my figure, but it's a waste of time.
I don't believe in diets.
Have four pints one night, be healthy the next.
- Sophie Ellis Bextor

The existence of an anthropomorphic
"Father-figure" deity is not impossible,
merely exceptionally improbable and illogical.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Follow up the interview with a phone call.
If Carrot Top can figure out how to use a phone,
so can you.
- Tom Cole

Even when I was saying I was Agnostic and trying to figure out my thoughts,
I felt God was allowing me to do that.
- Alfre Woodard

Rounder Records decided to call the album Move It On Over,
much to my chagrin but they knew what they were doing.
It took off and to this day I can't figure out why.
- George Thorogood

I think the greatest challenge in environmentalism
and the most rewarding challenge is trying to figure
out how humans can meet their needs while protecting the environment.
- Gale Norton

The practice mirror is to be used for the correction of faults,
not for a love affair, and the figure you watch should
not become your dearest friend.
- Agnes de Mille

I figure anything over 13 weeks in this business is pretty good.
- Wink Martindale

A figure with curves always offers a lot of interesting angles.
- Wesley Ruggles

It is absolutely my conviction, that Walter Salles
will figure among the great directors of our time.
- Arthur Cohn

You learn at a certain point that you have to focus
on the business side of music.
After getting ripped off a couple of times,
you figure out that you need to get a grip on it.
- Neil Schon

Some gigs will go great.
I figure you do a gig, and as many as can get there will get there.
- Jules Shear

My biggest problem in middle school was catty girls,
cliques, and trying to figure out if I wanted to be a part of one of those,
just figuring out who I was and all that.
- Lindsey Shaw

I never saw a contradiction between the ideas that
sustain me and the ideas of that symbol,
of that extraordinary figure, Jesus Christ.
- Fidel Castro

If you really want something you can figure out how to make it happen.
- Cher

The original item looked like a little hand cart with
the figure of a man mounted on a platform between the wheels.
The man's outstretched arm always pointed south.
- Kit Williams

My life has no purpose, no direction,
no aim, no meaning, and yet I'm happy.
I can't figure it out.
What am I doing right?
- Charles M. Schulz

Every citizen has to figure out what kind of government he or she wants.
- Stephen Breyer

I always figure I have this tree and there's always
some green fruit that's not ready to pick or blossoms
that are ready to flower;
there are always some ready to drop off too.
- Graeme Murphy

By definition a sequel can't be original.
So you've got to figure out what worked the first time around.
- Barry Sonnenfeld

I must have been 3 years old or less,
and I remember paging through these comics,
trying to figure out the stories.
I couldn't read the words, so I made up my own stories.
- Daniel Clowes

Which, the first meeting with anybody is,
you know, everybody is on their best behavior.
It's only after you get to know them for a while that you figure out.
- Arthur Rock

There's always an element of fear that you need to
work a lot until people get sick and tired of you or
finally figure out that you're a fraud after all!
- Ben Stiller

You try to figure out things to keep yourself interested.
It's very easy to get lulled.
- Martin Short

You have to realize: OK, I don't know how
to solve a political problem,
I don't know how to solve the pollution problem...
all I know is in my own life,
I need to figure out some sense of purpose,
I need to figure out how to be happy...
and I'm willing.
- Jewel

We've got to figure out a way to cause communities to also want them,
the political, organized bodies.
- Lee Scott

I figure I basically am a ghost.
I think we all are.
- John Astin

It took me years to figure out that you don't fall into a tub of butter,
you jump for it.
- Claudette Colbert

You have to figure out who the right person is to tell the story.
And often, people who are very self-aware will only
sound as if they are pontificating if they tell the story.
- Ann Beattie

Even in times when it's difficult to figure out,
how do you go forward, art - and books -
always help.
- Alice Hoffman

I like to figure things out and solve problems.
- Temple Grandin

I want to give my compliments to Australia.
Ever since your government paid a few million dollars
for a Jackson Pollack painting,
I figure that it must be a marvellous country.
- Morton Feldman

I am just fascinated by this reassurance from a menacing figure.
It is rather frightening.
- Rory Bremner

Marketers are out there trying to figure out how to
get your money out of your child.
- Maggie Gallagher

It's true hard work never killed anybody,
but I figure, why take the chance?
- Ronald Reagan

In America, we have to learn to be patient enough to
figure out what somebody is saying.
Somebody might actually be saying something.
- Stanley Crouch

When I left prison, I had to figure out how to embrace my past.
- Fernando Flores

We can't win at home.
We can't win on the road.
As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play.
- Pat Williams

I love being on stage or in front of the camera.
My work brings me a lot of joy.
It helps me figure out who I am.
I'm really lucky that I get to make a living at acting.
- Dana Delany

Mayor Koch, of New York, was the first public figure to give me support.
- Ryan White

Half of figure skating is opinion, convincing judges.
- Scott Hamilton

I just cash in on the fact that I'm good looking,
and I've got a nice figure and girls like me.
- Sid Vicious

Try a thing you haven't done three times.
Once, to get over the fear of doing it.
Twice, to learn how to do it.
And a third time to figure out whether you like it or not.
- Virgil Thomson

I'm a hustler.
And my hustle is trying to figure out the best ways
to do what I like without having to do much else.
- Mos Def

You explain how it went, and as far as you can figure out how it got that way.
- Virgil Thomson

The man who has allowed his body to deteriorate cuts a pitiful figure -
chest collapsed,
stomach protruding.
- Gene Tunney

It took me a long time to figure out how to act,
and how to conduct myself in the business so I could
get what I felt I needed to support my potential and
give them what they wanted.
- Harrison Ford

People who say, 'Let the chips fall where they may,'
usually figure they will not be hit by a chip.
- Bern Williams

A great figure or physique is nice, but it's self-confidence
that makes someone really sexy.
- Vivica Fox

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