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My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
by Ellen DeGeneres

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Related topics: Funny

I think they should have a Barbie with a buzz cut.
- Ellen DeGeneres

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well,
no, I was an accountant.
- Ellen DeGeneres

In the beginning there was nothing.
God said, 'Let there be light!' And there was light.
There was still nothing, but you could see it a whole lot better.
- Ellen DeGeneres

 

Sometimes you can't see yourself clearly until you
see yourself through the eyes of others.
- Ellen DeGeneres

I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls.
They always say because it's such a beautiful animal.
There you go.
I think my mother is attractive, but I have photographs of her.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Just go up to somebody on the street and say "You're it!" and then run away.
- Ellen DeGeneres

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I was raised around heterosexuals, as all heterosexuals are,
that's where us gay people come from...
you heterosexuals.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Nothing says holidays, like a cheese log.
- Ellen DeGeneres

You have to stay in shape.
My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two.
Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman,
so they decided to make me thirty-two.
Much more appealing somehow.
- Ellen DeGeneres

I'm on the patch right now.
Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it,
and then I'm gonna rip it off.
- Ellen DeGeneres

But seriously, I think overall in the scheme of things
winning an Emmy is not important.
Let's get our priorities straight.
I think we all know what's really important in life -
winning an Oscar.
- Ellen DeGeneres

I was coming home from kindergarten -
well they told me it was kindergarten.
I found out later I had been working in a factory for ten years.
It's good for a kid to know how to make gloves.
- Ellen DeGeneres

If a tie is like kissing your sister,
losing is like kissing you grandmother with her teeth out.
- George Brett

I wish my mother had left me something about how she felt growing up.
I wish my grandmother had done the same.
I wanted my girls to know me.
- Carol Burnett

My grandmother, she say I shouldn't be playing.
I should go to church.
Fially, I say I'm going do this, I'm going do it.
And she got where she didn't bother me about it.
- Muddy Waters

My grandmother was a Jewish juggler:
she used to worry about six things at once.
- Richard Lewis

My grandmother told stories; she was very good at that.
- Cornelia Funke

In my fantasies, I always wanted to play the ingenue,
but in reality, in my bones, I am so used to playing
the grandmother that I don't feel safe or even sure that I can do it.
- Camryn Manheim

I think I'm a fan of people who were brave,
my aunt, my grandmother, those are my heroes.
- George Eads

Not so cold, some snow fell.
I went inside the log cabin and said goodbye to Mother,
she was so alike grandmother, just younger.
- Anders Zorn

I don't sit in the corner waiting for death:
death has to pursue me.
I'm going strong.
I hope to reach 100 and ask for an extension,
just like my grandmother did.
- Compay Segundo

My identity is linked to my grandmother,
who's pure Filipino, as pure as you can probably get.
And that shaped my imagination.
So that's how I identify.
- Jessica Hagedorn

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.
- Joe Bob Briggs

I don't feel like a grandmother.
I don't.
- Priscilla Presley

As a former teacher and a mother and grandmother,
I know firsthand the importance of a quality education.
- Sue Kelly

My grandmother played the piano, and I used to toddle
over there and pick out little things that sounded good to me.
- Billy Strayhorn

I used to listen to the soap operas with my grandmother.
- Bob Edwards

My grandmother was a very tough woman.
She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

I bought a house in the Hollywood Hills and brought
my grandmother from Harlem to live in it with me.
- Sammy Davis, Jr.

I'm a grandmother with dogs and nice friends here in the Rocky mountains.
Ever see the movie A River Runs Through It? That's where I live.
It's beautiful, no two ways about it.
- Margot Kidder

A mother becomes a true grandmother the day she stops
noticing the terrible things her children do because
she is so enchanted with the wonderful things her grandchildren do.
- Lois Wyse

I'd walk over my own grandmother to re-elect Richard Nixon.
- Charles Colson

The factory that my grandmother had put under the house
to produce these green men to come get me.
- Todd Bridges

My mother came here to New York.
She and my grandmother were domestics,
cooking, cleaning for other people.
- David Dinkins

What in heaven's name is strange about a grandmother
dancing nude? I'll bet lots of grandmothers do it.
- Sally Rand

My grandmother valued even the smallest of things.
- Koichi Tanaka

We've accumulated a lot of things over the years and
many things from our grandmother.
Hopefully it'll be all right.
I really don't want to cry, but I can't help it.
- Dorothy Fields

A conservative is someone who makes no changes and
consults his grandmother when in doubt.
- Woodrow Wilson

Though I was a mother at 21, being a grandmother makes
the whole thing absolutely normal and gorgeous.
The relief, the joy of being a grandmother is wonderful.
- Joanna Lumley

My grandmother made her home at Fox How under the shelter of the fells,
with her four daughters, the youngest of whom was only
eight when their father died.
- Mary A. Ward

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother -
you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure
you're not going to like it.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I never saw my grandfather because he had died before I was born,
but I have good memories of my grandmother and of how
she could play the piano at the old house.
- John Forbes Nash, Jr.

I've had lots of kids come up and ask for my autograph,
I've had a grandmother stop me and ask me if I know
a good place to buy underwear.
- Prince William

I used to love to play dress-up, where you get your
mother's or your grandmother's dresses and high heels.
- Suzanne Farrell

I always wanted to play Joan of Arc.
I've always wanted to do that.
Now I'm thinking, 'Maybe there's a story in Joan of
Arc's mother!' If I don't hurry up,
her grandmother!
- Ellen Burstyn

I'm a grandmother, and a mighty proud one.
- Sara Paretsky

My grandmother was a minister as well,
which was not that common in the 1930s.
- Colin Firth

I guess I had it made.
My mother gave me advice - she taught me that women
like to be looked in the eye -
and my grandmother gave me condoms.
- Usher Raymond

My grandmother always told me you must keep to your
old roads and stick to your original friends and just go through smooth,
be careful and stay positive.
- Wayne Wonder

At the age of fifteen my grandmother became the concubine of a warlord general.
- Jung Chang

I would write plays for my grandmother,
who was stone deaf, my mother and the dog,
that was our audience.
- Jayne Meadows

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
- Henny Youngman

My grandmother lived with us for a short time while I was a child.
Old people tend to be slightly more eccentric -
they can behave the way they want.
- Julie Walters

I've been a godmother loads of times,
but being a grandmother is better than anything.
- Vivien Leigh

I am a grandmother now, and that means age is creeping on,
creeping on.
- Lillie Langtry

The president took the advice of my East Texas grandmother:
If you can skin a cat without getting the room all bloody,
why not do it that way?
- Richard Land

I thank God, Jesus, and my Grandmother for being able
to support myself and my family.
- Steven Adler

I was literally the black sheep of the family,
and there were definitely moments of discomfort while
my grandmother was working through her racism.
- Lisa Bonet

My grandfather was in a barbershop quartet and my grandmother
was in a gospel quartet with her sisters.
- Kevin Richardson

And I would really like to be a grandmother,
but only when Felix or Emily meet the right person and are ready.
- Jilly Cooper

There are only two families in the world,
my old grandmother used to say, the Haves and the Have-nots.
- Miguel de Cervantes

As a child I knew almost nothing, nothing beyond what
I had picked up in my grandmother's house.
All children, I suppose, come into the world like that,
not knowing who they are.
- V. S. Naipaul

My grandmother and I saw an average of eight movies a week,
double features, second run.
- Carol Burnett

I have a role now that I think becomes me.
I am a grandmother.
- Gene Tierney

My grandmother sang, too, and she was really loud.
It was this wild kind of singing.
I count her among my influences.
- Cassandra Wilson

My grandmother passed at 104.
She sang and wrote songs until she passed.
- Rita Coolidge

Modern invention has banished the spinning wheel,
and the same law of progress makes the woman of today
a different woman from her grandmother.
- Susan B. Anthony

My grandmother though, began to prepare in her own neurotic -
and I think psychotic -
way to face racism.
So she taught us to be racist, which is something I
had to undo later when I got to Michigan,
you know.
- James Earl Jones

My grandmother and I followed my mother here,
to a house a block north of Hollywood Boulevard but
a million miles away from Hollywood,
if you know what I mean.
We would hang out behind the ropes and look at the
movie stars arriving at the premieres.
- Carol Burnett


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