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Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
by Ambrose Bierce

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
- Ambrose Bierce

Related topics: Technology

History is an account, mostly false,
of events,
mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers,
mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making in all,
two.
- Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

 

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates
some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and
disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj.
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- Ambrose Bierce

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The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor
upon the business known as gambling.
- Ambrose Bierce

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise
in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Ambrose Bierce

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power
to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
- Ambrose Bierce

Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit
without individual responsibility.
- Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather,
and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Ambrose Bierce

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -
who has no gills.
- Ambrose Bierce

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils
his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
- Ambrose Bierce

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
- Ambrose Bierce

Prejudice - a vagrant opinion without visible means of support.
- Ambrose Bierce

What is a democrat? One who believes that the republicans have ruined the country.
What is a republican? One who believes that the democrats would ruin the country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Witticism.
A sharp and clever remark, usually quoted and seldom noted;
what the Philistine is pleased to call a joke.
- Ambrose Bierce

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves,
and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed
to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
- Ambrose Bierce

Acquaintance.
A person whom we know well enough to borrow from,
but not well enough to lend to.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ambition.
An overmastering desire to be vilified by enemies while
living and made ridiculous by friends when dead.
- Ambrose Bierce

A man is known by the company he organizes.
- Ambrose Bierce

Amnesty, n. The state's magnanimity to those offenders
whom it would be too expensive to punish.
- Ambrose Bierce

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- Ambrose Bierce

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
- Ambrose Bierce

Eloquence, n. The art of orally persuading fools that
white is the color that it appears to be.
It includes the gift of making any color appear white.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sabbath - a weekly festival having its origin in the
fact that God made the world in six days and was arrested on the seventh.
- Ambrose Bierce

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
- Ambrose Bierce

Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think.
- Ambrose Bierce

The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mayonnaise: One of the sauces which serve the French
in place of a state religion.
- Ambrose Bierce

Liberty: One of Imagination's most precious possessions.
- Ambrose Bierce

Doubt is the father of invention.
- Ambrose Bierce

An egotist is a person of low taste -
more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce

Doubt, indulged and cherished, is in danger of becoming denial;
but if honest,
and bent on thorough investigation, it may soon lead
to full establishment of the truth.
- Ambrose Bierce

It is evident that skepticism, while it makes no actual change in man,
always makes him feel better.
- Ambrose Bierce

Eulogy.
Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power,
or the consideration to be dead.
- Ambrose Bierce

Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one
who speaks without knowledge,
of things without parallel.
- Ambrose Bierce

Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about
as large and wise as a man's head.
- Ambrose Bierce

Spring beckons!
All things to the call respond; the trees are leaving and cashiers abscond.
- Ambrose Bierce

Edible, adj.: Good to eat, and wholesome to digest,
as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- Ambrose Bierce

Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.
- Ambrose Bierce

Forgetfulness - a gift of God bestowed upon debtors
in compensation for their destitution of conscience.
- Ambrose Bierce

Jealous, adj.
Unduly concerned about the preservation of that which
can be lost only if not worth keeping.
- Ambrose Bierce

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way,
commonly with the property of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

I believe we shall come to care about people less and less.
The more people one knows the easier it becomes to replace them.
It's one of the curses of London.
- Ambrose Bierce

The best thing to do with the best things in life is to give them up.
- Ambrose Bierce

What this country needs what every country needs occasionally
is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism
on which its existence as a nation depends.
- Ambrose Bierce

Cynic, n: a blackguard whose faulty vision sees things as they are,
not as they ought to be.
- Ambrose Bierce

When you doubt, abstain.
- Ambrose Bierce

Architect.
One who drafts a plan of your house,
and plans a draft of your money.
- Ambrose Bierce

Immortality: A toy which people cry for,
And on their knees apply for, Dispute,
contend and lie for, And if allowed Would be right
proud Eternally to die for.
- Ambrose Bierce

All are lunatics, but he who can analyze his delusions is called a philosopher.
- Ambrose Bierce

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation
of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
- Ambrose Bierce

Fidelity - a virtue peculiar to those who are about to be betrayed.
- Ambrose Bierce

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled
on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- Ambrose Bierce

Life - a spiritual pickle preserving the body from decay.
- Ambrose Bierce

Patriotism.
Combustible rubbish ready to the torch of any one ambitious to illuminate his name.
- Ambrose Bierce


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