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Jokes are better than war.
by George Mikes

Jokes are better than war.
Even the most aggressive jokes are better than the least aggressive wars.
Even the longest jokes are better than the shortest wars.
- George Mikes

On the Continent people have good food;
in England people have good table manners.
- George Mikes

An Englishman, even if he is alone, forms an orderly queue of one.
- George Mikes

Many Continentals think life is a game;
the English think cricket is a game.
- George Mikes

 

When people say England, they sometimes mean Great Britain,
sometimes the United Kingdom, sometimes the British Isles,
- but never England.
- George Mikes

In England only uneducated people show off their knowledge;
nobody quotes Latin or Greek authors in the course of conversation,
unless he has never read them.
- George Mikes

The world still consists of two clearly divided groups:
the English and the foreigners.
One group consists of less than 50 million people;
the other of 3,950 million.
The latter group does not really count.
- George Mikes

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A loyal friend laughs at your jokes
when they're not so good,
and sympathizes with your problems
when they're not so bad.
- Arnold H. Glasgow

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

I don't make jokes.
I just watch the government and report the facts.
- Will Rogers

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb...
and I also know that I'm not blonde.
- Dolly Parton

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
- Mitch Hedberg

The best ideas come as jokes.
Make your thinking as funny as possible.
- David Ogilvy

When there are no women on the tour it can get awful and ugly -
constant horrible jokes and gross behaviour.
It needs to be leavened with a feminine presence.
- Evan Dando

Because it's uncensored cable, I think we'll be able
to do the kind of sketch comedy that really hasn't been seen before.
We can actually finish jokes.
- Aries Spears

It's much easier to make jokes about sensitive issues
if there is some dissent,
some conflict.
- Mo Rocca

Jokes are grievances.
- Marshall McLuhan

When my mother died, I had to go on air that night and do jokes.
- Graham Kennedy

It's perfectly okay if you don't understand every single one of them.
For one thing, I make a lot of corny jokes,
and you have to be 40 years old to get some of them.
- Brian P. Cleary

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show.
People generally talk the way they talk in life if
you were in this particular situation.
- Larry David

I think repeating yourself is a sign of old age,
telling the same joke again and again.
Especially if they're jokes that don't make people laugh.
- Simon Le Bon

It's the teenage and university crowd,
so we give them lots of sex jokes and gross humour.
- Keenen Ivory Wayans

Times change.
The farmer's daughter now tells jokes about the traveling salesman.
- Carey Williams

When I make a book, I make it for the child and not for the parent -
no jokes in it for the parents!
- Dick Bruna

I've always been terrible on regular sitcoms with lots of jokes.
I don't know how to tell jokes.
- Rainn Wilson

I have friends who are going through chemotherapy,
and they make the darkest, most hideous cancer jokes you've ever heard.
- Kathy Griffin

I think the more the actor lets you know what he thinks of the character,
the less the audience cares - like a comedian who laughs at his own jokes.
- Neil LaBute

Sometimes people get passionate about the obscure jokes.
- Martin Short

Most jokes state a bitter truth.
- Larry Gelbart

Family jokes, though rightly cursed by strangers,
are the bond that keeps most families alive.
- Stella Benson

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself
and I put myself forward instead of the jokes;
at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.
- Wanda Sykes

If you want anything done well, do it yourself.
This is why most people laugh at their own jokes.
- Bob Edwards

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings.
You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
- David Letterman

The most fun I ever have is sitting in with Rick writing,
and we laugh at our own jokes.
- Adrian Edmondson

I can tell jokes.
I can talk to the audience.
I can relax.
I can change my songs whenever I want.
I can change the tempos.
I can change the mood, because I'm in charge.
- Robert Goulet

Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot

You achieve the surreal jokes through the realism by making it elastic.
- Dylan Moran

The thing about all good horror movies is that the
fans expect a couple of inside jokes.
Maybe I'm supposed to be saying how terrified I was while making it,
but it was really fun.
- Margot Kidder

I'm from New York, I make kind of somewhat maybe lewd,
at times - maybe some would say dirty -
jokes.
But in jest.
- Sarah Michelle Gellar

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen,
see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
- David Letterman

A difference of taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections.
- George Eliot

If you keep making jokes like that, somebody is going to shoot you,
father.
- Mary Todd Lincoln

It was a somber place, haunted by old jokes and lost laughter.
Life, as I discovered, holds no more wretched occupation
than trying to make the English laugh.
- Malcolm Muggeridge

I like to hold the microphone cord like this,
I pinch it together, then I let it go,
then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
- Mitch Hedberg

Comedy, at least the way I write comedy,
is just drama with jokes.
- Rob Walton

One of my biggest problems with comedy was that I did
not understand some of the jokes.
- Desi Arnaz

My dog was with me all the time.
I talked to my dog.
She was my best buddy.
I shared all my secrets with her, but I don't think
I every really tried jokes out with the dog.
- Cathy Guisewite

There's a few tunes of mine that don't have jokes,
but most of them have a joke and they have a humorous point of view somewhere.
- Mose Allison

The storyboard artists job is to plan out shot for shot the whole show,
write all the dialog, and decide the mood,
action, jokes, pacing, etc of every scene.
- Craig McCracken

I don't consider myself a comic but a performer.
A comic tells bad jokes.
- Sandra Bernhard

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy
of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads,
where they are safe.
- Emo Philips

It is requisite for the relaxation of the mind that we make use,
from time to time, of playful deeds and jokes.
- Thomas Aquinas

I try to exist in a world where there is freedom of opinion,
where you're allowed to make jokes.
I don't want to live in some PC world where no-one's allowed to say anything.
- Boy George

I don't care if my jokes are appropriate for a kid.
- Drew Carey

In polite society one laughs at all the jokes,
including the ones one has heard before.
- Frank Dane

Don't make jokes about food.
- David Lean

It had more layers than an onion.
These writers meant business.
There was a level for everybody.
Your major could be celestial mechanics,
and there'd be celestial-mechanics jokes.
- Billy West

I'm not a standup.
I don't really have jokes.
I don't have 10 minutes.
It took a while for me to realize this.
- Julia Sweeney

Forgive, O Lord, my little jokes on Thee,
and I'll forgive Thy great big joke on me.
- Robert Frost

I never believe them when they say that because you
really have to sort of be aware of what's going on
in the news in order to get the jokes on the show.
- Samantha Bee

I don't like jokes in speeches.
I do like wit and humor.
A joke is to humor what pornography is to erotic language in a good novel.
- James Humes

Wit is a weapon.
Jokes are a masculine way of inflicting superiority.
But humor is the pursuit of a gentle grin,
usually in solitude.
- Frank Muir

You can't just yell jokes at people.
- David Cross

The main jokes in this film are about big things,
love and life and zombies - we all get that.
- Simon Pegg

I guess my idea of a good audience is one that's quiet and listens,
but also that's alive: they respond,
they're getting the jokes,
they're with me.
And that' s been happening.
- Dan Hicks

My way of fitting in was through jokes and making people laugh.
- Carrot Top

Soon I learned that the worse the puns and jokes,
the funnier they could be, if you knew how to deliver them.
- John Lasseter

I reserve the right to tell shaggy dog stories or even
common jokes as part of what I'm doing.
I don't give a damn if half the audience walks out.
- David Antin

I do jokes about what's funny, and both sides are funny.
- Mark Russell

I don't want to be 60 years old standing on stage telling some jokes.
I want my life to mean something.
- Steve Harvey

A serious and good philosophical work could be written
consisting entirely of jokes.
- Ludwig Wittgenstein


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