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I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.
by Tim Vine

I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday.
I'll tell you what, never again.
- Tim Vine

I love acting, but it's all just a bonus.
- Tim Vine

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me
to do the splits?' He said:
'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'
- Tim Vine

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.
- Tim Vine

 

So I got home, and the phone was ringing.
I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'
- Tim Vine

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur.
I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
- Tim Vine

So I rang up my local swimming baths.
I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said
'It depends where you're calling from.'
- Tim Vine

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So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.
- Tim Vine

I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past.
It was a bit choppy.
- Tim Vine

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything:
trying to pack myself in a small suitcase.
I can hardly contain myself.
- Tim Vine

Velcro: what a rip-off.
- Tim Vine

I was reading a book...
'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.
- Tim Vine

Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds.
- Tim Vine

People ask 'do you make a conscious effort not to swear?' -
if you're doing silly stuff you're not tempted to put swearing in.
All the comics from my childhood, who were funny without swearing,
were the people that influenced me.
What I do is quite traditional anyway.
- Tim Vine

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese.
And there are five people in my family,
so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother, Colin.
Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu.
But I think it's Colin.
- Tim Vine

I sit in places like Costa Coffee in Banstead and write rubbish.
I need a deadline.
I think about the 44 tour dates and keep imagining
standing in front of all these people.
Then every day I write 15 jokes minimum.
- Tim Vine

My house is a bit like a teenager's bedroom.
The kind of pictures you have hanging up on your wall say a lot about you.
I've got ones of Evel Knievel, Elvis and Starsky and Hutch,
signed by David Soul.
- Tim Vine

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down,
don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards.
I thought 'This is unusual'.
And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine,
get out of the filing cabinet.
- Tim Vine

With silly stuff, it's seventy-five percent confidence.
I always tell people that it's because I'm nervous
about getting that next laugh and I need to hear it.
I always want to condense a joke.
- Tim Vine

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly,
"one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower."
- Hans Christian Andersen

Just when the caterpillar thought
the world was over, it became a butterfly.
- Anonymous

Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences.
No one can eliminate prejudices -
just recognize them.
- Edward R. Murrow

A friend is someone who knows all about you,
and loves you just the same.
- Elbert Hubbard

Everything is a miracle,
not just the beautiful and lovely things.
- Anonymous

The River of Life has no meaning,
no good, no bad, no better, no worse,
no love, no hate, no fear, no anger, no joy.
The River of Life has no judgment, no expectation.
The River of Life just IS.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I have just three things to teach:
simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
- Lao Tzu

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
- Mother Teresa

I love you just the way you are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Is today a day to gather strength from the storm -
a day to to learn life lessons for the next battle?
Or is today a day to sit by the fire
and watch the storm rage outside?
Either way, the storm is just life.
Give thanks for all of Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing,
of just going along,
listening to all the things you can't hear,
and not bothering.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

Know the power and the peace of saying,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is NOT "Supposed to be Fair."
Know that there is no single way that life is "supposed" to be.
Demanding that life meet our expectations
is a sure fire recipe for a miserable existence.
Life is a game with no rules.
Life just happens to us regardless of our best intentions.
Our only path to happiness lies in being open
to receiving whatever life throws at us -
with Gratitude. Have NO Expectations of life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Hold on... Joyfully.
Holding-on does not have to be
a desperate teeth-gritting kind of holding-on.
Holding-on can be a joyful
"this is just the nature of Life,
so I may as well enjoy it"
kind of holding-on.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Just stop it. Seriously.
Whatever it is. Just stop it.
If only for an hour, a day, a week.
Stop doing it long enough to get a glimpse
of what the change would actually look like.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Dave Barry

What if we just pretended that life was easy?
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Just another cold, misty morning inviting,
"want to go again?"
- Mary Anne Radmacher

What you don't do daily, you probably won't do weekly either.
What you make a habit of putting-off
just keeps getting pushed away again and again.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You remember lesson about balance?
Lesson not just karate only. Lesson for whole life.
Whole life have a balance. Everything be better. Understand?
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid

You don't need a reason to be happy,
just a choice.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

For a happy marriage,
love and accept your spouse just the way they are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

There is nothing to do.
There is nothing to say.
There is nothing to think.
There is nothing to feel.
The River of Life just flows.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The best of a book is not the thought which it contains,
but the thought which it suggests;
just as the charm of music dwells not in the tones
but in the echoes of our hearts.
- Oliver Wendell Holmes

I wrap the potential for bitterness,
resentment, martyrdom in the blanket of forgiveness
and just set it down.
Then it just melts in the warmth. And goes away.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

What if we just acted like everything was easy?
- Mary Anne Radmacher

One can flow harmoniously with the River -
or one can struggle fearfully against the River -
and the River just flows.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Non-violence is a powerful and just weapon which cuts without wounding
and ennobles the man who wields it. It is a sword that heals.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

People are just as happy
as they make up their minds to be.
- Abraham Lincoln

Just start dancing and the band will find you.
- Tama Kieves

A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.
- William James

Improve what you can
and accept all the rest of life
just as it comes.
Know that fear is your worst enemy -
perhaps your only enemy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

And just dance a little.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

As for accomplishments,
I just did what I had to do as things came along.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Without zest, what is life?
Just waiting for death?
- Osho

With every rising of the sun
Think of your life as just begun.
- Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Love is like a beautiful flower
which I may not touch,
but whose fragrance makes the garden
a place of delight just the same.
- Helen Keller

If you want to feel rich,
just count all of the things you have that money can't buy.
- Anonymous

Our greatest weakness lies in giving up.
The most certain way to succeed
is always to try just one more time.
- Thomas A. Edison

A closed mind is like a closed book;
just a block of wood.
- Chinese proverb

You don't have to burn books to destroy a culture.
Just get people to stop reading them.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Most people give up just when
they're about to achieve success.
They quit on the one yard line.
They give up at the last minute of the game,
one foot from a winning touch down.
- Ross Perot

It is darkest just before the dawn.
- Proverb

I never had a policy;
I have just tried to do my very best each and every day.
- Abraham Lincoln

Innocence isn't ever lost completely;
we just need to maintain our goodness to regain it.
- Jewel

Always dream and shoot higher than you know you can do.
Don't bother just to be better than
your contemporaries or predecessors.
Try to be better than yourself.
- William Faulkner

Just smiling goes a long way toward
making you feel better about life.
And when you feel better about life, your life is better.
- Art Linkletter

Could you risk believing that everything
will unfold just fine if you completely let go
of all concern about everything else,
and simply are here, now - if only for a moment?
- Dmitri Bilgere

To have done anything just for money
is to have been truly idle.
- Henry David Thoreau

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves,
Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking
so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it is in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
- Marianne Williamson

We ourselves feel that what we are doing
is just a drop in the ocean.
But the ocean would be less
because of that missing drop.
- Mother Teresa


Quotes and Sayings

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and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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