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Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my ...
by Henny Youngman

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Henny Youngman

Related topics: Travel

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation,
he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
- Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need,
if I die by four o'clock.
- Henny Youngman

 

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit.
Tell me when it's ready.
- Henny Youngman

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I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night!
Finally, I let her out.
- Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple.
She's fast and he's hideous.
- Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out.
How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it,
and puts in into an unlocked car.
- Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches.
I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed,
it's feet first!
- Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
- Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
- Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died.
He was a karate expert, then joined the army.
The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
- Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll
be sorry for tomorrow morning,
sleep late.
- Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
- Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
- Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
- Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living,
she'd kill me.
She thinks I'm selling dope.
- Henny Youngman

Take my wife...
Please!
- Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
- Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel!
Room service has an unlisted number.
- Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women.
In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
- Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again,
do it overseas.
- Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog.
Then they were separated.
His dog graduated!
- Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk.
Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
- Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
- Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
- Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
- Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed...
so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time.
Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead.
I was afraid to bet.
- Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to
a woman who'll give you a little love,
a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house,
that's what it means.
- Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
- Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill.
She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens.
One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of
the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday!
It took seven horses to beat him.
- Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
- Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
- Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
- Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls.
I stepped on a rake.
- Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -
they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henny Youngman

Just when the caterpillar thought
the world was over, it became a butterfly.
- Anonymous

Everyone is a prisoner of his own experiences.
No one can eliminate prejudices -
just recognize them.
- Edward R. Murrow

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly,
"one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower."
- Hans Christian Andersen

A friend is someone who knows all about you,
and loves you just the same.
- Elbert Hubbard

The River of Life has no meaning,
no good, no bad, no better, no worse,
no love, no hate, no fear, no anger, no joy.
The River of Life has no judgment, no expectation.
The River of Life just IS.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Everything is a miracle,
not just the beautiful and lovely things.
- Anonymous

Life is NOT "Supposed to be Fair."
Know that there is no single way that life is "supposed" to be.
Demanding that life meet our expectations
is a sure fire recipe for a miserable existence.
Life is a game with no rules.
Life just happens to us regardless of our best intentions.
Our only path to happiness lies in being open
to receiving whatever life throws at us -
with Gratitude. Have NO Expectations of life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing,
of just going along,
listening to all the things you can't hear,
and not bothering.
- A. A. Milne (Winnie-The-Pooh)

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
- Mother Teresa

Know the power and the peace of saying,
"I love you just the way you are."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It ain't what you don't know that gets you into trouble.
It's what you know for sure that just ain't so.
- Mark Twain (attributed)

I have just three things to teach:
simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
- Lao Tzu

Is today a day to gather strength from the storm -
a day to to learn life lessons for the next battle?
Or is today a day to sit by the fire
and watch the storm rage outside?
Either way, the storm is just life.
Give thanks for all of Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I love you just the way you are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Hold on... Joyfully.
Holding-on does not have to be
a desperate teeth-gritting kind of holding-on.
Holding-on can be a joyful
"this is just the nature of Life,
so I may as well enjoy it"
kind of holding-on.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Just stop it. Seriously.
Whatever it is. Just stop it.
If only for an hour, a day, a week.
Stop doing it long enough to get a glimpse
of what the change would actually look like.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

The probability that we may fail
in the struggle ought not to deter us
from the support of a cause we believe to be just.
- Abraham Lincoln

One must know not just how to accept a gift,
but with what grace to share it.
- Maya Angelou

If you understand, things are just as they are;
if you do not understand, things are just as they are.
- Zen Proverb

I have not failed.
I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.
- Thomas Edison

People are just as happy
as they make up their minds to be.
- Abraham Lincoln

You remember lesson about balance?
Lesson not just karate only. Lesson for whole life.
Whole life have a balance. Everything be better. Understand?
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid


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