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I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath
by Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers

Related topics: Funny

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else,
and we strive to swim on top.
- Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
- Joan Rivers

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- Joan Rivers

 

Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good,
until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think
in your mind that the counsel is wise.
- Joan Rivers

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Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
- Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness.
My audiences are my group therapy.
- Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life.
All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.'
For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness,
but I always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made.
- Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals.
She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- Joan Rivers

Yeah, I read history.
But it doesn't make you nice.
Hitler read history, too.
- Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked,
but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit,
the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
- Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
- Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth
he forgot to cut the cord.
For a year that kid followed me everywhere.
It was like having a dog on a leash.
- Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house,
and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
- Joan Rivers

I hate housework!
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months
later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
- Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
- Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
- Joan Rivers

I don't excercise.
If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
- Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me.
And equal partners we will be.
- Joan Rivers

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish.
I don't work out.
If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you.
For years I used to wake up my daughter and say,
'Melissa you ripped me to shreds.
Now go back to sleep.'.
- Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look
like without plastic surgery.
- Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling,
I'll consider it.
- Joan Rivers

Die when I may, I want it said by those who knew me best
that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower
where I thought a flower would grow.
- Abraham Lincoln

What would you attempt to do if you knew you could not fail?
- Robert H. Schuller

I want it said of me by those who knew me best,
that I always plucked a thistle and planted a flower
where I thought a flower would grow.
- Abraham Lincoln

We are now at a point where we must educate our children
in what no one knew yesterday,
and prepare our schools for what no one knows yet.
- Margaret Mead

When we hate our enemies, we are
giving them power over us:
power over our sleep, our appetites,
our blood pressure, our health, and our happiness.
Our enemies would dance with joy if only
they knew how they were worrying us,
lacerating us, and getting even with us!
Our hate is not hurting them at all,
but our hate is turning our own days
and nights into a hellish turmoil.
- Dale Carnegie

When I saw you I fell in love,
and you smiled because you knew.
- commonly but falsely attributed to William Shakespeare

I breathed a song into the air,
It fell to earth, I knew not where;
For who has sight so keen and strong,
That it can follow the flight of song -
The song from beginning to end,
I found again in the heart of a friend.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

I wanted to be a forest ranger or a coal man.
At a very early age, I knew I didn't want to do what my dad did,
which was work in an office.
- Harrison Ford

I wanted to escape so badly.
But of course I knew I couldn't just give up and leave school.
It was only when I heard my mom's voice that I came out of my hiding place.
- Zhang Ziyi

I never knew how to worship until I knew how to love.
- Henry Ward Beecher

The world is a country which nobody ever yet knew by description;
one must travel through it one's self to be acquainted with it.
- Lord Chesterfield

I always knew that food and wine were vital,
with my mother being Italian and a good cook.
- Robert Mondavi

Without music, life would be a mistake...
I would only believe in a God who knew how to dance.
- Friedrich Nietzsche

A person is smart. People are dumb,
panicky dangerous animals and you know it.
Fifteen hundred years ago everybody knew
the Earth was the center of the universe.
Five hundred years ago,
everybody knew the Earth was flat,
and fifteen minutes ago,
you knew that humans were alone on this planet.
Imagine what you'll know tomorrow.
- the movie Men in Black

My father? I never knew him.
Never even seen a picture of him.
- Eminem

All my life I knew that there was all the money you could want out there.
All you have to do is go after it.
- Curtis Carlson

The more he became truly wise,
the more he distrusted everything he knew.
- Voltaire

Peace hath higher tests of manhood, than battle ever knew.
- John Greenleaf Whittier

So my father was a person who never lied to me.
If I had a question, he answered it.
I knew a lot of things at a young age because I was intrigued.
- Nick Cannon

What great thing would you attempt if you knew you could not fail?
- Robert H. Schuller

I wasn't anything special as a father.
But I loved them and they knew it.
- Sammy Davis, Jr.

My family knew, but most of the sporting world did
not realize that my right hand been some 75% paralyzed.
- Bill Toomey

John Candy knew he was going to die.
He told me on his 40th birthday.
He said, well, Maureen, I'm on borrowed time.
- Maureen O'Hara

If I knew for a certainty that a man was coming to my house
with the conscious design of doing me good,
I should run for my life.
- Henry David Thoreau

If we knew what it was we were doing,
it would not be called research, would it?
- Albert Einstein

My dad was a musician and I traveled around with him,
so it was something that I knew.
- Taryn Manning

Never have doubted it, even when the plane crash happened.
I wasn't mad at God.
I just knew that there was a reason that I didn't know about why it happened.
- Reba McEntire

That image is a couple different people's homes that I knew growing up.
- Zach Braff

I shall go the way of the open sea, to the lands I knew before you came,
and the cool ocean breezes shall blow from me the memory of your name.
- Adela Florence Nicolson

I'm not sure exactly what Victor told Dr. Goldman,
but I don't think he fully knew what was going on...
I think he was really oblivious.
I don't think he knew.
- Kelli White

If men knew how women pass the time when they are alone,
they'd never marry.
- O. Henry

My dad used to say, 'You wouldn't worry so much about
what people thought about you if you knew how seldom they did.
- Phil McGraw

I knew an actor's career goes up and down and back up again.
Your standing in this business can't be your whole identity;
otherwise,
you're doomed.
- Lisa Kudrow

We knew it was going to be difficult to get to the moon.
We didn't know how difficult.
- Alan Bean

If men knew all that women think, they would be twenty times more audacious.
- Alphonse Karr

The biggest problem was the politicians knew nothing about fighting a war.
- R. Lee Ermey

By 1946, I knew Detroit was the best hockey city in the Original Six.
- Ted Lindsay


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