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If a man watches three football games in a row,
by Erma Bombeck

If a man watches three football games in a row,
he should be declared legally dead.
- Erma Bombeck

Related topics: Sports

Like religion, politics, and family planning,
cereal is not a topic to be brought up in public.
It's too controversial.
- Erma Bombeck

Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.
They are consumed in twelve minutes.
Half-times take twelve minutes.
This is not coincidence.
- Erma Bombeck

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck

 

When humor goes, there goes civilization.
- Erma Bombeck

Don't confuse fame with success.
Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
- Erma Bombeck

Never have more children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck

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When I stand before God at the end of my life,
I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left,
and could say, 'I used everything you gave me'.
- Erma Bombeck

A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife
an electric skillet for her birthday.
- Erma Bombeck

Car designers are just going to have to come up with
an automobile that outlasts the payments.
- Erma Bombeck

A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend -
and he's a priest.
- Erma Bombeck

If life is a bowl of cherries, then what am I doing in the pits?
- Erma Bombeck

Sometimes I can't figure designers out.
It's as if they flunked human anatomy.
- Erma Bombeck

Never order food in excess of your body weight.
- Erma Bombeck

A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club.
You're not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
- Erma Bombeck

Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
- Erma Bombeck

Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League
uniforms be white? Certainly not a mother.
- Erma Bombeck

It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
- Erma Bombeck

Dreams have only one owner at a time.
That's why dreamers are lonely.
- Erma Bombeck

I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
- Erma Bombeck

Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck

Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck

I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
- Erma Bombeck

I was terrible at straight items.
When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the only thing
I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
- Erma Bombeck

My second favorite household chore is ironing.
My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck

I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
- Erma Bombeck

Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
- Erma Bombeck

When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running
and he says he's doing nothing but the dog is barking,
call 911.
- Erma Bombeck

Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has
found its way back into society.
We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out
of business twenty years ago.
- Erma Bombeck

Humorists can never start to take themselves seriously.
It's literary suicide.
- Erma Bombeck

Children make your life important.
- Erma Bombeck

Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation.
If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour,
she can hurt you.
- Erma Bombeck

There's something wrong with a mother who washes out
a measuring cup with soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
- Erma Bombeck

In general my children refuse to eat anything that
hasn't danced in television.
- Erma Bombeck

Anybody who watches three games of football in a row
should be declared brain dead.
- Erma Bombeck

Someone once threw me a small, brown,
hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a wastebasket over it until it was dead.
- Erma Bombeck

Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage
on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
- Erma Bombeck

When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere formality.
It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no.
You're going to get it anyway.
- Erma Bombeck

For years my wedding ring has done its job.
It has led me not into temptation.
It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties
that it's time to go home.
It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion.
It has been a status symbol in the maternity ward.
- Erma Bombeck

For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer
than most marriages is not easy.
- Erma Bombeck

Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they
will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
- Erma Bombeck

Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
- Erma Bombeck

If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
- Erma Bombeck

There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain,
comedy and tragedy, humor and hurt.
- Erma Bombeck

I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women
had affairs during their lunch hour.
I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for sex.
- Erma Bombeck

Before you try to keep up with the Joneses,
be sure they're not trying to keep up with you.
- Erma Bombeck

How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
- Erma Bombeck

It goes without saying that you should never have more
children than you have car windows.
- Erma Bombeck

I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic
without realizing how lucky we are to live in a society
where it is traditional to wear clothes.
- Erma Bombeck

Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever.
Women never throw out spices.
The Egyptians were buried with their spices.
I know which one I'm taking with me when I go.
- Erma Bombeck

Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
- Erma Bombeck

My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply,
smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door,
let it be.
No one else cares.
Why should you?
- Erma Bombeck

Somewhere it is written that parents who are critical
of other people's children and publicly admit they
can do better are asking for it.
- Erma Bombeck

I have a theory about the human mind.
A brain is a lot like a computer.
It will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
- Erma Bombeck

It is not until you become a mother that your judgment
slowly turns to compassion and understanding.
- Erma Bombeck

One thing they never tell you about child raising is
that for the rest of your life,
at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your
child's name and how old he or she is.
- Erma Bombeck

In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds.
I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
- Erma Bombeck

There is nothing more miserable in the world than to
arrive in paradise and look like your passport photo.
- Erma Bombeck

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where
you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
- Erma Bombeck

People shop for a bathing suit with more care than
they do a husband or wife.
The rules are the same.
Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing.
Allow for room to grow.
- Erma Bombeck

House guests should be regarded as perishables:
Leave them out too long and they go bad.
- Erma Bombeck

The only reason I would take up jogging is so that
I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck

God created man, but I could do better.
- Erma Bombeck

Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
- Erma Bombeck

Some say our national pastime is baseball.
Not me.
It's gossip.
- Erma Bombeck

On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy
ourselves keeping the sun off our skin,
the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our belongings.
- Erma Bombeck

What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your
chest if you asked directions somewhere?
- Erma Bombeck

All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage.
Taking children into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
- Erma Bombeck

There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake
Christmas morning and not be a child.
- Erma Bombeck


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