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I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced
by Elayne Boosler

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced
so they won't think something's wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler

Related topics: Funny

The Vatican is against surrogate mothers.
Good thing they didn't have that rule when Jesus was born.
- Elayne Boosler

I have six locks on my door all in a row.
When I go out, I lock every other one.
I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks,
they are always locking three.
- Elayne Boosler

When the sun comes up, I have morals again.
- Elayne Boosler

 

Wouldn't it be great if you could only get AIDS by
giving money to television preachers?
- Elayne Boosler

When women are depressed, they eat or go shopping.
Men invade another country.
It's a whole different way of thinking.
- Elayne Boosler

I'm just a person trapped inside a woman's body.
- Elayne Boosler

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My ancestors wandered lost in the wilderness for forty
years because even in biblical times,
men would not stop to ask for directions.
- Elayne Boosler

You never see a man walking down the street with a
woman who has a little potbelly and a bald spot.
- Elayne Boosler

Ever notice that Soup for One is eight aisles away from Party Mix?
- Elayne Boosler

To listen to your own silence is the key to comedy.
- Elayne Boosler

One can never consent to creep when one feels the impulse to soar.
- Helen Keller

Hate is never conquered by hate,
Hate is only conquered by love.
- The Buddha

You are never too old to set another goal
or to dream a new dream.
- C. S. Lewis

People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou

Choose Inner Peace.
Nothing is worth losing your inner peace.
Take action as circumstances require,
but never surrender your inner peace.
Stop. Breathe deeply.
Close your eyes and breathe deeply again.
Then, and only then, take action -
from a peaceful heart.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Sing like no one's listening,
love like you've never been hurt,
dance like nobody's watching,
and live like its heaven on earth.
- Mark Twain

There are only two or three human stories,
and they go on repeating themselves as fiercely
as if they had never happened before.
- Willa Cather

There are two kinds of failures:
those who thought and never did,
and those who did and never thought.
- Laurence J. Peter

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world.
For, indeed, that's all who ever have.
- Margaret Mead

Never let the fear of striking out get in your way.
- Babe Ruth

You never really understand a person
until you consider things from his point of view.
- Harper Lee

Our greatest glory is not in never falling,
but in rising every time we fall.
- Confucius

Our Joy comes from living our own lives simply -
never from demanding that others live simply -
or from ever making any demands whatsoever upon others.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Mama always said life was like a box of chocolates.
You never know what you're gonna get.
- the movie Forrest Gump

Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle,
and the life of the candle will not be shortened.
Happiness never decreases by being shared.
- The Buddha

Never interrupt someone doing what you said couldn't be done.
- Amelia Earhart

Be thankful for what you have; you'll end up having more.
If you concentrate on what you don't have,
you will never, ever have enough.
- Oprah Winfrey

I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou

If you love something, set it free;
if it comes back it's yours,
if it doesn't, it never was.
- Richard Bach

You cannot do a kindness too soon,
for you never know how soon it will be too late.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

You are important. You are the star -
the only star - of your own life show.
Everyone else is a bit player in the great drama of your life.
Be of service to humanity, but never be anyone's doormat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You are Never Too Old to Give or Get Gold Stars.
Show Your Honest Appreciation - Today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

It's never too late -
never too late to start over,
never too late to be happy.
- Jane Fonda

Stay Happy, never let anyone get your goat.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Two things a man should never be angry at:
what he can help,
and what he cannot help.
- Thomas Fuller

I never accepted the idea
that I had to be guided by
some pattern or blueprint.
- Little Richard

I never worry about action, but only about inaction.
- Winston Churchill

Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
- Thomas Jefferson
(also attributed to Benjamin Franklin and Lord Chesterfield)

Never do things others can do and will do
if there are things others cannot do or will not do.
- Amelia Earhart

The human voice can never reach the distance
that is covered by the still small voice of conscience.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Talk not of wasted affection;
affection never was wasted.
- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Never give up on the most important goals in your life.
Never give up on your life purpose.
Never give up on your core values.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We never repent of having eaten too little.
- Thomas Jefferson

We can never get enough of what we don't really need.
- Matthew Kelly

We never see what we are not ready to see.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The sum of wisdom is that
time is never lost that is devoted to work.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A part of you has grown in me.
And so you see, it's you and me
together forever and never apart,
maybe in distance, but never in heart.
- Anonymous

Never be in a hurry; do everything quietly and in a calm spirit.
Do not lose your inner peace for anything whatsoever,
even if your whole world seems upset.
- Saint Francis de Sales

Goodness is the only investment that never fails.
- Henry David Thoreau

Love like you've never been hurt,
dance like no one is watching,
live as though heaven is on earth.
- Satchel Paige

You see things and you say, Why?
But I dream things that never were and say, Why not
- George Bernard Shaw

There are those that look at things
the way they are, and ask "Why?"
I dream of things that never were, and ask "Why not?"
- Robert F. Kennedy paraphrase of George Bernard Shaw

Never say or do anything you wouldn't want
to be the last thing you ever said or did.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

So long as you have courage and a sense of humor,
it is never too late to start life afresh.
- Freeman Dyson

We never NEED anything; we never NEED to do something.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Love the heart that hurts you,
but never hurt the heart that loves you.
- Vipin Sharma

Be the chief but never the lord.
- Lao Tzu

May your right hand always be
stretched out in friendship, never in want.
- Irish Blessing

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
- William Shakespeare

You may be always victorious if
you will never enter into any contest
where the issue does not wholly depend upon yourself.
- Epictetus

A great secret of success is to go through life
as a man who never gets used up.
- Albert Schweitzer

We know nothing at all.
All our knowledge is but the knowledge of schoolchildren.
The real nature of things we shall never know.
- Albert Einstein

There comes a time when the mind
takes a higher plane of knowledge
but can never prove how it got there.
- Albert Einstein

You will never do anything in this world without courage.
It is the greatest quality of the mind next to honor.
- James Allen

Never impose on others what
you would not choose for yourself.
- Confucius (Ancient Chinese)

I never considered a difference of opinion
in politics, in religion, in philosophy,
as cause for withdrawing from a friend.
- Thomas Jefferson

I never had a policy;
I have just tried to do my very best each and every day.
- Abraham Lincoln

Go ahead. Weep for the rare,
the never seen this way again,
the excruciating, ineffable,
unmitigated beauty of love.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

The weak can never forgive.
Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

It is never too late to become what you might have been.
- George Eliot


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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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