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Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing,
by Fran Lebowitz

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing,
because I assure you that what he feels like doing,
you won't feel like watching.
- Fran Lebowitz

As a teenager you are at the last stage in your life
when you will be happy to hear that the phone is for you.
- Fran Lebowitz

Food is an important part of a balanced diet.
- Fran Lebowitz

If you're going to America, bring your own food.
- Fran Lebowitz

 

If you are a dog and your owner suggests that you wear
a sweater suggest that he wear a tail.
- Fran Lebowitz

Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
- Fran Lebowitz

Success didn't spoil me, I've always been insufferable.
- Fran Lebowitz

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In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
- Fran Lebowitz

When you leave New York, you are astonished at how
clean the rest of the world is.
Clean is not enough.
- Fran Lebowitz

I never met anyone who didn't have a very smart child.
What happens to these children, you wonder,
when they reach adulthood?
- Fran Lebowitz

Original thought is like original sin:
both happened before you were born to people you could not have possibly met.
- Fran Lebowitz

Stand firm in your refusal to remain conscious during algebra.
In real life, I assure you, there is no such thing as algebra.
- Fran Lebowitz

Scientists - the crowd that for dash and style make
the general public look like the Bloomsbury set.
- Fran Lebowitz

Never relinquish clothing to a hotel valet without
first specifically telling him that you want it back.
- Fran Lebowitz

I never took hallucinogenic drugs because I never wanted
my consciousness expanded one unnecessary iota.
- Fran Lebowitz

Don't bother discussing sex with small children.
They rarely have anything to add.
- Fran Lebowitz

Your life story would not make a good book.
Don't even try.
- Fran Lebowitz

Ask your child what he wants for dinner only if he's buying.
- Fran Lebowitz

To put it rather bluntly, I am not the type who wants to go back to the land;
I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel.
- Fran Lebowitz

No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture
unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation.
- Fran Lebowitz

The conversational overachiever is someone whose grasp exceeds his reach.
This is possible but not attractive.
- Fran Lebowitz

Children are the most desirable opponents at scrabble
as they are both easy to beat and fun to cheat.
- Fran Lebowitz

Andy Warhol made fame more famous.
- Fran Lebowitz

My favorite animal is steak.
- Fran Lebowitz

If you are truly serious abut preparing your child for the future,
don't teach him to subtract teach him to deduct.
- Fran Lebowitz

Nothing succeeds like address.
- Fran Lebowitz

Even when freshly washed and relieved of all obvious confections,
children tend to be sticky.
- Fran Lebowitz

There is no such thing as inner peace.
There is only nervousness or death.
Any attempt to prove otherwise constitutes unacceptable behavior.
- Fran Lebowitz

Contrary to popular opinion, the hustle is not a new dance step -
it is an old business procedure.
- Fran Lebowitz

Polite conversation is rarely either.
- Fran Lebowitz

The opposite of talking isn't listening.
The opposite of talking is waiting.
- Fran Lebowitz

Radio news is bearable.
This is due to the fact that while the news is being broadcast,
the disk jockey is not allowed to talk.
- Fran Lebowitz

Remember that as a teenager you are in the last stage
of your life when you will be happy to hear the phone is for you.
- Fran Lebowitz

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning
the lottery are identical whether you play or not.
- Fran Lebowitz

Being a woman is of special interest only to aspiring male transsexuals.
To actual women, it is simply a good excuse not to play football.
- Fran Lebowitz

I must take issue with the term 'a mere child,'
for it has been my invariable experience that the company
of a mere child is infinitely preferable to that of a mere adult.
- Fran Lebowitz

Designer clothes worn by children are like snowsuits worn by adults.
Few can carry it off successfully.
- Fran Lebowitz

Great people talk about ideas, average people talk about things,
and small people talk about wine.
- Fran Lebowitz

All God's children are not beautiful.
Most of God's children are, in fact,
barely presentable.
- Fran Lebowitz

Calling a taxi in Texas is like calling a rabbi in Iraq.
- Fran Lebowitz

Nature is by and large to be found out of doors,
a location where, it cannot be argued,
there are never enough comfortable chairs.
- Fran Lebowitz

Very few people possess true artistic ability.
It is therefore both unseemly and unproductive to irritate
the situation by making an effort.
If you have a burning, restless urge to write or paint,
simply eat something sweet and the feeling will pass.
- Fran Lebowitz

Having been unpopular in high school is not just cause for book publications.
- Fran Lebowitz

If you are of the opinion that the contemplation of
suicide is sufficient evidence of a poetic nature,
do not forget that actions speak louder than words.
- Fran Lebowitz

In the Soviet Union, capitalism triumphed over communism.
In this country, capitalism triumphed over democracy.
- Fran Lebowitz

You can't go around hoping that most people have sterling moral characters.
The most you can hope for is that people will pretend that they do.
- Fran Lebowitz

The telephone is a good way to talk to people without
having to offer them a drink.
- Fran Lebowitz

Vegetables are interesting but lack a sense of purpose
when unaccompanied by a good cut of meat.
- Fran Lebowitz

Humility is no substitute for a good personality.
- Fran Lebowitz

I figure you have the same chance of winning the lottery whether you play or not.
- Fran Lebowitz

I place a high moral value on the way people behave.
I find it repellent to have a lot, and to behave with
anything other than courtesy in the old sense of the word -
politeness of the heart,
a gentleness of the spirit.
- Fran Lebowitz

My desire to curtail undue freedom of speech extends
only to such public areas as restaurants,
airports, streets, hotel lobbies, parks,
and department stores.
Verbal exchanges between consenting adults in private
are as of little interest to me as they probably are to them.
- Fran Lebowitz

Romantic love is mental illness.
But it's a pleasurable one.
It's a drug.
It distorts reality, and that's the point of it.
It would be impossible to fall in love with someone that you really saw.
- Fran Lebowitz

You will not be punished for your anger,
you will be punished by your anger.
- The Buddha

Lord, grant that I might not so much
seek to be loved as to love.
- St. Francis of Assisi

Every child comes with the message
that God is not yet discouraged of man.
- Rabindranath Tagore

The true meaning of life is to plant trees,
under whose shade you do not expect to sit.
- Nelson Henderson

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our Light, not our Darkness, that most frightens us.
- Marianne Williamson

The essence of life is not in
the great victories and grand failures,
but in the simple joys.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Love one another but make not a bond of love.
Let it rather be a moving sea
between the shores of your souls.
- Khalil Gibran

The beauty does not live out there;
the beauty's in my eyes.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The butterfly counts not months but moments, and has time enough.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Everything has beauty,
but not everyone sees it.
- Confucius

"Just living is not enough," said the butterfly,
"one must have sunshine, freedom and a little flower."
- Hans Christian Andersen

Love does not claim possession, but gives freedom.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished.
- Lao Tzu

The mind is not a vessel to be filled
but a fire to be kindled.
- Plutarch

To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu

I am not afraid of storms
for I am learning how to sail my ship.
- Louisa May Alcott

A good traveler has no fixed plans,
and is not intent on arriving.
- Lao Tzu

The world is perfect. It's a mess.
It has always been a mess.
We are not going to change it.
Our job is to straighten out our own lives.
- Joseph Campbell


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