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People say New Yorkers can't get along.
by David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along.
Not true.
I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers,
sharing a cab.
One guy took the tires and the radio;
the other guy took the engine.
- David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- David Letterman

There's no business like show business,
but there are several businesses like accounting.
- David Letterman

 

There is no off position on the genius switch.
- David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
- David Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor.
At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
- David Letterman

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Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now
supports the ban on gay marriages.
I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
- David Letterman

I had no idea this thing was televised.
Boy, is my face red.
- David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're
changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
- David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings.
You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
- David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons.
That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb.
Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
- David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey -
apparently,
three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
- David Letterman

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize
when to pull the trigger.
- David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen -
he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter.
It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
- David Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early -
is it just me,
or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
- David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind.
Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
- David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body
builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
- David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
- David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those
who knew that they were wrong.
- David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the
number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman

New York...
when civilization falls apart, remember,
we were way ahead of you.
- David Letterman

Dick Cheney said he was running again.
He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.'
Yeah,
that's always the sign of a man in good health,
isn't it?
- David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein.
I don't know anything about explosives,
but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
- David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours,
we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
- David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen,
see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
- David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger.
Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
- David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive.
They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live.
You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
- David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq.
The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
- David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time.
You spring forward, then you fall back.
It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
- David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense.
But this transition is going to be tough because it's
been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
- David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy.
But Clinton now is working very hard.
He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese.
And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
- David Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead.
He's dead, then he's alive, then dead,
then alive.
It's just confusing.
Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
- David Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous.
It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties.
The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather
and thought it was spring,
so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
- David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before
they actually consider Iraq a threat.
For example, France wants more evidence.
And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted
more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
- David Letterman

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war,
and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval
of the American voters to become president,
either.
- David Letterman

People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou

People only see what they are prepared to see.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends,
of most of the people you see every day,
is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White

To laugh often and much;
to win the respect of intelligent people
and the affection of children,
to leave the world a better place,
to know even one life has breathed easier
because you have lived,
this is to have succeeded.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Imagine all the people living life in peace.
You may say I'm a dreamer,
but I'm not the only one.
I hope someday you'll join us,
and the world will be as one.
- John Lennon

I've learned that people will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou

To the people who love you,
you are beautiful already.
This is not because they're
blind to your shortcomings
but because they so clearly see your soul.
- Victoria Moran

Truth is not defined by
how many people believe something.
Ask. Question. Think.
Decide - for yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you can't feed a hundred people, then feed just one.
- Mother Teresa

People that seem so glorious are all show;
underneath they are like everyone else.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Don't live your life to please other people.
- Oprah Winfrey

Fear defeats more people than
any other one thing in the world.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Never believe that a few caring people can't change the world.
For, indeed, that's all who ever have.
- Margaret Mead

When people get caught up with that which is right
and they are willing to sacrifice for it,
there is no stopping point short of victory.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

I believe that everything happens for a reason.
People change so that you can learn to let go,
things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right,
you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself,
and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.
- Marilyn Monroe

People are like stained glass windows,
they sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when darkness sets in their true beauty
is revealed only if there is a light from within.
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

You can't stop the music, nobody can stop the music.
- Village People

Whenever you're in conflict with someone,
there is one factor that can make the difference
between damaging your relationship and deepening it.
That factor is attitude.
- William James

The enlightened give thanks
for what most people take for granted.
- Michael Beckwith

A common denominator of all religions is that
they have the power to bring out the best and the worst in people.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

When dealing with people, remember you are
not dealing with creatures of logic,
but creatures of emotion.
- Dale Carnegie

Knowing your own darkness is the best method
for dealing with the darknesses of other people.
- Carl Jung

People who work together will win,
whether it be against complex football defenses,
or the problems of modern society.
- Vince Lombardi

People generally complain about only two things:
when they have less than yesterday,
and when they have less than their neighbor.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I must dedicate my life to teaching my people,
for only education would make their lot less bitter,
their latent power more strong.
- Jimmy Yen

Great people are those who make others feel
that they, too, can become great.
- Mark Twain

People are just as happy
as they make up their minds to be.
- Abraham Lincoln

Despite everything, I believe that people are really good at heart.
- Anne Frank

What people believe prevails over the truth.
- Sophocles

Things turn out best for the people
who make the best of the way things turn out.
- Art Linkletter

The most successful people in life
are generally those who have the best information.
- Benjamin Disraeli

People hardly ever make use of the freedom which they have,
for example, freedom of thought;
instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation.
- Soren Kierkegaard

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize
how close they were to success when they gave up.
- Thomas Edison

People in their handlings of affairs
often fail when they are about to succeed.
If one remains as careful at the end
as he was at the beginning,
there will be no failure.
- Lao Tzu


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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