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I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
- George Carlin
Related topics: Funny
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out
where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
- George Carlin
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero,
he no longer is.
- George Carlin
By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
- George Carlin
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One great thing about getting old is that
you can get out of all sorts of social obligations
just by saying you're too tired.
- George Carlin
Honesty may be the best policy,
but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination,
dishonesty is the second-best policy.
- George Carlin
So far, this is the oldest I've been.
- George Carlin
The reason I talk to myself is because
I'm the only one whose answers I accept.
- George Carlin
If it requires a uniform, it's a worthless endeavor.
- George Carlin
I love and treasure individuals as I meet them;
I loathe and despise the groups
they identify with and belong to.
- George Carlin
Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
- George Carlin
If a man smiles all the time,
he's probably selling something that doesn't work.
- George Carlin
No one knows what's next, but everybody does it.
- George Carlin
The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
- George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is,
and realize half of them are stupider than that.
- George Carlin
Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
- George Carlin
I would never want to be a member of a group
whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
- George Carlin
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American
recently passed each other in opposite directions.
- George Carlin
I don't like to think of laws
as rules you have to follow,
but more as suggestions.
- George Carlin
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends
is that three out of four murders
are committed by people who know the victim.
- George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
- George Carlin
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?
- George Carlin
Inside every cynical person,
there is a disappointed idealist.
- George Carlin
If it's true that our species is alone in the universe,
then I'd have to say that the universe
aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance:
It attempts to work things out so that
everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from
getting violent and trying to take other people's stuff.
- George Carlin
Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man
... living in the sky. Who watches everything you do
every minute of every day. And the invisible man
has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do.
And if you do any of these things,
he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire
and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever,
and suffer, and suffer, and burn, and scream,
until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you.
He loves you and he needs money.
- George Carlin
The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton
It is easier to put on slippers
than to carpet the entire world
- Al Franken
Angry and happy don't mix.
Flush out the angry,
and the happy has a place to put down roots.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Love wasn't put in your heart to stay.
Love isn't love until you give it away.
- Michael W. Smith
If you paint in your mind a picture of
bright and happy expectations,
you put yourself into a condition conducive to your goal.
- Norman Vincent Peale
You can do anything you put your mind to.
- Anonymous
Reality is what you believe it to be.
It's what you put your thought and energy into,
because your hands physically manifest thought.
So your world becomes what you feel and what you think.
- Jewel
Since you get more joy out of giving joy to others,
you should put a good deal of thought
into the happiness that you are able to give.
- Eleanor Roosevelt
If you have built castles in the air,
your work need not be lost;
that is where they should be.
Now put foundations under them.
- Henry David Thoreau
Never put passion before principle.
Even if win, you lose.
- Miyagi: character in the movie Karate Kid 2
You only get out what you put in.
- Anonymous
Simply put, you believe that things
or people make you unhappy,
but this is not accurate.
You make yourself unhappy.
- Wayne Dyer
Put some distance between yourself
and whatever is concerning you.
Distance in space or time
always creates a new perspective.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Be sure you put your feet in the right place, then stand firm.
- Abraham Lincoln
What I recognized is that you can't put it together.
It's already together, and what you have to do
is experience it being together.
- Werner Erhard
Gardening is all about optimism.
I put a seed in the ground.
I consistently tend it,
confident I will see the results, in time,
of the nurture I have provided.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
An idea that is developed and put into action
is more important than
an idea that exists only as an idea.
- The Buddha
It is not the magnitude of our actions
but the amount of love
that is put into them that matters.
- Mother Teresa
Non-violence is not a garment to be put on and off at will.
Its seat is in the heart,
and it must be an inseparable part of our being.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi
Only love has the ability to put you in that state of bliss
- don Miguel Ruiz
Who were you before you put yourself last.
- Mary Anne Radmacher
Wise men put their trust in ideas
and not in circumstances
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
Only put off until tomorrow
what you are willing to die having left undone.
- Pablo Picasso
Love begins at home, and it is not how much we do...
but how much love we put in that action.
- Mother Teresa
If you want to be happy,
put your effort into controlling the sail, not the wind.
- Anonymous
Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today.
- Thomas Jefferson
(also attributed to Benjamin Franklin and Lord Chesterfield)
Put on your own oxygen mask first.
- Airline companies
My Mama always said you've got to put the past behind you
before you can move on.
- the movie Forrest Gump
It is better to lead from behind
and to put others in front,
especially when you celebrate victory
when nice things occur.
You take the front line when there is danger.
Then people will appreciate your leadership.
- Nelson Mandela
I put aside personal preferences and step forward to be of service.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Simply put, mindfulness is moment-to-moment non-judgmental awareness.
- Jon Kabat-Zinn
We all have a social mask, right?
We put it on, we go out, put our
best foot forward, our best image.
But behind that social mask is a personal truth,
what we really, really believe
about who we are and what we're capable of.
- Phil McGraw
Parents can only give good advice or put them on the right paths,
but the final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.
- Anne Frank
Let us honor all children,
and put ourselves into service
preparing a magnificent
earthly home for future generations.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Anyone can heal who believes that he can
and will take the time to put that belief into motion.
- Ernest Holmes
One is taught by experience to put a premium
on those few people who can appreciate you for what you are.
- Gail Godwin
Nobody has ever asked the nuclear family to live
all by itself in a box the way we do.
With no relatives, no support,
we've put it in an impossible situation.
- Margaret Mead
Few things are harder to put up with
than the annoyance of a good example.
- Mark Twain
How true Daddy's words were when he said:
all children must look after their own upbringing.
Parents can only give good advice
or put them on the right paths,
but the final forming of a person's character
lies in their own hands.
- Anne Frank
Preserve me, O God: for in thee do I put my trust.
- Psalm 16:1
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute and it
seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour
and it seems like a minute. That's relativity.
- Albert Einstein
Ending a sentence with a preposition is
something up with which I will not put.
- Winston Churchill
Never put off till tomorrow
what you can do the day after tomorrow.
- Mark Twain
If you doubt the virtue in self-honor,
remember what the flight attendant says,
"Put your own oxygen mask on first."
You are of no use to anyone else
if you have not taken care of your own needs first -
this includes your own emotional,
as well as physical, well-being.
In addition, your greatest value to your children,
your family, your friends, and your community
is the example you set, leading a great life that inspires
those around you to emulate your being.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
The trouble with having an open mind, of course,
is that people will insist on coming along
and trying to put things in it.
- Terry Pratchett
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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