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I remember when the candle shop burned down.
by Steven Wright

I remember when the candle shop burned down.
Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- Steven Wright

Related topics: Birthday

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright

 

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Steven Wright

I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop,
and I'm gone.
- Steven Wright

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I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.
- Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...
the tires got dizzy.
- Steven Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.
- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights,
so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean.
That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
- Steven Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant.
Then it got lost.
It's in the apartment somewhere.
- Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
- Steven Wright

I'm writing a book.
I've got the page numbers done.
- Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs,
was it a joke?
- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.
He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
- Steven Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
- Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking,"
but I don't have that much time.
- Steven Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is,
it's always room temperature.
- Steven Wright

If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
- Steven Wright

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
- Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end.
I'm not sure how I got there.
- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
"Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- Steven Wright

My friend has a baby.
I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy,
Do you have any toy train schedules?
- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if
they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...
you can't hear him talk.
- Steven Wright

You can't have everything.
Where would you put it?
- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...
the people who live above me are furious!
- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.
She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- Steven Wright

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
They sent me a wake-up letter.
- Steven Wright

I was a peripheral visionary.
I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
- Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses.
I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown.
When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- Steven Wright

The other day I...
uh, no, that wasn't me.
- Steven Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
- Steven Wright

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories.
- Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light,
and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
- Steven Wright

I was walking down the street wearing glasses when
the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.
- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?
- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...
eventually.
- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...
not on purpose.
- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing
on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright

It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is,
it's always room temperature.
- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada,
they asked if I had any firearms with me.
I said, "Well, what do you need?"
- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica.
The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast,
and stick it out the window.
- Steven Wright

On the other hand, you have different fingers.
- Steven Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you
know it will be up all night.
- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- Steven Wright

If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
- Steven Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
- Steven Wright

I have an existential map.
It has 'You are here' written all over it.
- Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- Steven Wright


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