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I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host. ...
by David Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.
- David Letterman

Related topics: Funny

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles,
watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.
- David Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings.
You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.
- David Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen -
he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter.
It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.
- David Letterman

 

New York...
when civilization falls apart, remember,
we were way ahead of you.
- David Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor.
At least that's what everybody thinks he said.
- David Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body
builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.
- David Letterman

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It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early -
is it just me,
or does it not really feel like Ramadan?
- David Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.
- David Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those
who knew that they were wrong.
- David Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq.
The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.
- David Letterman

I had no idea this thing was televised.
Boy, is my face red.
- David Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time.
You spring forward, then you fall back.
It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.
- David Letterman

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now
supports the ban on gay marriages.
I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.
- David Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive.
They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live.
You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.
- David Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen,
see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.
- David Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're
changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
- David Letterman

Dick Cheney said he was running again.
He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.'
Yeah,
that's always the sign of a man in good health,
isn't it?
- David Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense.
But this transition is going to be tough because it's
been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.
- David Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey -
apparently,
three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
- David Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger.
Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.
- David Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along.
Not true.
I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers,
sharing a cab.
One guy took the tires and the radio;
the other guy took the engine.
- David Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein.
I don't know anything about explosives,
but, my God, do those things even need to explode?
- David Letterman

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize
when to pull the trigger.
- David Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours,
we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.
- David Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.
- David Letterman

There's no business like show business,
but there are several businesses like accounting.
- David Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.
- David Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons.
That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb.
Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.
- David Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind.
Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?
- David Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch.
- David Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the
number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.
- David Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous.
It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties.
The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather
and thought it was spring,
so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.
- David Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before
they actually consider Iraq a threat.
For example, France wants more evidence.
And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted
more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.
- David Letterman

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war,
and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval
of the American voters to become president,
either.
- David Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy.
But Clinton now is working very hard.
He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese.
And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.
- David Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead.
He's dead, then he's alive, then dead,
then alive.
It's just confusing.
Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.
- David Letterman

Dance Lightly With Life:
Today is your day to
dance lightly with life,
sing wild songs of adventure,
soar your spirit,
unfurl your joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Today is your day to dance lightly with life,
sing wild songs of adventure,
invite rainbows and butterflies out to play,
soar your spirit, and unfurl your joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Fly Life on Free Wings, and Sing to its Glory.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
"I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

May your life always be Counterpoint to the Clamor of the World.
May you delight in Dancing Lightly With Life.
May you soar on eagle wings, high above the madness of the world.
May you always sing Melody in the Symphony of Your Life.
May you taste, smell, and touch your dreams of a beautiful tomorrow.
May your sun always shine, and your sky be forever blue.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Today is your day to Spread Wing and Soar.
Fly Life on Free Wings, and Sing to its Glory.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A bird does not sing because it has an answer.
It sings because it has a song.
- Chinese Proverb

Always Sing Melody in the Symphony of Your Own Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is a song - sing it.
Life is a game - play it.
Life is a challenge - meet it.
Life is a dream - realize it.
Life is a sacrifice - offer it.
Life is love - enjoy it.
- Sai Baba

Sing like no one's listening,
love like you've never been hurt,
dance like nobody's watching,
and live like its heaven on earth.
- Mark Twain

If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labor.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.
- Og Mandino

Find your balance and stand with it.
Find your song and sing it out.
Find your cadence and let it appear like a dance.
Find the questions that only you know how to ask and
The answers that you are content to not know.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

I Sing Wild Songs Of Adventure.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

May your spirit soar throughout the vast cathedral of your being.
May your mind whirl joyful cartwheels of creativity.
May your heart sing sweet lullabies of timelessness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

May your mind whirl joyful cartwheels of creativity.
May your heart sing sweet lullabies of timelessness.
May your essence be the nectar of the open blossom of your joy.
May your spirit soar throughout the vast cathedral of your being.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Smile broadly, sing loudly,
paint your rooms in bold colors,
search every rabbit hole
for a magical white bunny,
have caviar for breakfast
and oatmeal for dinner,
wear a purple coat with a red hat -
dance lightly with life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Today is my day to dance lightly with life,
sing wild songs of adventure,
invite rainbows & butterflies out to play,
soar my spirit, and unfurl my joy.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Dance like no one is watching,
love like you'll never be hurt.
Sing like no one is listening.
Live life like it's heaven on earth.
- Anonymous (various attributions and alternate phrasings)

I won't give up 'til goats sing and walruses fly.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

May your heart sing sweet lullabies of timelessness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Know the power of choice.
Fly life on free wings,
and sing to its glory.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

May you always sing Melody in the Symphony of Your Life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Be an Original, smile broadly, sing loudly,
paint your rooms in bold colors,
search every rabbit hole for a magical white bunny,
have caviar for breakfast and oatmeal for dinner,
wear a purple coat with a red hat, dance lightly with life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I celebrate myself, and sing myself.
- Walt Whitman

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
May your spirit soar throughout the vast cathedral of your being.
May your mind whirl joyful cartwheels of creativity.
May your heart sing sweet lullabies of timelessness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Indifferent to whether your mood is grumpy or cheerful,
Nature always sings her passionate song of joyful celebration.
You can never stop the happy song of life,
so join the celebration -
sing along, dance, make love,
smile your biggest smile, and cheer on God's music.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Our opportunity is to visualize a kinder world.
To sing glad songs of tomorrow -
imagining a world of love -
of the whole world filled with love.
To offer our hand... often.
To breathe deeply and honor ourselves.
To pause and contemplate... just because.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

This is the answer to all questions about relationship.
When two people sing their lives in harmony,
their lives are grand.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Alas for those that never sing,
But die with all their music in them!
- Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

Never try to teach a pig to sing.
It wastes your time, and it annoys the pig.
- Mark Twain

You don't love someone for their looks,
or their clothes, or for their fancy car,
but because they sing a song only you can hear.
- Anonymous

Swans sing before they die - 'twere no bad thing should
certain persons die before they sing.
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge

Birds sing after a storm; why shouldn't people feel
as free to delight in whatever remains to them?
- Rose Kennedy

I sing seriously to my mom on the phone.
To put her to sleep, I have to sing "Maria" from West Side Story.
When I hear her snoring, I hang up.
- Adam Sandler


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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