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It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes. ...
by Jay London

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
- Jay London

Related topics: Funny

My father would take me to the playground,
and put me on mood swings.
- Jay London

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument.
He told me to knock myself out.
- Jay London

I went to the doctor and he said I had acute appendicitis,
and I said compared to who?
- Jay London

 

I recorded my hair this morning, tonight I'm watching the highlights.
- Jay London

I went out with a promiscuous impressionist -
she did everybody.
- Jay London

People read me but they don't subscribe.
- Jay London

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After all these years I had the privilege of naming my private part,
cause we have nicknames.
So I named my private part pride...
it's not much but at least I have my pride.
- Jay London

I was going to buy a book on hair loss,
but the pages kept falling out.
- Jay London

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions.
He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.
- Jay London

I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.
- Jay London

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.
- Jay London

I was born nine months premature.
- Jay London

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia.
I said I'm more concerned about the adults.
- Jay London

I went to a record store and asked for 50 cent.
They kicked me out for pan-handling.
- Jay London

I once dated a weather girl, we talked up a storm.
- Jay London

At Motel 6 in Amish Country I wonder if they leave the light on for you?
- Jay London

Do you know it was a year a ago today?
- Jay London

I saw a sign it said left lane closed so I went someplace else.
- Jay London

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training,
I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.
- Jay London

A window of opportunity for me usually involves a rock.
- Jay London

I wanted to join the Army the sign said 'Be All That You Can Be',
they told me it wasn't enough.
- Jay London

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.
- Jay London

Did you know that today will never be tomorrow.
- Jay London

My boss told me to get my butt in gear.
I told him I was shiftless.
- Jay London

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket,
she said it fit my personality.
- Jay London

My girlfriend has crabs, I bought her fishnet stockings.
- Jay London

I saw a stationery store move.
- Jay London

A guy gave me a job at an information booth -
no questions asked.
- Jay London

You know what burns me? Matches.
- Jay London

I went to the store and bought lady fingers,
when I got home I noticed one of the fingers was missing
so I went back to the store and the manager was nice
enough to give me the finger.
- Jay London

I went to a urologist - he told me I could go at any time.
- Jay London

Does anybody know what I'm doing up here?
- Jay London

I model irregular clothing.
- Jay London

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take
pictures we can't say cheese.
- Jay London

We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all of our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time
- T. S. Eliot

If you have no confidence in self,
you are twice defeated in the race of life.
With confidence, you have won even before you have started.
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

The secret of getting ahead is getting started.
The secret of getting started is
breaking your complex overwhelming tasks
into small manageable tasks,
and starting on the first one.
- Mark Twain

An individual has not started living
until he can rise above the narrow confines
of his individualistic concerns
to the broader concerns of all humanity.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

What are you committed to?
Have you started, or are you still thinking about it -
and making excuses?
Do you work toward your goal each day?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

There is a secret wisdom-of-the-ages
that holds the key to breaking our
cycle of self-imposed suffering.
The secret wisdom is, "Life is not supposed to be fair."
This is not sad news. This is GLORIOUS news!
Life is not broken. Nothing is wrong.
God has not failed, died, or gone on vacation.
The world is working perfectly. We just misunderstood.
Somewhere along the way, someone got the idea that
life was "supposed" to be "fair,"
and all the trouble started -
expectation, disappointment, resentment, anger -
a whole cycle of suffering that began
with the belief that life is "supposed" to be "fair."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

As I have discovered by examining my past,
I started out as a child.
Coincidentally, so did my brother.
My mother did not put all her eggs in one basket,
so to speak: she gave me a younger brother named Russell,
who taught me what was meant by "survival of the fittest."
- Bill Cosby

I have been dairy free for several years,
and I started because I felt it was going to reduce my allergies,
which it did, and help me lose weight,
which it did.
- Fran Drescher

The greatest pleasure when I started making money was
not buying cars or yachts but finding myself able to
have as many freshly typed drafts as possible.
- Gore Vidal

I started playing ball when I was a kid.
My dad was a pro ball player and he passed on his knowledge to me.
- Kurt Russell

It was a Greek tragedy.
Nixon was fulfilling his own nature.
Once it started it could not end otherwise.
- Henry A. Kissinger

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
- Bill Maher

I started on an Apple II, which I had bought at the
very end of 1978 for half of my annual income.
I made $4,500 a year, and I spent half of it on the computer.
- Bill Budge

I started dieting.
I dieted, dieted, dieted and tried all the diets and
I would lose and then I would go back to normal eating
and would put it on and then some.
- Suzanne Somers

We should not judge people by their peak of excellence;
but by the distance they have traveled from the point where they started.
- Henry Ward Beecher

I'm not a real movie star.
I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
- Will Rogers

The Sweetest Strawberry:
A man traveling across a field encountered a tiger.
He fled, the tiger after him.
Coming to a precipice,
he caught hold of the root of a wild vine
and swung himself over the edge.
The tiger sniffed at him from above.
Trembling, the man looked down to where,
far below, another tiger was waiting to eat him.
Only the vine sustained him.
Two mice, one white and one black,
little by little started to gnaw away the vine.
The man then saw a luscious strawberry near him.
Grasping the vine with one hand,
he plucked the strawberry with the other.
How sweet it tasted.
- Zen Koan

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty.
She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeneres

The gunner's mate came up and started breaking the locks on the ammunition.
Everything was locked up for fear that someone might
go in there with a cigarette or something.
- Barney Ross

I'll keep working as long as I live because singing
has taken on the feeling of joy that I had when I started,
when my only responsibility was to sing well.
- Rosemary Clooney

In a way, I started out to be a baritone player.
- Gerry Mulligan

I decided I was going to tell these stories.
I went around and met Crumb.
He was the cartoonist.
I started realizing comics weren't just kid stuff.
- Harvey Pekar

When I first started to get into writing,
it was via music.
I'd generate ideas for songs that would turn into stories,
then they'd turn into novels.
I was biased toward music.
- Irvine Welsh

The person who does not know how to live while they
are making a living is a poorer person after their
wealth is won than when they started.
- J. G. Holland

For a long time I wanted to be a comic strip artist
but when I started doing them in my teens they were
getting really elaborate with tons of poses and a lot of information.
- Craig McCracken

I started a big part of my career in Vegas.
- Louie Anderson

After a while I started to think of that as an image
of something that went a lot deeper than the dead dog,
which is you can't bring back anything to life.
- Alan Alda

I started writing movie scripts.
They excited me a lot, but I didn't like them when
they were finished because they were simple copies
of the films I saw in childhood.
- Manuel Puig

I started crying 20 seconds into the movie and didn't stop till it was over.
- Joel Siegel

In most recent times, as the West started being hostile to us,
we deliberately declared a Look East policy.
- Robert Mugabe

Six months later I was in Paris.
I was 16, and it all started to happen.
- Eva Herzigova

I received $100 per week when I started working at
the Globe after graduation.
- Will McDonough

Germany is an economic giant but a political midget,
and with the end of the Cold War she has started to
muscle her presence throughout Europe and the world.
- Christo

The stage is my love, it's where I started and where I do my best work.
- Jeremy Piven

So I started chanting when I was nineteen,
which was about twelve years ago, and it really had
a huge impact on my outlook,
happiness, and general creativity.
- Duncan Sheik

When I started doing my work years ago,
I had doubts as to whether the informed-consent question was answerable.
- Jock Sturges


Quotes and Sayings

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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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