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Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates
by Ambrose Bierce

Telephone, n. An invention of the devil which abrogates
some of the advantages of making a disagreeable person keep his distance.
- Ambrose Bierce

Related topics: Technology

Bride: A woman with a fine prospect of happiness behind her.
- Ambrose Bierce

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor
upon the business known as gambling.
- Ambrose Bierce

Sweater, n.: garment worn by child when its mother is feeling chilly.
- Ambrose Bierce

 

Conservative, n: A statesman who is enamored of existing evils,
as distinguished from the Liberal who wishes to replace them with others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Mad, adj.
Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ocean: A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man -
who has no gills.
- Ambrose Bierce

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Politics: A strife of interests masquerading as a contest of principles.
The conduct of public affairs for private advantage.
- Ambrose Bierce

History is an account, mostly false,
of events,
mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers,
mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.
- Ambrose Bierce

Vote: the instrument and symbol of a freeman's power
to make a fool of himself and a wreck of his country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Lawsuit: A machine which you go into as a pig and come out of as a sausage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Education, n.: That which discloses to the wise and
disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
- Ambrose Bierce

Wit - the salt with which the American humorist spoils
his intellectual cookery by leaving it out.
- Ambrose Bierce

Learning, n. The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious.
- Ambrose Bierce

Photograph: a picture painted by the sun without instruction in art.
- Ambrose Bierce

Success is the one unpardonable sin against our fellows.
- Ambrose Bierce

Marriage, n: the state or condition of a community consisting of a master,
a mistress, and two slaves, making in all,
two.
- Ambrose Bierce

Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambrose Bierce

Corporation: An ingenious device for obtaining profit
without individual responsibility.
- Ambrose Bierce

Academe, n.: An ancient school where morality and philosophy were taught.
Academy, n.: A modern school where football is taught.
- Ambrose Bierce

Beauty, n: the power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
- Ambrose Bierce

Day, n. A period of twenty-four hours, mostly misspent.
- Ambrose Bierce

Painting, n.: The art of protecting flat surfaces from the weather,
and exposing them to the critic.
- Ambrose Bierce

Experience - the wisdom that enables us to recognise
in an undesirable old acquaintance the folly that we have already embraced.
- Ambrose Bierce

Inventor: A person who makes an ingenious arrangement of wheels,
levers and springs, and believes it civilization.
- Ambrose Bierce

Admiral.
That part of a warship which does the talking while
the figurehead does the thinking.
- Ambrose Bierce

What this country needs what every country needs occasionally
is a good hard bloody war to revive the vice of patriotism
on which its existence as a nation depends.
- Ambrose Bierce

War is God's way of teaching Americans geography.
- Ambrose Bierce

Cabbage: a familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about
as large and wise as a man's head.
- Ambrose Bierce

Abscond - to move in a mysterious way,
commonly with the property of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

Enthusiasm - a distemper of youth, curable by small
doses of repentance in connection with outward applications of experience.
- Ambrose Bierce

Edible - good to eat and wholesome to digest,
as a worm to a toad, a toad to a snake,
a snake to a pig, a pig to a man, and a man to a worm.
- Ambrose Bierce

Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves,
and good fortune to others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Absence blots people out.
We really have no absent friends.
- Ambrose Bierce

Religion.
A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance
the nature of the Unknowable.
- Ambrose Bierce

To apologize is to lay the foundation for a future offense.
- Ambrose Bierce

Eulogy.
Praise of a person who has either the advantages of wealth and power,
or the consideration to be dead.
- Ambrose Bierce

The hardest tumble a man can make is to fall over his own bluff.
- Ambrose Bierce

Meekness: Uncommon patience in planning a revenge that is worth while.
- Ambrose Bierce

Optimism - the doctrine or belief that everything is beautiful,
including what is ugly.
- Ambrose Bierce

Laziness.
Unwarranted repose of manner in a person of low degree.
- Ambrose Bierce

When you doubt, abstain.
- Ambrose Bierce

Admiration, n. Our polite recognition of another's
resemblance to ourselves.
- Ambrose Bierce

Bore, n. A person who talks when you wish him to listen.
- Ambrose Bierce

Pray: To ask the laws of the universe to be annulled
on behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy.
- Ambrose Bierce

A man is known by the company he organizes.
- Ambrose Bierce

Happiness: an agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another.
- Ambrose Bierce

Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion.
- Ambrose Bierce

Fork: An instrument used chiefly for the purpose of
putting dead animals into the mouth.
- Ambrose Bierce

Doubt begins only at the last frontiers of what is possible.
- Ambrose Bierce

We submit to the majority because we have to.
But we are not compelled to call our attitude of subjection a posture of respect.
- Ambrose Bierce

Insurance - an ingenious modern game of chance in which
the player is permitted to enjoy the comfortable conviction
that he is beating the man who keeps the table.
- Ambrose Bierce

Dawn: When men of reason go to bed.
- Ambrose Bierce

A total abstainer is one who abstains from everything but abstention,
and especially from inactivity in the affairs of others.
- Ambrose Bierce

Backbite.
To speak of a man as you find him when he can't find you.
- Ambrose Bierce

Duty - that which sternly impels us in the direction of profit,
along the line of desire.
- Ambrose Bierce

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation
of denying himself a pleasure.
- Ambrose Bierce

An egotist is a person of low taste -
more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce

Erudition - dust shaken out of a book into an empty skull.
- Ambrose Bierce

Politeness, n: The most acceptable hypocrisy.
- Ambrose Bierce

Consul - in American politics, a person who having
failed to secure an office from the people is given
one by the Administration on condition that he leave the country.
- Ambrose Bierce

Destiny: A tyrant's authority for crime and a fool's excuse for failure.
- Ambrose Bierce

Dog - a kind of additional or subsidiary Deity designed
to catch the overflow and surplus of the world's worship.
- Ambrose Bierce

Impiety.
Your irreverence toward my deity.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ardor, n. The quality that distinguishes love without knowledge.
- Ambrose Bierce

Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates
what kind of weather we are having.
- Ambrose Bierce

Experience is a revelation in the light of which we
renounce our errors of youth for those of age.
- Ambrose Bierce

Belladonna, n.: In Italian a beautiful lady;
in English a deadly poison.
A striking example of the essential identity of the two tongues.
- Ambrose Bierce

Ambidextrous, adj.: Able to pick with equal skill a
right-hand pocket or a left.
- Ambrose Bierce

The covers of this book are too far apart.
- Ambrose Bierce

Who never doubted, never half believed.
Where doubt is, there truth is - it is her shadow.
- Ambrose Bierce


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