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Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly. ...
by P. J. O'Rourke

Because of their size, parents may be difficult to discipline properly.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Related topics: Funny

Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Staying married may have long-term benefits.
You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over
a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The good news is that, according to the Obama administration,
the rich will pay for everything.
The bad news is that, according to the Obama administration,
you're rich.
- P. J. O'Rourke

 

Every government is a parliament of whores.
The trouble is, in a democracy, the whores are us.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Everybody knows how to raise children,
except the people who have them.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
- P. J. O'Rourke

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Feeling good about government is like looking on the
bright side of any catastrophe.
When you quit looking on the bright side,
the catastrophe is still there.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Never fight an inanimate object.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Never wear anything that panics the cat.
- P. J. O'Rourke

When buying and selling are controlled by legislation,
the first things to be bought and sold are legislators.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There's one more terrifying fact about old people:
I'm going to be one soon.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal,
particularly in women.
Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Gossip is what you say about the objects of flattery
when they aren't present.
- P. J. O'Rourke

You can't get rid of poverty by giving people money.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Ideology, politics and journalism, which luxuriate in failure,
are impotent in the face of hope and joy.
- P. J. O'Rourke

If government were a product, selling it would be illegal.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Always read something that will make you look good
if you die in the middle of it.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Children must be considered in a divorce considered
valuable pawns in the nasty legal and financial contest that is about to ensue.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The proper behavior all through the holiday season is to be drunk.
This drunkenness culminates on New Year's Eve,
when you get so drunk you kiss the person you're married to.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Earnestness is stupidity sent to college.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Whatever it is that the government does,
sensible Americans would prefer that the government
does it to somebody else.
This is the idea behind foreign policy.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Government proposes, bureaucracy disposes.
And the bureaucracy must dispose of government proposals by dumping them on us.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose
with the exception of guppies,
who like to eat theirs.
- P. J. O'Rourke

If you say a modern celebrity is an adulterer,
a pervert and a drug addict, all it means is that you've read his autobiography.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There is only one basic human right,
the right to do as you damn well please.
And with it comes the only basic human duty,
the duty to take the consequences.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Family love is messy, clinging, and of an annoying and repetitive pattern,
like bad wallpaper.
- P. J. O'Rourke

You know your children are growing up when they stop
asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they're going.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There is one thing women can never take away from men.
We die sooner.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Politics are for foreigners with their endless wrongs and paltry rights.
Politics are a lousy way to get things done.
Politics are, like God's infinite mercy,
a last resort.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting
dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
- P. J. O'Rourke

There's something about Marxism that brings out warts;
the only kind of growth this economic system encourages.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Let's reintroduce corporal punishment in the schools -
and use it on the teachers.
- P. J. O'Rourke

America wasn't founded so that we could all be better.
America was founded so we could all be anything we damned well pleased.
- P. J. O'Rourke

A very quiet and tasteful way to be famous is to have a famous relative.
Then you can not only be nothing, you can do nothing too.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Never be unfaithful to a lover, except with your wife.
- P. J. O'Rourke

You may be surprised to discover you're rich,
especially if you're broke.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Even very young children need to be informed about dying.
Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child.
This will make threatening him with it much more effective.
- P. J. O'Rourke

A hat should be taken off when you greet a lady and
left off for the rest of your life.
Nothing looks more stupid than a hat.
- P. J. O'Rourke

If you are young and you drink a great deal it will spoil your health,
slow your mind, make you fat - in other words,
turn you into an adult.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Seriousness is stupidity sent to college.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter,
taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn.
The Republicans are the party that says government
doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it.
- P. J. O'Rourke

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience."
Then again,
I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience."
It makes me feel less stupid.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The weirder you're going to behave, the more normal you should look.
It works in reverse, too.
When I see a kid with three or four rings in his nose,
I know there is absolutely nothing extraordinary about that person.
- P. J. O'Rourke

After all, what is your host's purpose in having a
party? Surely not for you to enjoy yourself;
if that were their sole purpose,
they'd have simply sent champagne and women over to your place by taxi.
- P. J. O'Rourke

Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society.
If we're looking for the source of our troubles,
we shouldn't test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity,
ignorance, greed and love of power.
- P. J. O'Rourke

In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents,
worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office.
And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.
- P. J. O'Rourke

The Clinton administration launched an attack on people
in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns.
Hell, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns.
Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock?
- P. J. O'Rourke

The future belongs to those
who believe in the beauty of their dreams.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Riches do not exhilarate us so much with their possession
as they torment us with their loss.
- Epicurus

Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations.
I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty,
believe in them, and try to follow where they lead.
- Louisa May Alcott

No one was ever named "Hero" for following the crowd.
Heroes set their own course.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

We who lived in concentration camps can remember the men
who walked through the huts comforting others,
giving away their last piece of bread...
They offer sufficient proof that everything
can be taken from a man but one thing:
to choose one's attitude in any given set of circumstances,
to choose one's own way.
- Viktor E. Frankl

For some of us, the world appears to provide
only a fixed quantity of each resource -
a limited amount of food, of money,
of love, of success, of appreciation.
For others, life is unlimited.
Their world expands with the generosity, compassion,
inventiveness, and service that they contribute.
In this world-view, money that is spent
or given away returns multiplied.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The essence of all religions is one.
Only their approaches are different.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

Let parents bequeath to their children
not riches, but the spirit of reverence.
- Plato

People are like stained glass windows,
they sparkle and shine when the sun is out,
but when darkness sets in their true beauty
is revealed only if there is a light from within.
- Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

Most folks are about as happy as they make their minds up to be.
- Abraham Lincoln

Envy comes from people's ignorance of,
or lack of belief in, their own gifts.
- Jean Vanier

Your informed, "no," to a particular service
allows another to offer their
gifted and unreserved, "yes."
- Mary Anne Radmacher

People do not seem to realize that
their opinion of the world
is also a confession of character.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Thinkers do not accept the inevitable;
they turn their efforts toward changing it.
- Paramahansa Yogananda

I must dedicate my life to teaching my people,
for only education would make their lot less bitter,
their latent power more strong.
- Jimmy Yen

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
- William Shakespeare

We get to CHOOSE the meaning for our lives.
Our lives mean exactly what we say they do - no more, no less.
Each of us chooses their path in life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Skillful pilots gain their reputation
from storms and tempest.
- Epicurus

The greater the difficulty the more glory in surmounting it.
Skillful pilots gain their reputation from storms and tempests.
- Epictetus

In the sky, there is no distinction of east and west;
people create distinctions out of their own minds
and then believe them to be true.
- The Buddha

I have a dream that my four little children will one day
live in a nation where they will
not be judged by the color of their skin,
but by the content of their character.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

All difficult things have
their origin in that which is easy,
and great things in that which is small.
- Lao Tzu


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