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I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
by Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places.
He told me to quit going to those places.
- Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need,
if I die by four o'clock.
- Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation,
he offered to touch-up my X-rays.
- Henny Youngman

 

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
- Henny Youngman

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.
- Henny Youngman

A doctor gave a man six months to live.
The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.
- Henny Youngman

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I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up -
they have no holidays.
- Henny Youngman

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.
- Henny Youngman

My son complains about headaches.
I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed,
it's feet first!
- Henny Youngman

If you had your life to live over again,
do it overseas.
- Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk.
Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
- Henny Youngman

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.
- Henny Youngman

Do you know what it means to come home at night to
a woman who'll give you a little love,
a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house,
that's what it means.
- Henny Youngman

You have a ready wit.
Tell me when it's ready.
- Henny Youngman

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.
- Henny Youngman

Those two are a fastidious couple.
She's fast and he's hideous.
- Henny Youngman

My other brother-in-law died.
He was a karate expert, then joined the army.
The first time he saluted, he killed himself.
- Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses.
Drinks right out of the bottle.
- Henny Youngman

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out.
How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it,
and puts in into an unlocked car.
- Henny Youngman

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll
be sorry for tomorrow morning,
sleep late.
- Henny Youngman

Take my wife...
Please!
- Henny Youngman

This man is frank and earnest with women.
In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.
- Henny Youngman

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'
- Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog.
Then they were separated.
His dog graduated!
- Henny Youngman

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.
- Henny Youngman

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.
- Henny Youngman

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years.
If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.
- Henny Youngman

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.
- Henny Youngman

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.
- Henny Youngman

While playing golf today I hit two good balls.
I stepped on a rake.
- Henny Youngman

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
- Henny Youngman

I played a great horse yesterday!
It took seven horses to beat him.
- Henny Youngman

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.
- Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.
- Henny Youngman

This is an elegant hotel!
Room service has an unlisted number.
- Henny Youngman

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.
- Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time.
Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead.
I was afraid to bet.
- Henny Youngman

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.
- Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking,
I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

A Jewish woman had two chickens.
One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of
the other one to help the sick one get well.
- Henny Youngman

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night!
Finally, I let her out.
- Henny Youngman

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!
- Henny Youngman

If my mother knew I did this for a living,
she'd kill me.
She thinks I'm selling dope.
- Henny Youngman

My wife dresses to kill.
She cooks the same way.
- Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed...
so much for skydiving.
- Henny Youngman

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
- Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
- Henny Youngman

Re-examine all that you have been told...
dismiss that which insults your soul.
- Walt Whitman

In all of his bestsellers, the Divine has told the truth,
custom-tailored to the comprehension of the times.
- Ernest Holmes

Most of us believe that we have
been betrayed by someone outside of us -
in other words someone has done something to hurt us,
been dishonest or broken a promise made:
some trust in some concept was broken.
Indeed someone may have taken an action
that took only their needs into consideration,
they may have not followed through on a promise made,
and they may have not told you the truth.
But their actions have nothing to do with you
and have everything to do with them.
That's why no one can do anything TO you.
They can take actions that involve you that you may not like -
according to your point of view.
But you are not a victim, no way, no how.
- Sheri Rosenthal

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
- C. S. Lewis

If someone had told me I would be Pope one day,
I would have studied harder.
- Pope John Paul I

Life is about more than today, and more than yourself.
What will your legacy be?
What will your great-grandchildren be told about you?
Creating a legacy does not have to be a burden,
it can be your joy and can create
your satisfaction with living each day.
What kind of world do you want to leave your great-grandchildren?
What can you do today to help create that world?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

I have never been a material girl.
My father always told me never to love anything that cannot love you back.
- Imelda Marcos

It was my father who taught me to value myself.
He told me that I was uncommonly beautiful and that
I was the most precious thing in his life.
- Dawn French

I had been told that the training procedure with cats was difficult.
It's not.
Mine had me trained in two days.
- Bill Dana

A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year.
I told him, "At my age, I don't even buy green bananas."
- Claude Pepper

When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President;
I'm beginning to believe it.
- Clarence Darrow

I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet,
so he gave me pep pills.
Know what happened? I ate faster.
- Joe E. Lewis

I want to have children, but my friends scare me.
One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.
I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner

When I was a kid, I used to imagine animals running under my bed.
I told my dad, and he solved the problem quickly.
He cut the legs off the bed.
- Lou Brock

I wanted to take up music, so my father bought me a blunt instrument.
He told me to knock myself out.
- Jay London

My father always told me that
all businessmen were sons of bitches,
but I never believed it till now.
- John F. Kennedy

I pressed my father's hand and told him I would protect his grave with my life.
My father smiled and passed away to the spirit land.
- Chief Joseph

All that glisters is not gold;
Often have you heard that told.
Many a man his life hath sold
but my outside to behold.
Gilded tombs do worms enfold.
- William Shakespeare

I have this theory - that if we're told we're bad,
then that's the only ideal we'll ever have.
- Jewel

The best money advice ever given me was from my father.
When I was a little girl, he told me,
'Don't spend anything unless you have to.'
- Dinah Shore

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
- Orson Welles

Books! I dunno if I ever told you this,
but books are the greatest gift one person can give another.
- Bono


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