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When trouble arises and things look bad,
by Dave Barry

When trouble arises and things look bad,
there is always one individual who perceives a solution
and is willing to take command.
Very often, that individual is crazy.
- Dave Barry

Related topics: Motivational Cynical Leadership

Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up and dance.
- Dave Barry

You should not confuse your career with your life.
- Dave Barry

No matter what happens, someone will find a way
to take it too seriously.
- Dave Barry

 

Your friends love you anyway.
- Dave Barry

Your modern teenager is not about to listen to advice from an old person,
defined as a person who remembers when there was no Velcro.
- Dave Barry

Auto racing is boring except when a car is going at
least 172 miles per hour upside down.
- Dave Barry

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The four building blocks of the universe are fire,
water, gravel and vinyl.
- Dave Barry

I am not the only person who uses his computer mainly
for the purpose of diddling with his computer.
- Dave Barry

The Internet: transforming society and shaping the future through chat.
- Dave Barry

It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb
cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
- Dave Barry

Skiing combines outdoor fun with knocking down trees with your face.
- Dave Barry

To an adolescent, there is nothing in the world more
embarrassing than a parent.
- Dave Barry

A person who is nice to you,
but rude to the waiter,
is not a nice person.
- Dave Barry

Life is anything that dies when you stomp on it.
- Dave Barry

Bill Gates is a very rich man today...
and do you want to know why? The answer is one word:
versions.
- Dave Barry

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup,
only less filling.
- Dave Barry

We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS,
because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
- Dave Barry

People who want to share their religious views with you
almost never want you to share yours with them.
- Dave Barry

The most powerful force in the universe is: gossip.
- Dave Barry

The Internet is the most important single development
in the history of human communication since the invention of call waiting.
- Dave Barry

My problem with chess was that all my pieces wanted
to end the game as soon as possible.
- Dave Barry

The Sixties are now considered a historical period,
just like the Roman Empire.
- Dave Barry

For me, the worst part of playing golf,
by far, has always been hitting the ball.
- Dave Barry

If you have a big enough dictionary,
just about everything is a word.
- Dave Barry

The real threat to whales is whaling,
which has endangered many whale species.
- Dave Barry

If you had to identify, in one word,
the reason why the human race has not achieved,
and never will achieve, its full potential,
that word would be 'meetings.'
- Dave Barry

Camping is nature's way of promoting the motel business.
- Dave Barry

The leading cause of death among fashion models is
falling through street grates.
- Dave Barry

What may seem depressing or even tragic to one person
may seem like an absolute scream to another person,
especially if he has had between four and seven beers.
- Dave Barry

Skiers view snowboarders as a menace;
snowboarders view skiers as Elmer Fudd.
- Dave Barry

Snowboarding is an activity that is very popular with
people who do not feel that regular skiing is lethal enough.
- Dave Barry

Don't you wish you had a job like mine? All you have
to do is think up a certain number of words!
Plus, you can repeat words!
And they don't even have to be true!
- Dave Barry

The ultimate camping trip was the Lewis and Clark expedition.
- Dave Barry

Have you noticed that whatever sport you're trying to learn,
some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?
- Dave Barry

In fact, when you get right down to it,
almost every explanation Man came up with for anything
until about 1926 was stupid.
- Dave Barry

Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.
- Dave Barry

We operate under a jury system in this country,
and as much as we complain about it,
we have to admit that we know of no better system,
except possibly flipping a coin.
- Dave Barry

The major parties could conduct live human sacrifices
on their podiums during prime time,
and I doubt that anybody would notice.
- Dave Barry

'Escargot' is French for 'fat crawling bag of phlegm'.
- Dave Barry

The one thing that unites all human beings,
regardless of age, gender, religion or ethnic background,
is that we all believe we are above-average drivers.
- Dave Barry

Violence and smut are of course everywhere on the airwaves.
You cannot turn on your television without seeing them,
although sometimes you have to hunt around.
- Dave Barry

The problem with winter sports is that -
follow me closely here -
they generally take place in winter.
- Dave Barry

Magnetism, as you recall from physics class,
is a powerful force that causes certain items to be
attracted to refrigerators.
- Dave Barry

If God had wanted us to be concerned for the plight of the toads,
he would have made them cute and furry.
- Dave Barry

Scientists now believe that the primary biological
function of breasts is to make males stupid.
- Dave Barry

American consumers have no problem with carcinogens,
but they will not purchase any product,
including floor wax, that has fat in it.
- Dave Barry

Although golf was originally restricted to wealthy,
overweight Protestants, today it's open to anybody
who owns hideous clothing.
- Dave Barry

What I look forward to is continued immaturity followed by death.
- Dave Barry

Eugene is located in western Oregon,
approximately 278 billion miles from anything.
- Dave Barry

The problem with writing about religion is that you
run the risk of offending sincerely religious people,
and then they come after you with machetes.
- Dave Barry

You can only be young once.
But you can always be immature.
- Dave Barry

Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States,
unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet.
- Dave Barry

Gravity is a contributing factor in nearly 73 percent
of all accidents involving falling objects.
- Dave Barry

There is a breed of fashion models who weigh no more
than an abridged dictionary.
- Dave Barry

We journalists make it a point to know very little
about an extremely wide variety of topics;
this is how we stay objective.
- Dave Barry

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish,
and then it is disgusting.
- Dave Barry

I believe that we parents must encourage our children to become educated,
so they can get into a good college that we cannot afford.
- Dave Barry

I realize that I'm generalizing here,
but as is often the case when I generalize,
I don't care.
- Dave Barry

The simple truth is that balding African-American men
look cool when they shave their heads,
whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.
- Dave Barry

It was Public Art, defined as art that is purchased
by experts who are not spending their own personal money.
- Dave Barry

As a child, I was more afraid of tetanus shots than,
for example, Dracula.
- Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad.
Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen,
for example, there would be no way to make water,
a vital ingredient in beer.
- Dave Barry

In 1765, Parliament passed the Stamp Act,
which, as any American high school student can tell you,
was an act that apparently had something to do with stamps.
- Dave Barry

The word user is the word used by the computer professional when they mean idiot.
- Dave Barry

Newspaper readership is declining like crazy.
In fact, there's a good chance that nobody is reading my column.
- Dave Barry

I want a pit crew...
I hate the procedure I currently have to go through
when I have car problems.
- Dave Barry

The nuclear generator of brain sludge is television.
- Dave Barry

Hobbies of any kind are boring except to people who have the same hobby.
This is also true of religion, although you will not
find me saying so in print.
- Dave Barry

The world is full of strange phenomena that cannot
be explained by the laws of logic or science.
Dennis Rodman is only one example.
- Dave Barry

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take
their shirts off during games in Chicago in January,
only more intelligent.
- Dave Barry


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