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Yeah, I read history.
by Joan Rivers

Yeah, I read history.
But it doesn't make you nice.
Hitler read history, too.
- Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers

 

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good,
until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think
in your mind that the counsel is wise.
- Joan Rivers

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else,
and we strive to swim on top.
- Joan Rivers

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
- Joan Rivers

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Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth
he forgot to cut the cord.
For a year that kid followed me everywhere.
It was like having a dog on a leash.
- Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked,
but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
- Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me.
And equal partners we will be.
- Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit,
the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
- Joan Rivers

I hate housework!
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months
later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look
like without plastic surgery.
- Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals.
She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- Joan Rivers

Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you.
For years I used to wake up my daughter and say,
'Melissa you ripped me to shreds.
Now go back to sleep.'.
- Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
- Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
- Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness,
but I always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made.
- Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
- Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
- Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house,
and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
- Joan Rivers

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life.
All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.'
For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling,
I'll consider it.
- Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
- Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness.
My audiences are my group therapy.
- Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish.
I don't work out.
If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

I don't excercise.
If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

Yeah we all shine on, like the moon,
and the stars, and the sun.
- John Lennon

Yeah I called her up. She gave me a bunch of ...
about me not listening to her, or something.
I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.
- the movie Dumb & Dumber (1994)

Yeah, we're sweet but savage, and I think a lot of Canadians are that way.
- Bruce McCulloch

Yeah, I've had the privilege to know a lot of really talented people.
- Ashley Judd

If people think I am gay, yeah, hey that doesn't bother me.
Not at all.
What would people think? To me I am such a heterosexual guy.
It doesn't even, I don't even think about it.
- Jason Priestley

Yeah I'm still writing.
I've got about 14 tracks now.
But we've been on tour so we haven't had time to get
back to a rehearsal place.
- Ville Valo

But as far as being popular, yeah, I think Dave Barry is really funny.
- Jonathan Franzen

Yeah, the first thing that comes to mind is not to try too hard.
- Leo Kottke

Yeah, I had an idea to make a very scary movie,
based on a kind of serial murderer that preys on tourists.
- Brian De Palma

Yeah, Hitman I suppose is most of the time a lighter read than Preacher;
it was always going to be.
- Garth Ennis

Yeah, I had gay friends.
The first thing I realized was that everybody's different,
and it becomes obvious that all of the gay stereotypes are ridiculous.
- Bruce Springsteen

Yeah, I definitely wanted to do a kids' movie because I have a kid.
I want to do things that my daughter can see soon -
when she is old enough to know what a movie is.
- David Arquette

Yeah.
I've been pretty fortunate to travel I guess,
all around the place.
- Ben E. King

Yeah, some of my college friends and I have been tinkering around for years,
you know, just for fun.
- Eric Roberts

Oh yeah, that's the Holy Grail, Pirates of the Caribbean.
Johnny Depp, he's the real deal, isn't he? He doesn't get the girl,
and he doesn't care.
- William H. Macy

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving,
and I call those people "the cops." But you know,
sometimes, you've just got no choice;
those kids gotta get to school!
- Dave Attell

They thought they were identifying a set of behaviours,
but yeah, they just wanted to have an answer.
- Chester Brown

When I was a kid, the idea of why I wanted acting to
be the thing I do for the rest of my life was different.
It was, Oh yeah, I'll get girls and be famous.
- Edward Furlong

Yeah, touring can get rough some times and draining,
but I always have to pinch myself and realize that I'm doing what I love.
- Jonny Lang

I am human, and, yeah, I have very bad days.
- Charlize Theron

Yeah, I'm a thrill seeker, but crikey,
education's the most important thing.
- Steve Irwin

In terms of having high hopes that the level of consciousness
will get higher and higher,
yeah.
- Anthony Kiedis

Yeah I'm thirty-six, but on the show I'm thirty-two.
Nobody wants to watch a thirty-six year old woman,
so they decided to make me thirty-two.
Much more appealing somehow.
- Ellen DeGeneres

Yeah, all those things, responsibility,
pressure.
It's a bit stressful.
I try and come to terms with it by not thinking about it.
- Joe Strummer

Yeah, well, I finally stopped smoking for good.
- Liam Neeson

Mary Gauthier's great.
Yeah, we've played a lot of gigs together.
She's really wonderful.
- Guy Clark

Yeah, I did a cameo in an upcoming movie called Constantine.
- Matthew McGrory

Yeah, that's what I'm working for.
The couture house of the future.
- John Galliano

Yeah, but in the end his followers take what they want from his philosophy.
Maybe it doesn't matter what's going on in David Icke's mind.
It's how other people take him.
- Jon Ronson

Yeah, it's fun to be somebody you're not,
to bring a character to life.
- Michael Berryman

Well, yeah, but I probably wasn't as open about my desperation.
- Edie Falco

Yeah, I spent about 20 years in a dorm room.
It took me a while to graduate.
- Douglas Wilson

We give you characters we'd feel very comfortable judging,
and then go: 'Oh yeah? Watch this'.
- Paul Haggis

I loved Billie Holiday more than any other person other
than myself on the stage.
Yeah, I do.
- Abbey Lincoln

Yeah, I think there are many other important things in life,
not just tennis.
- Daniela Hantuchova

Yeah, I'm very impressed with Lifetime,
this is the first time I've worked with them.
I really like the kind of programming that they're into,
so I'm hoping that I will.
- Beau Bridges

Rotten travesty.
Yeah.
Send me to jail for contempt.
Try that.
Go ahead.
- Jack Kevorkian


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