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If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without,
by Jeff Foxworthy

If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without,
you just might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first,
friends and family second and you third,
we won't ever have an argument.
- Jeff Foxworthy

My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning
and watches the Discovery Channel.
I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
- Jeff Foxworthy

It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
- Jeff Foxworthy

 

You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly
you're not 'professional' any more.
- Jeff Foxworthy

For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road.
We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of
experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I know God is real.
- Jeff Foxworthy

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Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I have never been jealous.
Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
- Jeff Foxworthy

People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say,
Not interested.
I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
- Jeff Foxworthy

It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St.
Bernard coming in through the cat door.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I really don't require a whole lot in life.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks...
but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
- Jeff Foxworthy

The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job.
But if you ever get sucked into doing it,
drop them off at the wrong house.
- Jeff Foxworthy

You may be a redneck if...
you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
- Jeff Foxworthy

When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile,
I think something snaps in your brain.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother -
you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure
you're not going to like it.
- Jeff Foxworthy

The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes.
He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
- Jeff Foxworthy

You may be a redneck if...
your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- Jeff Foxworthy

You might be a redneck if...
the blue book value of your truck goes up and down
depending on how much gas it has in it.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If your neighbors think you're a detective because
a cop always brings you home,
you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it,
it takes another two or three hours a day.
I don't want to give two or three more hours away.
- Jeff Foxworthy

That's the great thing about a tractor.
You can't really hear the phone ring.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent,
they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
- Jeff Foxworthy

The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Little girls love dolls.
They just don't love doll clothes.
We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them
got a stitch of clothes on.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies
unraveling and relationships unraveling.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to
get someone else to verify it?
- Jeff Foxworthy

Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip,
and they don't want to be hip.
- Jeff Foxworthy

There's no down time any more.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you've ever made change in the offering plate,
you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at
it they would have to check me for ticks at the end
of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country,
and 90 percent of the people are good folks.
The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they
all say Kool Whip on the side,
you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Find something in life that you love doing.
If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus,
and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If your working television sits on top of your non-working television,
you might be a redneck.
- Jeff Foxworthy

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
- Jeff Foxworthy

I had to perform at the White House for the president,
That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
- Jeff Foxworthy

What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought
Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
- Jeff Foxworthy

I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine
weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14.
I've got four more summers with her.
I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
- Jeff Foxworthy

My wife is so analytical with raising kids,
and I am not.
My feeling is if they turn out good,
then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it.
If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest,
craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world,
all you have to do is go to a state fair.
Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going,
'you know, we're alright.
We are dang near royalty.'
- Jeff Foxworthy

If you aren't in the moment,
you are either looking forward to uncertainty,
or back to pain and regret.
- Jim Carrey

Simply do your best, and you will avoid
self-judgment, self-abuse and regret.
- don Miguel Ruiz

Change what you see,
by changing how you see.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

People will forget what you said,
people will forget what you did,
but people will never forget
how you made them feel.
- Maya Angelou

Don't Take Anything Personally.
Nothing others do is because of you.
- Miguel Angel Ruiz (don Miguel Ruiz)

To go against the dominant thinking of your friends,
of most of the people you see every day,
is perhaps the most difficult act of heroism you can perform.
- Theodore H. White

Choose the World You See,
and See the World You Choose.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The true meaning of life is to plant trees,
under whose shade you do not expect to sit.
- Nelson Henderson

Powerful Dreams Inspire Powerful Action.
When you can taste, smell, and touch your dreams,
you can enroll the world.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The greatest mistake you can make in life
is to be continually fearing you will make one.
- Elbert Hubbard

Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Whatever you do, do with kindness.
Whatever you say, say with kindness.
Wherever you go, radiate kindness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

You don't have the power to make life "fair,"
but you do have the power to make life joyful.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is without meaning.
You bring the meaning to it.
The meaning of life is
whatever you ascribe it to be.
Being alive is the meaning.
- Joseph Campbell

Faith is taking the first step,
even when you don't see the whole staircase.
- Martin Luther King, Jr.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Laugh when you can,
apologize when you should,
and let go of what you can't change.
Life's too short to be anything... but happy.
- Anonymous

You are never too old to set another goal
or to dream a new dream.
- C. S. Lewis

Footprints in the sands of time...
Where have you been?
Where are you going?
Why are you going there?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

If you don't know where you're going,
any road will take you there.
- Lewis Carroll
(Alice in Wonderland)

The way I see it, if you want the rainbow,
you gotta put up with the rain.
- Dolly Parton

You will not be punished for your anger,
you will be punished by your anger.
- The Buddha

Believe nothing, no matter where you read it,
or who said it, no matter if I have said it,
unless it agrees with your own reason
and your own common sense.
- The Buddha

Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal
with the intent of throwing it at someone else;
you are the one who gets burned.
- The Buddha

How do you want to be remembered?
Live life full out - Begin today.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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