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Bill Maher Quotes and Sayings

I hope you find great value in these Quotes by Bill Maher from my large collection of motivational and inspirational quotes and sayings.

Suicide is man's way of telling God,
"You can't fire me -
I quit."
- Bill Maher

Related topics: Death

Jim Bakker spells his name with two k's because three would be too obvious.
- Bill Maher

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of Mad Libs.
- Bill Maher

Fame has sent a number of celebrities off the deep end,
and in the case of Michael Jackson, to the kiddy pool.
- Bill Maher

 

Clinton left the White House with all the class of an XFL halftime show.
- Bill Maher

Men are only as loyal as their options.
- Bill Maher

If you think you have it tough, read history books.
- Bill Maher

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We have the Bill of Rights.
What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.
- Bill Maher

It's all been satirized for your protection.
- Bill Maher

The tea baggers.
The one thing they hate is when you call them racist.
The other thing they hate is black people.
But they won't say it.
- Bill Maher

I think flying planes into a building was a faith-based initiative.
I think religion is a neurological disorder.
- Bill Maher

The jury could get the case as early as next week,
but the defense says they just want to introduce one
last-minute load of crap.
- Bill Maher

Religion, to me, is a bureaucracy between man and God that I don't need.
- Bill Maher

Whenever the people are for gay marriage or medical
marijuana or assisted suicide,
suddenly the "will of the people" goes out the window.
- Bill Maher

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.
- Bill Maher

Women cannot complain about men anymore until they
start getting better taste in them.
- Bill Maher

I never thought I'd say this, what Obama needs in his
personality is a little George Bush.
- Bill Maher

I do think the patriotic thing to do is to critique my country.
How else do you make a country better but by pointing out its flaws?
- Bill Maher

When you want to make it clear to the rest of the world
that you are not an imperialist,
the best countries to have with you are Britain and Spain.
- Bill Maher

Curious people are intersting people,
I wonder why that is.
- Bill Maher

Let's face it; God has a big ego problem.
Why do we always have to worship him?
- Bill Maher

This is a ridiculous heat wave we're in right now,
and to contribute, Newt Gingrich said that for the entire month of June,
he will stop blowing hot air.
- Bill Maher

They're talking about banning cigarette smoking now
in any place that's used by ten or more people in a week,
which, I guess, means that Madonna can't even smoke in bed.
- Bill Maher

Things aren't right.
If a burglar breaks into your home and you shoot him,
he can sue you.
For what, restraint of trade?
- Bill Maher

We need more people speaking out.
This country is not overrun with rebels and free thinkers.
It's overrun with sheep and conformists.
- Bill Maher

The country has become much more conservative,
partly because it's been taken over by the religious right.
- Bill Maher

Hi, I'm Bill.
I'm a birth survivor.
- Bill Maher

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays,
but straight people get more cake - you know,
to send the right message to kids.
- Bill Maher

Kids.
They're not easy.
But there has to be some penalty for sex.
- Bill Maher

What Democratic congressmen do to their women staffers,
Republican congressmen do to the country.
- Bill Maher

We are a nation that is unenlightened because of religion.
I do believe that.
I think religion stops people from thinking.
I think it justified crazies.
- Bill Maher

I think capital punishment works great.
Every killer you kill never kills again.
- Bill Maher

Iraq now says that it will, after all,
destroy its missiles.
President Bush said, 'Please, I used to pull the same trick.
There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of
pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards.'
- Bill Maher

President Bush is supporting Arnold but a lot of Republicans are not,
because he is actually quite liberal.
Karl Rove said if his father wasn't a Nazi,
he wouldn't have any credibility with conservatives at all.
- Bill Maher

To me a real patriot is like a real friend.
Who's your real friend? It's the person who tells you the truth.
That's who my real friends are.
So, you know, I think as far as our country goes,
we need more people who will do that.
- Bill Maher

This has been a learning experience for me.
I also thought that privacy was something we were granted in the Constitution.
I have learned from this when in fact the word privacy
does not appear in the Constitution.
- Bill Maher

I don't want my president to be a TV star.
You don't have to be on television every minute of every day -
you're the president,
not a rerun of 'Law & Order'.
TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too
concerned about being renewed.
- Bill Maher

We have been the cowards lobbing cruise missiles from 2,000 miles away.
That's cowardly.
Staying in the airplane when it hits the building,
say what you want about it, it's not cowardly.
- Bill Maher

A lot of good has come from drugs.
I think 'Penny Lane' is worth 10 dead kids.
Dark Side of the Moon is worth 100 dead kids.
Because a lot of kids wouldn't even be born if it weren't for that album,
so it evens out.
- Bill Maher

Maybe every other American movie shouldn't be based on a comic book.
Other countries will think Americans live in an infantile
fantasy land where reality is whatever we say it is
and every problem can be solved with violence.
- Bill Maher

The Clinton White House today said they would start
to give national security and intelligence briefings to George Bush.
I don't know how well this is working out.
Today after the first one Bush said,
'I've got one question: What color is the red phone?'
- Bill Maher

If I had no sense of humor,
I would long ago have committed suicide.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

There comes a time in every man's education
when he arrives at the conviction that envy is ignorance,
that imitation is suicide,
that he must take himself for better or for worse as his portion.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life repeats itself mindlessly -
unless you become mindful, it will go on repeating like a wheel.
That's why Buddhists call it the wheel of life and death,
the wheel of time.
It moves like a wheel: birth is followed by death,
death is followed by birth;
love is followed by hate, hate is followed by love;
success is followed by failure,
failure is followed by success. Just see!
If you can watch just for a few days,
you will see a pattern emerging, a wheel pattern.
One day, a fine morning, you are feeling so good and so happy,
and another day you are so dull,
so dead that you start thinking of committing suicide.
And just the other day you were so full of life,
so blissful that you were feeling thankful to God,
that you were in a mood of deep gratefulness,
and today there is great complaint
and you don't see the point why one should go on living...
And it goes on and on, but you don't see the pattern.
Once you see the pattern, you can get out of it.
- Osho

We might be on the brink of an apocalypse if,
instead of poor people with suicide bombs killing middle class guys,
middle-class people with suicide bombs started killing rich guys.
- Bruce Sterling

Oregon is the only state in the union that facilitates suicide.
- Maggie Gallagher

When one realizes that his life is worthless he either
commits suicide or travels.
- Edward Dahlberg

AIDS obliges people to think of sex as having,
possibly, the direst consequences: suicide.
Or murder.
- Susan Sontag

One said of suicide, As long as one has brains one
should not blow them out.
And another answered, But when one has ceased to have them,
too often one cannot.
- F. H. Bradley

On our watch, the conversation with a would-be suicide
bomber will not begin with the words,
'You have the right to remain silent.'
- Mitt Romney

One should never criticize his own work except in a fresh and hopeful mood.
The self-criticism of a tired mind is suicide.
- Charles Horton Cooley

They tell us that suicide is the greatest piece of cowardice...
that suicide is wrong; when it is quite obvious that
there is nothing in the world to which every man has
a more unassailable title than to his own life and person.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

As anyone who has been close to someone that has committed suicide knows,
there is no other pain like that felt after the incident.
- Peter Greene

Should l go on playing bridge and dining,
going in the same old monotonous circle? It's easy that way,
but it's a sort of suicide, too.
- Antoinette Perry

That's the thing about suicide.
Try as you might to remember how a person lived his life,
you always end up thinking about how he ended it.
- Anderson Cooper

I thought: This is not racing, it's a suicide mission.
- Barry Sheene

There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.
- Albert Camus

No one ever committed suicide while reading a good book,
but many have tried while trying to write one.
- Robert Byrne

I am so sick of reading about another car bomb,
another suicide bomber, another 10, 20,
30, 70, 100 people dead in a day, both Americans and Iraqis.
- Rosanne Cash

Depression is close to me, but suicide hasn't been.
- Claire Forlani

My fortune somewhat resembled that of a person who
should entertain an idea of committing suicide,
and, altogether beyond his hopes, meet with the good hap to be murdered.
- Nathaniel Hawthorne

In the final phase of cocaine intoxication,
when suicide is likely, the victim cannot save himself by an effort of will.
He has lost the power.
- Carroll O'Connor

Life is only a long and bitter suicide,
and faith alone can transform this suicide into a sacrifice.
- Franz Liszt

Never attempt to murder a man who is committing suicide.
- Woodrow Wilson

Remember, democracy never lasts long.
It soon wastes, exhausts, and murders itself.
There never was a democracy yet that did not commit suicide.
- John Adams

No law can give or take away the choice to commit suicide.
- Maggie Gallagher

Sylvia Plath was just a month and a half older than I,
and when she committed suicide I was only 30 -
and very shocked and sorry.
I never knew her personally.
- Anne Stevenson

I have a suicide impulse.
- Hal Holbrook

Some day science may have the existence of mankind in power,
and the human race can commit suicide by blowing up the world.
- Henry Brooks Adams

How do you dare to ask me for a solution? It's like
asking Seneca for a solution.
You remember what he did? He committed suicide!
- Oriana Fallaci

Fame is no sanctuary from the passing of youth...
suicide is much easier and more acceptable in Hollywood
than growing old gracefully.
- Julie Burchill


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