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Emo Philips Quotes and Sayings

I hope you find great value in these Quotes by Emo Philips from my large collection of motivational and inspirational quotes and sayings.

How many people here have telekenetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips

Related topics: Funny

I was sleeping the other night, alone,
thanks to the exterminator.
- Emo Philips

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
- Emo Philips

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.
- Emo Philips

 

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle.
Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way
so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
- Emo Philips

You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older.
Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman:
Stuff you pay good money for in later life.
- Emo Philips

I love to go down to the schoolyard and watch all the
little children jump up and down and run around yelling and screaming.
They don't know I'm only using blanks.
- Emo Philips

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My classmates would copulate with anything that moved,
but I never saw any reason to limit myself.
- Emo Philips

I discovered my wife in bed with another man,
and I was crushed.
So I said, 'Get off me, you two!'
- Emo Philips

Probably the worst time in a person's life is when
they have to kill a family member because they are the devil.
But otherwise it's been a pretty good day.
- Emo Philips

Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw
through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips

I once had a large gay following, but I ducked into
an alleyway and lost him.
- Emo Philips

I was at a bar nursing a beer.
My nipple was getting quite soggy.
- Emo Philips

You know what I hate? Indian givers...
no, I take that back.
- Emo Philips

In our school you were searched for guns and knifes
on the way in and if you didn't have any,
they gave you some.
- Emo Philips

My mother was like a sister to me, only we didn't have sex quite so often.
- Emo Philips

Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps.
- Emo Philips

Whatever happened to the good ole days,
when children worked in factories?
- Emo Philips

At my lemonade stand I used to give the first glass
away free and charge five dollars for the second glass.
The refill contained the antidote.
- Emo Philips

Probably the toughest time in anyone's life is when
you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
- Emo Philips

I asked my girlfriend, 'Will you marry me?' She said,
'We'll have to ask my father.' So we had a seance and Jack Ruby says,
'Hello!'
- Emo Philips

People always ask me, "Where were you when Kennedy was shot?" Well,
I don't have an alibi.
- Emo Philips

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool,
trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips

I go from stool to stool in singles bars hoping to get lucky,
but there's never any gum under any of them.
- Emo Philips

I'm a great lover, I'll bet.
- Emo Philips

My jokes are in my head and I have a duplicate copy
of my jokes in a lot of British comics' heads,
where they are safe.
- Emo Philips

When I wake up in the morning, I just can't get started
until I've had that first,
piping hot pot of coffee.
Oh, I've tried other enemas.
- Emo Philips

He taught me never to smile, which helps me when I visit disaster sites.
- Emo Philips

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get
them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and
beat you with a warm squash or something.
- Emo Philips

England is better only because I stand out there as 'unusual'.
- Emo Philips

Actually, my cd was released in 1985,
in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.
- Emo Philips

I love to go to the playground and watch the children jumping up and down.
They don't know I'm firing blanks.
- Emo Philips

I got some new underwear the other day.
Well, new to me.
- Emo Philips

Well, my brother says Hello.
So, hooray for speech therapy.
- Emo Philips

The way I understand it, the Russians are sort of a
combination of evil and incompetence...
sort of like the Post Office with tanks.
- Emo Philips

I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet,
and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it,
but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars,
how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.
- Emo Philips

I was with this girl the other night and from the way
she was responding to my skillful caresses,
you would have sworn that she was conscious from the
top of her head to the tag on her toes.
- Emo Philips

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy,
and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face."
I said,
"You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said,
"Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
- Emo Philips

I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains
of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is.
I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper.
- Emo Philips

CALM IN CHAOS
In the midst of the flurry - clarity.
In the midst of the storm - calm.
In the midst of divided interests - certainty.
In the many roads - a certain choice.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Truth is not defined by
how many people believe something.
Ask. Question. Think.
Decide - for yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Life is defined more by its contrasts than its samenesses;
Life is defined more by its risks than the many securities.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Celebration has many different outfits
but she always wears the same beautiful dancing shoes.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

The only good luck many great men ever had was
being born with the ability and determination to overcome bad luck.
- Channing Pollock

Too many people overvalue what they are not,
and undervalue what they are.
- Malcolm S. Forbes

Many people love in themselves what they hate in others.
- E. F. Schumacher

Many receive advice, only the wise profit from it.
- Publilius Syrus

There are as many pillows of illusion
as flakes in a snow-storm.
We wake from one dream into another dream.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

A man can fail many times,
but he isn't a failure until
he begins to blame somebody else.
- John Burroughs

In the midst of the flurry - clarity.
In the midst of the storm - calm.
In the midst of divided interests - certainty.
In the many roads - a certain choice.
- Mary Anne Radmacher

Many persons have a wrong idea of
what constitutes true happiness.
It is not attained through self-gratification
but through fidelity to a worthy purpose.
- Helen Keller

Don't give up. There are too many nay-sayers out there
who will try to discourage you.
Don't listen to them.
The only one who can make you give up is yourself.
- Sidney Sheldon

Many men go fishing all of their lives
without knowing that it is not fish they are after.
- Henry David Thoreau

Most of the luxuries, and many of the so-called comforts of life
are not only not indispensable,
but positive hindrances to the elevation of mankind.
- Henry David Thoreau

As many raindrops join to form a great river of water,
many souls join their highest intent to form
the river of evolved consciousness.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Many people allow their need
for other people's approval to control their lives.
They spend their lives worrying about what others think of them.
- Rick Warren

Many a man curses the rain that falls upon his head,
and knows not that it brings abundance
to drive away the hunger.
- Saint Basil

Many a man fails as an original thinker
simply because his memory is too good.
- Nietzsche

Many people excuse their own faults
but judge other persons harshly.
We should reverse this attitude
by excusing others' shortcomings
and by harshly examining our own.
- Paramahansa Yogananda

Cowards die many times before their deaths;
The valiant never taste of death but once.
- William Shakespeare

After climbing a great hill,
one only finds that there are many more hills to climb.
- Nelson Mandela

The fox has many tricks.
The hedgehog has but one.
But that is the best of all.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

All the great things are simple,
and many can be expressed in a single word:
freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.
- Winston Churchill

Many of life's failures are people who did not realize
how close they were to success when they gave up.
- Thomas Edison

As every divided kingdom falls,
so every mind divided between
many studies confounds and saps itself.
- Leonardo da Vinci

The chief danger in life is that you may take too many precautions.
- Alfred Adler

Many hands make light work.
- Proverb

Facts are many, but the truth is one.
- Rabindranath Tagore

And as he spoke of understanding,
I looked up and saw the rainbow leap
with flames of many colors over me.
- Black Elk

Each man's life touches so many other lives.
- It's a Wonderful Life (1946 movie)

There are not many things in life
so beautiful as true friendship,
and not many things more uncommon.
- Anonymous


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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