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Joan Rivers Quotes and Sayings

I hope you find great value in these Quotes by Joan Rivers from my large collection of motivational and inspirational quotes and sayings.

Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
- Joan Rivers

Related topics: Diet

Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
- Joan Rivers

Never floss with a stranger.
- Joan Rivers

Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else,
and we strive to swim on top.
- Joan Rivers

 

Don't follow any advice, no matter how good,
until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think
in your mind that the counsel is wise.
- Joan Rivers

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath
toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers

If God wanted us to bend over he'd put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

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Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you.
For years I used to wake up my daughter and say,
'Melissa you ripped me to shreds.
Now go back to sleep.'.
- Joan Rivers

A man can sleep around, no questions asked,
but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
- Joan Rivers

There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
- Joan Rivers

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit,
the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
- Joan Rivers

I hate housework!
You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months
later you have to start all over again.
- Joan Rivers

I don't excercise.
If God had wanted me to bend over, he would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house,
and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
- Joan Rivers

I blame my mother for my poor sex life.
All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.'
For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
- Joan Rivers

I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look
like without plastic surgery.
- Joan Rivers

The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
- Joan Rivers

I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.
- Joan Rivers

Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
- Joan Rivers

The first time I see a jogger smiling,
I'll consider it.
- Joan Rivers

My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
- Joan Rivers

People say that money is not the key to happiness,
but I always figured if you have enough money,
you can have a key made.
- Joan Rivers

She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals.
She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
- Joan Rivers

I'm Jewish.
I don't work out.
If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
- Joan Rivers

Forty for you, sixty for me.
And equal partners we will be.
- Joan Rivers

My routines come out of total unhappiness.
My audiences are my group therapy.
- Joan Rivers

I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
- Joan Rivers

My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth
he forgot to cut the cord.
For a year that kid followed me everywhere.
It was like having a dog on a leash.
- Joan Rivers

Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
- Joan Rivers

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
- Joan Rivers

Yeah, I read history.
But it doesn't make you nice.
Hitler read history, too.
- Joan Rivers

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
- Joan Rivers

It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
- Joan Rivers

It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
- Joan Rivers

I'm very girly.
I love to talk about diets, exercise,
kids, make-up.
- Rachel Hunter

I used to be hung up on my figure, but it's a waste of time.
I don't believe in diets.
Have four pints one night, be healthy the next.
- Sophie Ellis Bextor

I don't believe in fad diets.
- Jenny Craig

As for those grapefruit and buttermilk diets,
I'll take roast chicken and dumplings.
- Hattie McDaniel

I started dieting.
I dieted, dieted, dieted and tried all the diets and
I would lose and then I would go back to normal eating
and would put it on and then some.
- Suzanne Somers

I never worry about diets.
The only carrots that interest me are the number you get in a diamond.
- Mae West

They sent me to these places to get the weight off.
The diets never worked; the diets actually made it worse.
- Lisa Whelchel

Everyone would talk about their diets and working out
and what it made me do was go to craft services where
all the food for the cast and crew was and I would eat.
- Kristin Davis

I feel about airplanes the way I feel about diets.
It seems to me that they are wonderful things for other people to go on.
- Jean Kerr

I have been on diets that were supervised by doctors,
that were carefully supervised where I lost weight.
- Roberta Flack

To many, Homer may appear lazy and a loser,
but he's just much misguided.
He's boorish, sure, but well meaning and,
I guess, the one thing we have in common is the pursuit of lousy diets.
- Dan Castellaneta

Do not suppose, however, that I intend to urge a diet of classics on anybody.
I have seen such diets at work.
I have known people who have actually read all,
or almost all, the guaranteed Hundred Best Books.
God save us from reading nothing but the best.
- Robertson Davies

We help people to begin truly healthful diets,
and it is absolutely wonderful to see,
not only their success, but also their delight at their
ability to break old habits and feel really healthy for a change.
- Neal Barnard

It is vital that we provide North Dakota's children
with nutritionally sound diets.
That means ensuring that they are getting plenty of
fresh fruits and vegetables,
and are developing good eating habits for their future.
- Kent Conrad

I've always been a very outdoors sort of girl.
I'm more a tomboy than a girly girl.
- Yvonne Strahovski

I love pink, it's so girly!
- Ashley Tisdale

When I found out I got this job, I cried,
of course - I'm a girly-girl - and then I called my dad,
and he cried, too.
On so many levels, this is a thrill for me.
- Lisa Guerrero

I don't like to look sloppy.
I'm a girly-girl.
- Frances Bean Cobain

If Michael Steele doesn't make you sad,
well, then there's radio host Rush Limbaugh,
no longer content with wanting the President to fail,
Rush is now calling out Mr. Obama as a girly man.
- David Shuster

The world is perfect. It's a mess.
It has always been a mess.
We are not going to change it.
Our job is to straighten out our own lives.
- Joseph Campbell

Footprints in the sands of time...
Where have you been?
Where are you going?
Why are you going there?
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

For all sad words of tongue and pen,
The saddest are these, "It might have been.
- John Greenleaf Whittier

Sing like no one's listening,
love like you've never been hurt,
dance like nobody's watching,
and live like its heaven on earth.
- Mark Twain

Anger is a killing thing:
it kills the man who angers,
for each rage leaves him less than he had been before -
it takes something from him.
- Louis L'Amour

Love like you've never been hurt,
dance like no one is watching,
live as though heaven is on earth.
- Satchel Paige

My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne

Most of the important things in the world
have been accomplished by people
who have kept on trying
when there seemed to be no hope at all.
- Dale Carnegie

Calm provides clarity. Pause to consider
the gifts you have been given,
the difference you have made
and the direction in which you are headed.
- Anonymous

Re-examine all that you have been told...
dismiss that which insults your soul.
- Walt Whitman

Education is what survives when
what has been learned has been forgotten.
- B. F. Skinner

Ever has it been that love knows not its own depth
until the hour of separation.
- Khalil Gibran

It is never too late to become what you might have been.
- George Eliot

Nothing splendid has ever been achieved except by those who dared
believe that something inside of them was superior to circumstance.
- Bruce Barton

I have always been regretting that
I was not as wise as the day I was born.
- Henry David Thoreau

To have done anything just for money
is to have been truly idle.
- Henry David Thoreau

The highest thinkers of the ages,
the seers of the tribes and the nations,
have been optimists.
- Helen Keller

All life is change.
Release your attachment to the way things have been,
and wend your way joyfully
through life's unfolding majesty.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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