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Mitch Hedberg Quotes and Sayings

I hope you find great value in these Quotes by Mitch Hedberg from my large collection of motivational and inspirational quotes and sayings.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg

Related topics: Funny

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.
- Mitch Hedberg

I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one.
So I got a cake.
- Mitch Hedberg

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.
- Mitch Hedberg

 

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.
- Mitch Hedberg

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.
- Mitch Hedberg

I like refried beans.
That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're
just as good and we're just wasting time.
You don't have to fry them again after all.
- Mitch Hedberg

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An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs.
You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign,
just Escalator Temporarily Stairs.
Sorry for the convenience.
- Mitch Hedberg

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens
and I got sick of not caring.
- Mitch Hedberg

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.
- Mitch Hedberg

I like to play blackjack.
I'm not addicted to gambling.
I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.
- Mitch Hedberg

If carrots got you drunk, rabbits would be messed-up.
- Mitch Hedberg

I wish I could play little league now.
I'd be way better than before.
- Mitch Hedberg

I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars,
and the glass in front is a magnifying glass.
You'll be mad, but it will be too late.
- Mitch Hedberg

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud
8? That joke came off the top of my head,
and the top of my head ain't funny!
- Mitch Hedberg

Spaghetti...
I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them.
No matter how hungry I am, 1000 of something is too many.
I'll have 1000 pieces of noodles.
- Mitch Hedberg

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good,
and make a cart.
- Mitch Hedberg

It's weird...
people say they're not like apes.
Now how do you explain football then?
- Mitch Hedberg

This shirt is dry clean only.
Which means...
it's dirty.
- Mitch Hedberg

My friend asked me if I wanted a frozen banana.
I said 'No, but I want a regular banana later,
so...
yeah.'
- Mitch Hedberg

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get,
I'll never be as good as a wall.
- Mitch Hedberg

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!
- Mitch Hedberg

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They
catch the fish and then let it go.
They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to
make it late for something.
- Mitch Hedberg

I love blackjack.
But I'm not addicted to gambling.
I'm addicted to sitting in a semi circle.
- Mitch Hedberg

I know a lot about cars, man.
I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.
- Mitch Hedberg

I don't have a girlfriend.
But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.
- Mitch Hedberg

I'm a heroine addict.
I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.
- Mitch Hedberg

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.
- Mitch Hedberg

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people
would misspell my name and call me Brain.
That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.
- Mitch Hedberg

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
- Mitch Hedberg

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time...
and last night, all those people were at my show.
- Mitch Hedberg

I used to be a hot-tar roofer.
Yeah, I remember that...
day.
- Mitch Hedberg

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone
else on the planet shaving.
So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'
- Mitch Hedberg

People teach their dogs to sit; it's a trick.
I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never
looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.
- Mitch Hedberg

I remixed a remix, it was back to normal.
- Mitch Hedberg

I'm sick of following my dreams.
I'm just going to ask them where they're goin',
and hook up with them later.
- Mitch Hedberg

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying
here you throw this away.
- Mitch Hedberg

Dogs are forever in the push up postion.
- Mitch Hedberg

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.
- Mitch Hedberg

I like to hold the microphone cord like this,
I pinch it together, then I let it go,
then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.
- Mitch Hedberg

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks.
And it was way to literal for me.
- Mitch Hedberg

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as
I go? I am sorry to disillusion you.
I am not Robin Williams.
I am the king of the pen.
- Mitch Hedberg

I used to do drugs.
I still do drugs.
But I used to, too.
- Mitch Hedberg

I recently took up ice sculpting.
Last night I made an ice cube.
This morning I made 12, I was prolific.
- Mitch Hedberg

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus?
- Mitch Hedberg

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.
- Mitch Hedberg

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it.
She does live in a trailer.
She got halfway.
She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
- Mitch Hedberg

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy,
all day.
Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak
midget trying to bring you down.
- Mitch Hedberg

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.
- Mitch Hedberg

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work.
I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble,
but as soon as the gum lost its flavor,
I was back to pondering my mortality.
- Mitch Hedberg

It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know
because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
- Mitch Hedberg

My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up.
I don't really know what's happening down there.
Who is the real hero?
- Mitch Hedberg

I'm gonna fix that last joke by taking out all the
words and adding new ones.
- Mitch Hedberg

I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- Mitch Hedberg

I saw a human pyramid once.
It was very unnecessary.
- Mitch Hedberg

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
- Mitch Hedberg

I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code,
a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
- Mitch Hedberg

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat
two thousand of something.
- Mitch Hedberg

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.
- Mitch Hedberg

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
- Mitch Hedberg

I was at this casino minding my own business,
and this guy came up to me and said,
"You're gonna have to move,
you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire,
I wasn't gonna run.
If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
- Mitch Hedberg

I drank the silence of God from a spring in the woods.
- Georg Trakl

I slept with faith and found a corpse in my arms on awakening;
I drank and danced all night with doubt and found her a virgin in the morning.
- Aleister Crowley

I had a lousy marriage and I drank too much.
- Pat Travers

The secret is to cook the aubergines the day before
and let them dry of all the oil they drank in cooking.
When you cook aubergine, they eat a lot of oil.
It can be very heavy.
- Nana Mouskouri

I was so delirious that I drank a glass of water,
thought it wine and got glorious drunk.
- Will M. Cook

We sat here during Irene in '99 with the back door open.
We drank and watched all the stuff fly by.
- John Harrison

I have fed purely upon ale; I have eat my ale,
drank my ale, and I always sleep upon ale.
- George Farquhar

By then I was in Brooklyn and drank my way through that summer.
I stopped when I got sick of that and got a job at the Strand bookstore,
which was a little better than the tax job.
- Robert Quine

When I drank, I had a very different attitude towards my playing.
It was sloppier but I kind of liked it that way.
It was like the alcohol was telling my mind what to do.
- Mick Mars

I only drank for three years of my life,
but I drank enough in those three years to last me the rest of my life...
It's a religious thing.
- Marty Robbins


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