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Rodney Dangerfield Quotes and Sayings

I hope you find great value in these Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield from my large collection of motivational and inspirational quotes and sayings.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Related topics: Pet

I found there was only one way to look thin:
hang out with fat people.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
- Rodney Dangerfield

 

It's tough to stay married.
My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I haven't spoken to my wife in years.
I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield

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I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow.
he told me to wear a brown tie.
- Rodney Dangerfield

A girl phoned me the other day and said...
'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over.
Nobody was home.
- Rodney Dangerfield

With my wife I don't get no respect.
I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.'
The waiter joined me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me.
He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
- Rodney Dangerfield

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I could tell my parents hated me.
My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice -
I don't know if I'm coming or going.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah,
my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
- Rodney Dangerfield

One year they asked me to be poster boy -
for birth control.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Yeah, I know I'm ugly...
I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.'
He said 'God beat me to it.'
- Rodney Dangerfield

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life.
In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
- Rodney Dangerfield

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope.
He wants to reform the world.
When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world,
but he know he can't.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife the truth.
I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist.
Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist,
two plumbers, and a bartender.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I saved a girl from being attacked last night.
I controlled myself.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife is always trying to get rid of me.
The other day she told me to put the garbage out.
I said to her I already did.
She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
- Rodney Dangerfield

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart,
we take separate vacations - we're doing everything
we can to keep our marriage together.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a
piece of my finger to my father.
He said he wanted more proof.
- Rodney Dangerfield

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear
the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Life is just a bowl of pits.
- Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot,
but I always found them.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I have good looking kids.
Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous.
The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap.
He was in the electric chair.
- Rodney Dangerfield

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the
bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Acting deals with very delicate emotions.
It is not putting up a mask.
Each time an actor acts he does not hide;
he exposes himself.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion.
He said okay, you're ugly too.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife was afraid of the dark...
then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
- Rodney Dangerfield

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I came from a real tough neighborhood.
I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Some dog I got too.
We call him Egypt.
Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee.
Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My wife and I were happy for 20 years.
Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield

With me, nothing goes right.
My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night.
Now, we'll never see each other!
- Rodney Dangerfield

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I drink too much.
The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out
that Big Ben was a clock.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I get no respect.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
- Rodney Dangerfield

I had plenty of pimples as a kid.
One day I fell asleep in the library.
When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
- Rodney Dangerfield

It's not the size of the dog in the fight,
it's the size of the fight in the dog.
- Mark Twain

Every dog has his day.
- Proverb

A dog is not considered a good dog because he is a good barker.
A man is not considered a good man because he is a good talker.
- The Buddha

Make a conscious choice to live
a serene and stress-free life.
Stress is always waiting just outside your door
like a vicious wild-dog.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Stress is always waiting
just outside your door
like a vicious wild-dog.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

How many legs does a dog have
if you call the tail a leg? Four.
Calling a tail a leg doesn't make it a leg.
- Abraham Lincoln

Let your sympathies and your compassion
be always with the under dog in the fight -
this is magnanimity;
but bet on the other one - this is business.
- Mark Twain

If a dog jumps into your lap, it is because he is fond of you;
but if a cat does the same thing,
it is because your lap is warmer.
- Alfred North Whitehead

The dog is the god of frolic.
- Henry Ward Beecher

I'm French, so I'm quite lazy about exercising,
and I smoke.
But I do love going for a run in the morning with my dog.
That's all.
- Eva Green

Do you know how many calories are in butter and cheese
and ice cream? Would you get your dog up in the morning
for a cup of coffee and a donut?
- Jack LaLanne

Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers

Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.
- Austin O'Malley

Many who have spent a lifetime in it can tell us less
of love than the child that lost a dog yesterday.
- Thornton Wilder

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.
- Jay London

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet -
so we bought a dog.
Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
- Rita Rudner

Some days you're the dog,
and some days you're the hydrant.
- Anonymous


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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