Search my Quotes DataBase - Enter one or two keywords and/or author last name.

Hint: keep it simple, like life twain




Facebook share   Tweet This   Email this

Daily Inspiration - Quotes to Live By
Inspiration  |  Motivational Articles  |  Being Strong  |  Being Positive  |  Links  |  About
Topics:   A-   B-   Ca-   Co-   D-   E-   F-   G-   H-    I-    J-K-L   M-   N-O   Pa-   Pr-   Q-R   Sa-   Sk-   T-   U-V-W-X-Y-Z

Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings

I hope you find great value in these Quotes by Steven Wright from my large collection of motivational and inspirational quotes and sayings.

I poured spot remover on my dog.
Now he's gone.
- Steven Wright

Related topics: Pet

I remember when the candle shop burned down.
Everyone stood around singing 'Happy Birthday.'
- Steven Wright

I had to stop driving my car for a while...
the tires got dizzy.
- Steven Wright

Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
- Steven Wright

 

A lot of people are afraid of heights.
Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright

I was reading the dictionary.
I thought it was a poem about everything.
- Steven Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
- Steven Wright

Please sign-up for my Free Inspirational Daily Email on the form below.

Sign-up for your free subscription to my Daily Inspiration - Daily Quote email.

Your E-Mail Address:
Your Name:

To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.

Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.


I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights.
I hit the gas, people behind me stop,
and I'm gone.
- Steven Wright

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...
I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
- Steven Wright

I intend to live forever.
So far, so good.
- Steven Wright

Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
- Steven Wright

I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck,
but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
- Steven Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights,
so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
- Steven Wright

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.
- Steven Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
- Steven Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money.
They said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
- Steven Wright

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and
arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
- Steven Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me,
"Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
- Steven Wright

If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs,
was it a joke?
- Steven Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.
- Steven Wright

I wrote a few children's books...
not on purpose.
- Steven Wright

My friend has a baby.
I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
- Steven Wright

I play the harmonica.
The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast,
and stick it out the window.
- Steven Wright

You can't have everything.
Where would you put it?
- Steven Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
- Steven Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge...
you can't hear him talk.
- Steven Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
- Steven Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
- Steven Wright

I had a friend who was a clown.
When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
- Steven Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.
- Steven Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
- Steven Wright

What a nice night for an evening.
- Steven Wright

Sponges grow in the ocean.
That just kills me.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be if that didn't happen.
- Steven Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
- Steven Wright

I have an answering machine in my car.
It says, I'm home now.
But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
- Steven Wright

So, do you live around here often?
- Steven Wright

I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking,"
but I don't have that much time.
- Steven Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
- Steven Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy,
Do you have any toy train schedules?
- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali.
He was using a dotted line.
He caught every other fish.
- Steven Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's.
She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
- Steven Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
- Steven Wright

Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time.
- Steven Wright

I stayed in a really old hotel last night.
They sent me a wake-up letter.
- Steven Wright

What's another word for Thesaurus?
- Steven Wright

If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light,
and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?
- Steven Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada,
they asked if I had any firearms with me.
I said, "Well, what do you need?"
- Steven Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box.
It was a quicksand box.
I was an only child...
eventually.
- Steven Wright

I installed a skylight in my apartment...
the people who live above me are furious!
- Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time".
So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Steven Wright

How young can you die of old age?
- Steven Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
- Steven Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end.
I'm not sure how I got there.
- Steven Wright

I have an existential map.
It has 'You are here' written all over it.
- Steven Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather.
It moved to Alaska.
Now Santa Claus is missing.
- Steven Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway...
he can't get out.
- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing
on the shore like an idiot.
- Steven Wright

Do you think that when they asked George Washington
for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
- Steven Wright

I have the world's largest collection of seashells.
I keep it on all the beaches of the world...
perhaps you've seen it.
- Steven Wright

I had some eyeglasses.
I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
- Steven Wright

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.
- Steven Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if
they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
- Steven Wright

My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
- Steven Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive,
but only for a second.
- Steven Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
- Steven Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
- Steven Wright

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled,
how would we know?
- Steven Wright

I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.
- Steven Wright

I'm writing a book.
I've got the page numbers done.
- Steven Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth,
then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
- Steven Wright


Quotes and Sayings

---------


Thank you for visiting: Steven Wright Quotes and Sayings.

Please sign up on the form below to receive
my Free Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes email.

You can also search my large collection of Quotes and Sayings.

May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


Sign-up to receive Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes
free via email

Daily inspirational quotes and motivational messages of self-worth, choice,
positive attitude, happiness, forgiveness, and gratitude.
Inspiring motivational sayings plus Jonathan's insights into life,
relationships, and joyful living.

Enter Your E-Mail Address:
Enter Your Name (what you want to be called):
To confirm your subscription, you must click on a link in the email being sent to you.
Each email contains an unsubscribe link. We will NEVER sell, rent, loan, or abuse your email address in ANY way.

Or Subscribe to the Feedburner feed for Daily Inspiration - Daily Quotes.



All materials & writings are copyright ©. You may read about our disclaimer, our privacy policy, our copyright policy, terms of use, participation in affiliate programs, and the list of all our websites.