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Funny Marriage Quotes

I hope you find great value in these Funny Marriage Quotes from my large collection of inspirational and motivational quotes and sayings.

Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand

Related topics: Funny Marriage

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man
take which course he will,
he will be sure to repent.
- Socrates

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer

 

Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus

The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous

I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous

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There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau

Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken

Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West

I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash

There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer

Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)

They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous

One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx

He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron

Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous

Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous

There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous

A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]

One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin

I like marriage.
The idea.
- Toni Morrison

Brought up to respect the conventions,
love had to end in marriage.
I'm afraid it did.
- Bette Davis

Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl

Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci

Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill

The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine

When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland

Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West

Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin

Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire

Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous

In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland

A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler

You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche

I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase

It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln

Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken

Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde

In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Rita Rudner

(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous

It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about,
he goes off and gets married.
- Robert Frost

A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous

Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer

Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar

You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill

Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde

Laugh Loud - Laugh Often
Laugh At What's Funny - Laugh At What's Sad
Laugh At Me - Laugh At You - Laugh At Life
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw


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