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Phyllis Diller Quotes and Sayings

I hope you find great value in these Quotes by Phyllis Diller from my large collection of motivational and inspirational quotes and sayings.

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

Related topics: Cute Whimsey Funny

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Phyllis Diller

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

 

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account,
my scenic checks show a ghetto.
- Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
- Phyllis Diller

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Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
- Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11
of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -
they just look like me.
- Phyllis Diller

Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said,
'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -
as your beauty fades,
so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?
- Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is
looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head
down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
- Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -
keep away from children.
- Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband,
Fang.
How about short and cheap?
- Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down
is so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the
ones who will choose your rest home.
- Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
- Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep,
or I'd be rotten to the core.
- Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
- Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know
what a millionaire looked like.
- Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was
to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out.
I was in his room.
- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast.
Turned out to be a trick knee.
- Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,
a bank has just been robbed.
- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:
Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration:
set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,
cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell,
simmer down and go about business as usual.
- Phyllis Diller

Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
"I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

And in the end, it's not
the years in your life that count,
it's the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

It is never too late to become what you might have been.
- George Eliot

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau

Life is to be taken lightly
by those who wish to be happy
and by those who wish to age gracefully.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Dreams are renewable no matter what our age.
- Dale Turner

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
- Helen Keller

The golden age is before us, not behind us.
- William Shakespeare

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
Mere tolerance has given place to a sentiment of brotherhood
between sincere men of all denominations.
- Helen Keller

Keep courage. Whatever you do,
do not feel sorry for yourself.
You will win in a great age of opportunity.
- Richard L. Evans

Age does not protect you from love.
But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
- Anais Nin

Habits age men before their time.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The youth gets together his materials
to build a bridge to the moon,
or, perchance, a palace or temple on the earth,
and, at length, the middle-aged man
concludes to build a woodshed with them.
- Henry David Thoreau

To resist the frigidity of old age, one must combine the body,
the mind, and the heart.
And to keep these in parallel vigor one must exercise,
study, and love.
- Alan Bleasdale

The really frightening thing about middle age is the
knowledge that you'll grow out of it.
- Doris Day

Every formula of every religion has, in this age of reason,
to submit to the acid test of reason and universal assent.
- Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi

When you become senile, you won't know it.
- Bill Cosby

Bashfulness is an ornament to youth,
but a reproach to old age.
- Aristotle

Old age is an excellent time for outrage.
My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.
- Louis Kronenberger

Middle age is the awkward period when Father Time starts
catching up with Mother Nature.
- Harold Coffin

Age is an issue of mind over matter.
If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
- Mark Twain

Age is not a particularly interesting subject.
Anyone can get old.
All you have to do is live long enough.
- Don Marquis

Age considers; youth ventures.
- Rabindranath Tagore

Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle.
- Bob Hope

Old age is the most unexpected of all the things that can happen to a man.
- James Thurber

Old age is a shipwreck.
- Charles de Gaulle

Old age is like everything else.
To make a success of it, you've got to start young.
- Theodore Roosevelt

Old age is no place for sissies.
- Bette Davis

Preparation for old age should begin not later than one's teens.
A life which is empty of purpose until 65 will not
suddenly become filled on retirement.
- Dwight L. Moody

I'm saving that rocker for the day
when I feel as old as I really am.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

Middle age is youth without levity, and age without decay.
- Doris Day

In old age we are like a batch of letters that someone has sent.
We are no longer in the past, we have arrived.
- Knut Hamsun

You end up as you deserve.
In old age you must put up with the face,
the friends, the health, and the children you have earned.
- Judith Viorst


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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