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I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do. ...
by Phyllis Diller

I'm at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
- Phyllis Diller

Related topics: Cute Whimsey Funny

A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
- Phyllis Diller

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
- Phyllis Diller

Most children threaten at times to run away from home.
This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
- Phyllis Diller

 

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller

Always be nice to your children because they are the
ones who will choose your rest home.
- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
- Phyllis Diller

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Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
- Phyllis Diller

Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
- Phyllis Diller

My photographs don't do me justice -
they just look like me.
- Phyllis Diller

Our dog died from licking our wedding picture.
- Phyllis Diller

Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age -
as your beauty fades,
so will his eyesight.
- Phyllis Diller

There's so little money in my bank account,
my scenic checks show a ghetto.
- Phyllis Diller

Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle -
keep away from children.
- Phyllis Diller

I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford.
Then I want to move in with them.
- Phyllis Diller

The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head
down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
- Phyllis Diller

The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down
is so you can't see him laughing.
- Phyllis Diller

The reason women don't play football is because 11
of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
- Phyllis Diller

My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was
to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
- Phyllis Diller

I buried a lot of my ironing in the back yard.
- Phyllis Diller

You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
- Phyllis Diller

It's a good thing that beauty is only skin deep,
or I'd be rotten to the core.
- Phyllis Diller

Burt Reynolds once asked me out.
I was in his room.
- Phyllis Diller

Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument,
a bank has just been robbed.
- Phyllis Diller

My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast.
Turned out to be a trick knee.
- Phyllis Diller

I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said,
'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
- Phyllis Diller

What I don't like about office Christmas parties is
looking for a job the next day.
- Phyllis Diller

If it weren't for baseball, many kids wouldn't know
what a millionaire looked like.
- Phyllis Diller

I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
- Phyllis Diller

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
- Phyllis Diller

Best way to get rid of kitchen odors:
Eat out.
- Phyllis Diller

I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive.
My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
- Phyllis Diller

I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband,
Fang.
How about short and cheap?
- Phyllis Diller

A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
- Phyllis Diller

We spend the first twelve months of our children's
lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve
telling them to sit down and shut up.
- Phyllis Diller

There's a new medical crisis.
Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic
reactions to latex condoms.
They say they cause severe swelling.
So what's the problem?
- Phyllis Diller

Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing
up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
- Phyllis Diller

My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration:
set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes,
cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell,
simmer down and go about business as usual.
- Phyllis Diller

Self-respect is not a function of size, age, or wealth.
Breathe deep, sing loud and sweet,
"I am me, I am unique, I am magnificent."
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

None are so old as those who have outlived enthusiasm.
- Henry David Thoreau

And in the end, it's not
the years in your life that count,
it's the life in your years.
- Abraham Lincoln

It is never too late to become what you might have been.
- George Eliot

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
- Helen Keller

Age does not protect you from love.
But love, to some extent, protects you from age.
- Anais Nin

Life is to be taken lightly
by those who wish to be happy
and by those who wish to age gracefully.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.
Mere tolerance has given place to a sentiment of brotherhood
between sincere men of all denominations.
- Helen Keller

Dreams are renewable no matter what our age.
- Dale Turner

The golden age is before us, not behind us.
- William Shakespeare

Habits age men before their time.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Keep courage. Whatever you do,
do not feel sorry for yourself.
You will win in a great age of opportunity.
- Richard L. Evans

In youth the days are short and the years are long.
In old age the years are short and day's long.
- Pope Paul VI

The tendency of old age to the body,
say the physiologists,
is to form bone.
It is as rare as it is pleasant to meet with an old
man whose opinions are not ossified.
- Bob Wells

Advice in old age is foolish; for what can be more
absurd than to increase our provisions for the road
the nearer we approach to our journey's end.
- Marcus Tullius Cicero

We will not be driven by fear into an age of unreason
if we dig deep in our history and remember
that we are not descended from fearful men,
not from men who feared to write, to speak,
to associate and to defend causes
which were for the moment unpopular.
- Edward R. Murrow

Forty is the old age of youth, fifty is the youth of old age.
- Hosea Ballou

Old age, believe me, is a good and pleasant thing.
It is true you are gently shouldered off the stage,
but then you are given such a comfortable front stall as spectator.
- Confucius

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
- Tom Stoppard

To resist the frigidity of old age, one must combine the body,
the mind, and the heart.
And to keep these in parallel vigor one must exercise,
study, and love.
- Alan Bleasdale

I don't believe one grows older.
I think that what happens early on in life is that
at a certain age one stands still and stagnates.
- T. S. Eliot

Old age is an excellent time for outrage.
My goal is to say or do at least one outrageous thing every week.
- Louis Kronenberger

A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's
birthday but never remembers her age.
- Robert Frost

He has a profound respect for old age.
Especially when it's bottled.
- Gene Fowler

Those who love deeply never grow old;
they may die of old age,
but they die young.
- Dorothy Canfield Fisher

I will never be an old man.
To me, old age is always 15 years older than I am.
- Francis Bacon

Middle age is the time when a man is always thinking
that in a week or two he will feel as good as ever.
- Don Marquis

When you become senile, you won't know it.
- Bill Cosby

Age is not a particularly interesting subject.
Anyone can get old.
All you have to do is live long enough.
- Don Marquis

How incessant and great are the ills with which a prolonged old age is replete.
- C. S. Lewis

Age is how we determine how valuable you are.
- Jane Elliot

Age considers; youth ventures.
- Rabindranath Tagore

I'm saving that rocker for the day
when I feel as old as I really am.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower


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