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Woody Allen Quotes and Sayings

I hope you find great value in these Quotes by Woody Allen from my large collection of motivational and inspirational quotes and sayings.

Life ... full of loneliness, and misery,
and suffering, and unhappiness,
and it's all over much too quickly.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Related topics: Cynical Funny Sad Feeling-Down Movie Life

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have,
instead of what you don't have.
- Woody Allen

Eighty percent of success is showing up.
- Woody Allen

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

 

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.
- Woody Allen

All people know the same truth.
Our lives consist of how we chose to distort it.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

I have a very low threshold of death.
My doctor says I can't have bullets enter my body at any time.
- the Woody Allen movie Casino Royale

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I'm going to go in the bathroom and scream.
I'll be out in a minute.
- the Woody Allen movie What's New Pussycat

There's nothing wrong with being afraid.
We were meant to be afraid.
- the Woody Allen movie Anything Else

I've become the person I've always hated, but I'm happier.
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

I was thrown out of N.Y.U. my freshman year
for cheating on my metaphysics final ...
I looked within the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen

If my films don't show a profit, I know I'm doing something right.
- Woody Allen

A relationship, I think, is like a shark.
You know? It has to constantly move forward or it dies.
And I think what we got on our hands is a dead shark.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall (1977)

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage
is being able to make a right turn on a red light.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I don't believe in the after life,
although I am bringing a change of underwear.
- Woody Allen

If my films make one more person miserable,
I'll feel I have done my job.
- Woody Allen

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,'
probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
- Woody Allen

Life's like Vegas. You're up, you're down,
but in the end the house always wins.
Doesn't mean you didn't have fun.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You have to learn to push the guilt
under the rug and move on,
otherwise it overwhelms you.
- the Woody Allen movie Match Point

The most important words in the English language
are not "I love you" but "It's benign."
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

You want to do mankind a real service?
Tell funnier jokes.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories (1980)

I am two with nature.
- Woody Allen

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen

I will not eat oysters.
I want my food dead.
Not sick.
Not wounded.
Dead.
- Woody Allen

You have no values. With you its all nihilism,
cynicism, sarcasm, and orgasm.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Money is better than poverty,
if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen

I'm awash in self-contempt!
- the Woody Allen movie Celebrity

The lion and the calf shall lie down together,
but the calf won't get much sleep.
- Woody Allen

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists?
In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
- Woody Allen

I think you're the opposite of a paranoid.
I think you go around with the insane delusion that people like you.
- the Woody Allen movie Deconstructing Harry

Why does man kill? He kills for food.
And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen

The food at this place is really terrible ...
and such small portions.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

I failed to make the chess team because of my height.
- Woody Allen

Basically my wife was immature.
I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
- Woody Allen

To you I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition.
- the Woody Allen movie Stardust Memories

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.
- Woody Allen

When we played softball, I'd steal second base,
feel guilty and go back.
- Woody Allen

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
- Woody Allen

Who bothers to cook TV dinners? I suck them frozen.
- Woody Allen

Some guy hit my fender, and I told him,
'Be fruitful and multiply,' but not in those words.
- Woody Allen

I believe there is something out there watching us.
Unfortunately, it's the government.
- Woody Allen

Sex without love is a meaningless experience,
but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
- Woody Allen

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe
when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
- Woody Allen

I ran into Isosceles.
He had a great idea for a new triangle!
- Woody Allen

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.
- Woody Allen

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely.
Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes,
comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.
- Woody Allen

I have bad reflexes.
I was once run over by a car being pushed by two guys.
- Woody Allen

When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action.
They rented out my room.
- Woody Allen

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
- Woody Allen

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes.
It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen

Students achieving Oneness will move on to Twoness.
- Woody Allen

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
- Woody Allen

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.
- Woody Allen

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion
dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
- Woody Allen

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
- Woody Allen

I don't think my parents liked me.
They put a live teddy bear in my crib.
- Woody Allen

I have a very pessimistic view of life.
You should know this about me if we're gonna go out.
You know, I - I feel that life is -
is divided up into the horrible and the miserable.
Those are the two categories, you know.
The - the horrible would be like, um,
I don't know, terminal cases, you know,
and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life.
It's amazing to me. You know, and the miserable is everyone else.
That's - that's - so - so - when you go through life -
you should be thankful that you're miserable
because you're very lucky to be miserable.
- the Woody Allen movie Annie Hall

In Beverly Hills...
they don't throw their garbage away.
They make it into television shows.
- Woody Allen

Most of the time I don't have much fun.
The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
- Woody Allen

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile,
but that would be beating a dead horse.
- Woody Allen

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work.
I want to achieve it through not dying.
- Woody Allen

I don't have to 'freedom-kiss' my wife when what I
really want to do is French-kiss her.
- Woody Allen

Marriage is the death of hope.
- Woody Allen

Right now it's only a notion, but I think I can get
the money to make it into a concept,
and later turn it into an idea.
- Woody Allen

There are worse things in life than death.
Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people.
The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed
to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body,
only the body has more fun.
- Woody Allen

His lack of education is more than compensated for
by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.
- Woody Allen

Harvard makes mistakes too, you know.
Kissinger taught there.
- Woody Allen


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