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I think men who have a pierced ear
by Rita Rudner

I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Related topics: Cynical Funny Marriage

I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner PHOTO

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage -
they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner

 

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed
that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
- Rita Rudner

I want to have children, but my friends scare me.
One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours.
I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.
- Rita Rudner

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet -
so we bought a dog.
Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
- Rita Rudner

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I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child.
We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.
- Rita Rudner

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love.
I'd stepped in it a few times.
- Rita Rudner

Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner

When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner

My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.
- Rita Rudner

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
- Rita Rudner

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly
want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle
of the night and fall in.
- Rita Rudner

They usually have two tellers in my local bank,
except when it's very busy, when they have one.
- Rita Rudner

My mother buried three husbands - and two of them were only napping.
- Rita Rudner

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom,
it was that no one would tell me where it was.
- Rita Rudner

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
- Rita Rudner

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country.
But he won't get a bikini wax.
- Rita Rudner

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen.
Women reach theirs at thirty-five.
Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?
- Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich.
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity.
That's how rich I want to be.
- Rita Rudner

I don't plan to grow old gracefully.
I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
- Rita Rudner

I know I want to have children while my parents are
still young enough to take care of them.
- Rita Rudner

The time you spend grieving over a man should never
exceed the amount of time you actually spent with him.
- Rita Rudner

To attract men, I wear a perfume called "New Car Interior."
- Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they
always say the same thing:
'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
- Rita Rudner

It's so great to find that one special person you want
to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid.
Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large
breasts makes men stupid.
- Rita Rudner

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle.
It wasn't mine.
- Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace.
It's fake.
I requested fake.
Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age,
I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
- Rita Rudner

The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said:
If we're going to charge $10 an hour,
we can't call it Jumping up and down.
- Rita Rudner

My grandmother was a very tough woman.
She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.
- Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after,
my mother's tasted better the day before.
- Rita Rudner

I love to shop after a bad relationship.
I don't know. I buy a new outfit
and it makes me feel better. It just does.
Sometimes I see a really great outfit,
I'll break up with someone on purpose.
- Rita Rudner

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them.
My mother cleans them.
- Rita Rudner

What we think, we become.
All that we are arises with our thoughts.
With our thoughts, we make the world.
- The Buddha

To know yet to think that one does not know is best;
Not to know yet to think that one knows
will lead to difficulty.
- Lao Tzu

Life is as easy or as hard as you think it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Every thought we think is creating our future.
- Louise L. Hay

If I feel depressed I will sing.
If I feel sad I will laugh.
If I feel ill I will double my labor.
If I feel fear I will plunge ahead.
If I feel inferior I will wear new garments.
If I feel uncertain I will raise my voice.
If I feel poverty I will think of wealth to come.
If I feel incompetent I will think of past success.
If I feel insignificant I will remember my goals.
Today I will be the master of my emotions.
- Og Mandino

It isn't what you have, or who you are, or where you are,
or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy.
It is what you think about.
- Dale Carnegie

I don't think of all the misery
but of the beauty that still remains.
- Anne Frank

People should think things out fresh
and not just accept conventional terms
and the conventional way of doing things.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

Tolerance is the first principle of community;
it is the spirit which conserves
the best that all men think.
- Helen Keller

Truth is not defined by
how many people believe something.
Ask. Question. Think.
Decide - for yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

Think big thoughts but relish small pleasures.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

The eyes are not responsible when the mind does the seeing.
- Publilius Syrus

Men and women are not prisoners of fate,
but only prisoners of their own minds.
- Franklin D. Roosevelt

The most important thing about Spaceship Earth -
an instruction book didn't come with it.
- R. Buckminster Fuller

We should not pretend to understand the world
only by the intellect.
The judgment of the intellect
is only part of the truth.
- Carl Jung

When you keep getting the wrong answers,
try asking better questions.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The greatest harm can result from the best intentions.
- Terry Goodkind

The problem with making assumptions
is that we believe they are the truth
- don Miguel Ruiz

To kill an error is as good a service as,
and sometimes even better than,
the establishing of a new truth or fact.
- Charles Darwin

If a million people say a foolish thing,
it is still a foolish thing.
- Anatole France

The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie,
deliberate, contrived and dishonest,
but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic.
- John F. Kennedy

The most important things in life
are seldom the most obvious.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

The important thing is not to stop questioning.
Curiosity has its own reason for existing.
- Albert Einstein

The most incomprehensible thing about the world
is that it is comprehensible.
- Albert Einstein

If a problem cannot be solved, enlarge it.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

People hardly ever make use of the freedom which they have,
for example, freedom of thought;
instead they demand freedom of speech as a compensation.
- Soren Kierkegaard

Excellence is the result of
caring more than others think wise,
risking more than other's think safe,
dreaming more than others think practical,
and expecting more than others think possible.
- Anonymous

The simplest questions are the most profound.
Where were you born?
Where is your home?
Where are you going?
What are you doing?
Think about these once in a while
and watch your answers change.
- Richard Bach

If you think in terms of a year, plant a seed;
if in terms of ten years, plant trees;
if in terms of 100 years, teach the people.
- Confucius

When you are reluctant to change,
think of the beauty of autumn.
- V. B. Brown

Our character is what we do when we think no one is looking.
- H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Small is the number of people who
see with their eyes
and think with their minds.
- Albert Einstein

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience
in which you really stop to look fear in the face.
You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Know that life is as easy or as hard as you think it is.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

To change who you are,
change who you think you are.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie


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- Jonathan Lockwood Huie

 


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