I hope you find great value in these Funny Marriage Quotes from my large collection of inspirational and motivational quotes and sayings.
I love being married.
It's so great to find that one special person
you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
- Rita Rudner
Related topics: Funny Cynical Marriage
As to marriage or celibacy, let a man
take which course he will,
he will be sure to repent.
- Socrates
Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits
and then complain that he's not the man she married?
- Barbra Streisand
A successful marriage requires falling in love many times,
always with the same person.
- Germaine Greer
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It's not as great a day for the bride as she thinks.
She's not marrying the best man.
- Anonymous
When I eventually met Mr. Right
I had no idea that his first name was Always.
- Rita Rudner
Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
- Benjamin Franklin
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man
is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
There is more of good nature than of good sense
at the bottom of most marriages.
- Henry David Thoreau
Marriage is neither heaven nor hell,
it is simply purgatory.
- Abraham Lincoln
Whenever I date a guy, I think,
"Is this the man I want my children
to spend their weekends with?"
- Rita Rudner
They have come up with a perfect understanding.
He won't try to run her life,
and he won't try to run his, either.
- Anonymous
Marriage is a fine institution -
but I'm not ready for an institution yet.
- Mae West
I think men who have a pierced ear
are better prepared for marriage.
They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
- Rita Rudner
To keep your marriage brimming,
With love in the wedding cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up.
- Ogden Nash
No man is truly married until he understands
every word his wife is NOT saying.
- Anonymous
He's the kind of man a woman would have to marry to get rid of.
- Mae West
I was married by a judge.
I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
A man is incomplete until he is married.
After that, he is finished.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
- Anonymous
You never really know a man until you have divorced him.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water.
After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.
- Minnie Pearl
There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman -
before marriage and after marriage.
- Anonymous
Some husbands are living proof that a woman can take a joke.
- Anonymous
Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy,
the first question I ask myself is:
is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
- Rita Rudner
He early on let her know who is the boss.
He looked her right in the eye and clearly said, "You're the boss."
- Anonymous humor
Never argue at the dinner table, for the one who is not hungry
always gets the best of the argument.
- Voltaire
Do not marry a man to reform him.
That is what reform schools are for.
- Mae West
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Gilbert (G. K.) Chesterton
Always remember the three magic words: You're right dear.
- Anonymous
I have often wanted to drown my troubles,
but I can't get my wife to go swimming.
- Anonymous
One should always be in love.
That is the reason one should never marry.
- Oscar Wilde
One good Husband is worth two good Wives;
for the scarcer things are, the more they're valued.
- Benjamin Franklin
Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same.
- Oscar Wilde
Husbands should be like Kleenex:
soft, strong, and disposable.
- the movie Clue (1985)
Marriage is a wonderful institution,
but who would want to live in an institution?
- H. L. Mencken
In order to be happy with a man,
you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot
and not try to understand her at all.
- Helen Rowland
A man's friendships are, like his will,
invalidated by marriage -
but they are also no less invalidated
by the marriage of his friends.
- Samuel Butler
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henny Youngman
The Wedding March always reminds me of the music
played when soldiers go into battle.
- Heinrich Heine
The four most important words in any marriage...
"I'll do the dishes."
- Anonymous
One should never know too precisely
whom one has married
- Friedrich Nietzsche
When two people decide to get a divorce,
it isn't a sign that they "don't understand" one another,
but a sign that they have, at last, begun to.
- Helen Rowland
Strike an average between what a woman thinks of her husband
a month before she marries him
and what she thinks of him a year afterward,
and you will have the truth about him.
- H. L. Mencken
(Groom), take (Bride)'s hand and place your hand over hers.
Now, remember this moment and cherish it...
because this will be the last time you ever have the upper hand.
- Anonymous
A man likes his wife to be
just clever enough to appreciate his cleverness,
and just stupid enough to admire it.
- Israel Zangwill
Women marry men hoping they will change.
Men marry women hoping they will not.
- Albert Einstein
Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.
- Groucho Marx
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.
- Samuel Johnson [also attributed to Oscar Wilde]
I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives
as much as if we had never married at all.
- Lord Byron
Marriage has no guarantees.
If that's what you're looking for,
go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
I haven't reported my missing credit card to the police
because whoever stole it is spending less than my wife.
- Ilie Nastase
In olden times sacrifices were made at the altar -
a practice which is still continued.
- Helen Rowland
Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.
- Phyllis Diller
Many a man owes his success to his first wife
and his second wife to his success.
- Jim Backus
Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes
in the hope of pulling out an eel.
- Leonardo da Vinci
There are four stages in a marriage.
First there's the affair,
then the marriage,
then children
and finally the fourth stage,
without which you cannot know a woman, the divorce.
- Norman Mailer
Love is grand; divorce is a hundred grand.
- Anonymous
A little girl at the wedding afterwards asked her mother
why the bride changed her mind.
What do you mean? responded her mother.
Well, she went down the aisle with one man,
and came back with another.
- Anonymous
Life's burdens are lighter when I laugh at myself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
A true friend is someone who
thinks that you are a good egg
even though he knows that
you are slightly cracked.
- Bernard Meltzer
You have enemies? Good.
That means you've stood up for something,
sometime in your life.
- Winston Churchill
Minds are like parachutes.
They only function when they are open.
- James Dewar
Life is too important to be taken seriously.
- Oscar Wilde
When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw
Today is your day to laugh at life,
laugh at what's funny - laugh at what's sad,
laugh loud - laugh often,
laugh at me - laugh at you - laugh at life.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
Laugh Loud - Laugh Often
Laugh At What's Funny - Laugh At What's Sad
Laugh At Me - Laugh At You - Laugh At Life
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
We like a man to come right out and say what he thinks-
if we agree with him.
- Mark Twain
You got to be careful if you
don't know where you're going,
because you might not get there.
- Yogi Berra
My life has been filled with terrible misfortune;
most of which never happened.
- Michel Eyquem De Montaigne
When you think you're out of time,
smile, and turn back the clock.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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May the world be kind to you,
and may your own thoughts be gentle upon yourself.
- Jonathan Lockwood Huie
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